The Trials and Tribulations of the not-so-New Bear Icon

The seventh month anniversary of our marriage ceremony in California comes later this week. Now we aren't a couple that makes a big deal about tiny anniversaries or anything, but this one will be the first one that may be missing an actual valid marriage license, depending on what the California Supreme Court rules today.

I've been joking about our marital status ever since Prop 8 passed. Even from the beginning it was odd, only valid or recognized in certain states, and certainly not my native Texas. Are we married, or are we not? Depends. Then once Prop 8 passed, suddenly even the small amount of recognition was also in limbo. Suddenly a contract we had both signed was...well what was it?

Back home it seemed than there hadn't been much change. We started wearing wedding rings, and calling each other husband, not partner or boyfriend, but the relationship stayed pretty much the same. We've been lax about hiring a lawyer to draw up power of attorney documents and getting things taken care of legally, for no matter how California sees us after today, until the Defense of Marriage Act is overturned federally, we won't have the same rights and privileges here in Texas. Texas has a constitutional amendment that bars recognition of same-sex marriages and civil unions, or the creation of them by the state. I think Texas would be one of the last states to get rid of the rule, much like it took a federal court case to get rid of sodomy laws here.

Our opponents are desperately seeking a win from the court today. the news lately has been heavily in the favor of marriage equality. Today they will hope that mob rule trumps the rights of minorities and they continue to try to paint the picture of marriage as one reserved strictly for heterosexual couples (or opposite marriage as some deep thinker put it).

It still makes me mad when they continue to try to spin that marriage is tied to the churches when it has long been the fact that no church would have to sanction the union of two heterosexual people (or two people of opposite sex, regardless of their orientation, really). State sanctioned marriage has been a separate institution as much as the separation of church and state has been the law of this land. No one has had to get the permission of a church for years to get married, and the state, not the church grants the rights and privileges of marriage - at least in this life.

And it's not like I couldn't fine a church to get married in. You might not be able to get hitched in a Catholic church to you same-sex partner, but plenty of other denominations will do it, and still have the same appreciation of your Prada loafers.

Let's face it, marriage hasn't been as sacred as our opponents make it out to be since they started granting no-fault divorces. Say what you want about the bonds of matrimony, but when it comes down to it, the partners can break the contract almost as easily as any two business partners. Marriage is a contract from the state, the spiritual stuff is up to someone else.

One thing that throws me is that ads that the proponents of "traditional marriage" (sorry for the scare quotes, but I couldn't come up with another way of putting it, but marriage has changed over the years, from a property situation to a search for a match between two people- another reason not to deny marriage equality) seem to come up with ads that keep up the scare factor that gays are going to come and steal marriage away from them. I never see an ad that seems to truly state why keeping marriage as a separate institution for heterosexuals is important. What is it that we are supposed to be stealing from them? We aren't taking away their rights, or trampling on their relationships. We aren't going to take their children away from them. Heck, for nearly half of them, it doesn't seem that marriage has actually been that great of a institution for them.

It's hard to state how marriage has changed my life, maybe because with the passage of Prop 8 it never seemed fully real. Sure, we exchanged vows in a quickly arranged ceremony under some really odd circumstances. It's something, like many other married couples, we might have waited a little longer to do, but the political situation and the fact that it was California pushed along our decision.

Still, hearing the vows, even if they were done in front of a small group in a conference room of a county clerk's office still made for one of the happiest moments in my life. Those words, weather there's a piece of paper with them or not still stand for me.

I know that chris' family would like us to have a reception, or even a larger ceremony, but I know I've shied away from it because of the political situation. My own family isn't really on-board with the whole marriage thing, so I'm not sure if they would be inclined to come to something or not (not that they don't like Chris, but it's one of those things that the reality of what's family vs. the political dogma don't always mix well). Maybe if things are positive for us today we'll look into doing something bigger, but for now a simple ceremony is fine, and truly, our core relationship together didn't change, and won't change from what happens today.

(Of course the jokey guys that we are, as he was leaving I said that we'll see if we are still married after today, Chris on the way out said i should watch the news and if Prop 8 is upheld he expects that my stuff will be out of the house, as he will not live with someone in sin. Heh.)

I'd marry Chris again if today's verdict comes down against us. I'm not sure there's any great push to do it though. Sure I could get married in Iowa, or New England, but really, without the rights being here in Texas, it's as meaningful as any other piece of paper in the printer drawer. The relationship remains the same either way. With Chris being from California, then the California license was special to us. I'd love to get married in Texas, and maybe one day, many years from now, we will, but I'm not waiting for it.

We will see how the court rules. Because of my work schedule, I don't think I can make it to the rally today, but I'm sure there will be many more rallies, because either way, there's still a very long fight to go, and we're going to have both wins and losses.

So who knows. I say that it won't affect me, but maybe because I've been trying not to get my hopes up, waiting these long months for a decision, maybe it will be something I take more personally than I care to admit at this moment. I look right now and I see that we have a chance to really make history, but I am trying to steel myself for the likely possibility that we will lose today, activist judges be dammed. On we go to the next fight, state by state, and eventually the country.

Still, I'll be keeping the ring on, and still calling Chris my husband,no matter the validity of a piece of paper. My day of decision came when we decided to date each other, and it's only been validated by the choice to move in together and late on the day that we said our vows. A ruling form a court isn't changing that. I think we can still get away with having a first anniversary celebration in October even if it's for our six year relationship.

Update: So there you have it. Prop 8 was upheld by the California Supreme Court, but the existing marriages stand, makeing us a limited, collector's edition marriage that's still only recognized in a few states. Expect to see more litigation, both on recognition of these limited edition marriages, and probably a few trying to still invalidate them as they don't jibe with current CA law. The battle continues.

I guess I should frame that marriage licence after all.

I think I'm ready for this year to end. 2008 was certainly full up ups and downs and many changes.

2008 was the first year where I attended more funerals than weddings, but yet I had a wedding of my own. I did the east-coast west coast thing again ending up at Disneyland and New York City in my travels. I met new people and shied away from them at parties as usual. I got a new job and then had to tell people how much their investments had lost as the stock market went down, down down.

It was another year with my fantastic husband, and the first year I could truly call him that.

It was a year where we elected a new leader, and we are just waiting for him to take office, but it was tempered by the fact that bigotry remains a party of this country.

The first half of the year was much better than the second half. I think most of us will be ready to move on.

With that said, here's some things I hope won't make it into 2009:
Novelty Shoe Fashions (aka Uggs and Crocs)
High Gas Prices
So-called tolerant preachers
Hannah Montana
Alaska
Magic Underpants
Israeli-Palistinian Conflicts & War in general
Cancelation of good shows (or at least better than the normal crap)
The phrase "Where's MY bailout?"

Things we need more of in 2009:
More marriages for my friends
More facial hair
More jobs
More friends
More good times
More calm nerves
More progress
More love

I've been getting used to my new team at work, now that training is over. It's just like starting over, as John Lennon once sung. The new shift, 10-7 is nice in the morning, but I miss getting home early. Last Wednesday I had to work a noon to 9 shift to cover for people out in our Denver Office. That's a shift I'd rather not have to work much, despite the fact I got a lot done Wednesday morning.

The team seems to be...well...unmotivated. I've heard through the rumor mill that it's a very underperforming team and the three of us new folks who have been assigned to it are expected to kick butt. I hope that's true, but since I'm not used to these call center metrics I know it's going to be a while before I'm up to speed.

What's interesting is to hear that the team isn't producing, then realizing that my new team manager is someone I used to work with at AIM Investments a few years back. I didn't know her well as she was in the Austin office and I was in Houston, but there still a few things I remember about her and what people said. I'm afraid they weren't all that good, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Given a shared background, there's more opportunities to build bridges right now than start building defenses.

Randy (lostncove) had a nice twist on the "ten secret messages" meme the other day that I think I'll steal.

Here are ten secret messages I've been passive-agressively keeping from MYSELF.

1. You really need to open up and stop being so defensive
2. You really need to be more positive about your abilities
3. When you say you embrace change, make that more than a resume statement
4. Your negative body image is starting to get out of control
5. Your new shift should mean no more late afternoon snacks because you are bored
6. I know you like your doctor, but if you aren't going to take the medicines he prescribes, you need to re-evaluate
7. Your loss of being able to hear voices distinctly in a crowd shouldn't become the excuse not to socialize
8. Pool parties are not torture
9. Keeping up with people can lead to great things. you should do it more often
10. Procrastination is your worst vice, much more than being overweight.

This morning I woke up, checked the news online and saw that Marvin Zindler had died. It's hard to explain Marvin to those who didn't live in Houston. He was a crusading consumer advocate who used the power of television to shame businesses and people to apologies for what ever people wrote in. He wasn't an investigative journalist, just a loud noisemaker, and one of the most peculiar men to even be on TV, and that's saying a lot.

For years you would hear him close a report with "I'm Maaaaaarin Zindler, Eaaaaaahwitness News! No one knew how many plastic surgeries he had has, or how many white wigs he had gone through or how many blue-tinted glasses he owned. He was known for his "Rat and Roach Reports" on Friday which he'd pretty much read off the previous weeks health inspector's report. I remember one week in college coming back to school on a Monday talking to everyone that had had lunch in one of the mentioned places on Marvin's report the day before.

Blech.

Marvin would finish the report with all of the restaurants that had failed inspection due to (yelling loudly) "SSSSSSSLIIIIIIIIIIme in the ICE Machine!" The call had become so famous a person put it to music, and even that was used in the report in later years. There's a YouTube video of it HERE, if you want to hear it, and see it for yourself.

He had a contract with the station for life, so on his deathbed in the hospital he was still doing stories for the station - wig and all. It was always amusing to see how Dave ward, the Channel 13 news anchor would try to keep a stiff upper lip after Marvin had bellowed his signoff.

Now there is a little peice of Marvin you may have seen. In the musical The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Melvin P. Thorpe is Marvin Zindler - and I can say it's with little exaggeration from reality to the stage (except for the singing and dancing). Melvin, played in the movie by Dom DeLuise sings "Texas Has A Whore House In It" with all the bombast of the real deal. The reason is Marvin Zindler really did shut down the brothel known as The Chicken Ranch (because during the Depression men paid for sevices in chickens) thatwas out in LaGrange, Texas, between Houston and Austin. The story is true, just the real players weren't as photogenic as the movie.

There was a lot of death in the news today, director Ingmar Bergman, football coach Bill Walsh and TV talkshow host Tom Snyder. I remember watching him in the seventies when we were off on summer vacation. Both my mom and I were nightowls, so we would watch The Tomorrow Show and Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Years later I watched late Night with David Letterman and The PTL Club because who didn't love the trainwreck that was Tammy Faye Bakker. I liked to call the show, The Pass The Loot Club.

I guess it's interesting in this day and age where we have people who pass on, and not only do we remember, but we also have the ability to go see their work. We've graduated from tales to portraits to pictures to moving images of those who have passed. Lucille Ball has been gone for some time, but she's still on TV. Glenn Miller died before my time, but I can still hear his band and see old movies of him. in this day and age, the departed don't have to be gone.

Chris came back over the weekend from a trip to his grandmother's in Florida. He purchases a video camera so he could capture some of it. She's in her eighties and has started to have some memory lapses. Chris showed me some of the movies and there she was telling tales with Chris's parents. I may never get to meet her, but I've seen her.

I wish I had done the same with my grandmothers. I don't know why I didn't. I did own a video camera at one time...one that fell apart after two years of heavy use around the marching band. Sure there's pictures, but the stories are lost. I guess you always want to hear more from them.

Somewhere there's several reels of Super 8 movies that my paternal grandparent's took, and I've watched some of them, but the people in those movies, shot in the 50's don't remind me of my grandparents as i knew them.

Perhaps I should start filming my parents. At this point it would be totally for myself, as neither I nor my sister have children. Perhaps there will be some niece or nephew someday, but it's going to be a while and the parents aren't getting any younger.

I'm in the middle of my years now, and I know the losses are going to star steamrolling, parents, friends, etc. Time marches on. The true losses in my life have been minimal, but I've cried over grandparents and pets. I wonder what it's going to be like as we go along. The future looks promising and dower all at the same time. There's losses you plan on, but I'm sure there will be many changes that will take me by surprise.

I just hope we can go out as loudly as Marvin Zindler.

Meh.

I say Meh. tonight to the fact that "Dreamgirls" didn't get nominated for Best Picture Oscar. I guess I'm one of the only gays who hasn't seen this movie and doesn't plan to. Good for Jennifer Hudson, but personally I'd love to see Amber Breslin win for "Little Miss Sunshine".

I say Meh. tonight to President Bush's State of the Union speech where he just rehashed a whole domestic agenda that he's proposed before. Lot of big statements with very little answers to them. So you want to provide more healthcare to people by cutting their taxes...yeah. Once he got on to the whole Iraq/War on Terror part I tuned away to "The Stepford Wives."

I say Meh. to last night's "Heroes" for being dull. Too much of the I've got powers and they're ruining my life bit. Thank goodness for the actor playing Hiro or this episode would have been unbearable.

I say Meh. to the fact that I can no longer find Beef Romanov flavor Hamburger Helper in the store anymore. Some of the new flavors aren't as good, and I don't like that they changed the Beef Taco flavor's pasta. why the change? It's not healthier or anything.

I say Meh. to Sirius Satellite Radio for deciding that they want to have a "Jamie Foxx" channel which will move OutQ to another station on the dial as they want the "Foxxhole" to be next to the other comedy channels (including "Blue Collar Radio"). More channels I have no reason to listen to.

I say Meh. to the "controversy" of Grey's Anatomy star Issac Washington calling TR Knight a "faggot" or maybe he didn't, who the heck knows. Just friggin' apologize properly, go into rehab for a while and try to keep your job. Still, i guess I wouldn't be taken aback so much by being called a faggot, really.

Speaking of that, Meh. to the Donnie Davies/God Hates Fags thing. Poor guy just couldn't get a date, I suppose, so now he's Ex-Gay - or something. I have to agree with Matty that it's a farce since the band and the ministry websites were recently created and he said the band has existed for some time. I call shenanigans. Or stupidity. whatever.

Meh. to the Red Hot Chili Peppers (all your songs sound the same) and to Rage Against the Machine (all your rants sound the same).

Meh to the controversy of Dakota Fanning being in a movie shown at Sundance where her character is raped. Not something I'd see for sure, and everyone will stay away if she screams like she did in "War of the Worlds." Still, if her parents were cool with it, and she was, then by all means. She'll probably need therapy for many things later on, why not one more.

Lastly, I say Meh. to the guy who made me get up and go to work an hour and a half early to give a speech about his group and their business plans which didn't include us. I certainly know what his group is going to do, but I don't know what my group does to support his agenda. it also doesn't help when you create acronyms that aren't industry standard and you don't explain them. I wish I could have slept through your meeting.

Now let's hear it for getting some sleep.

I was off from work today. I'm burning off my "use it or lose it" vacation days, scheduling the last two available days of the year. The entire month of December was booked before I ever stated with the company.

Today I did a little shopping and I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, enjoying the warm weather. Over the next two hours we're expecting a line of thunderstorms to come through and drop temperatures some 45 degrees from the 70's into the 30's. We're expecting sleet with the thunderstorms and possibly snow tomorrow as the temperature plummets into the 20's. It makes me long for no-freeze Houston weather.

Chris the other day said that he already had my Christmas gift, so now I'm worried about getting him something. I have no idea. I thought about getting the XBox 360 game Viva! Pinata!, but now I think it's looking a little childish. Of course we're both playing Lego Star Wars II.

We still haven't found a Wii. I looked around today with no luck. I think you have to get up early.

I did find some slippers at Khol's. Really, shoes and socks are the only things I can buy there. I wish they carried larger sizes. Still, I wish i could find some of those bear paws slippers. I know it's silly, but they're cute

I wish that more people would use BearLix or another chat service. Bear 411 is crap, but everyone's on it. Can we just all move to a new site and not tell the creepy people about it?

We've seen two movies at the theater this fall, Borat and Casino Royale, both were good in very different ways. Really, there's very few other movies this holiday season that are piquing my interest. Lord knows we don't need any more animated animals. We also could do without the bratty kids in Unaccompanied Minors.

I did have an interesting reaction seeing the first few minutes of the trailer for We Are Marshall when the team is on the plane, looking happy and the coach mentions Marshall...I remember gasping knowing what was coming. The rest of the trailer didn't excite me though. It was just knowing what the scene was leading to. I might go see the Matt Damon movie The Good Shepard.

I've interviewed a couple of times for a new position at work. I'm not really hopeful about it since it's not an area I'm familiar with, and I haven't been with the company for a year yet, but I'm at least trying to do something to make my situation better. I'm also getting back into the interviewing game.

Mall walking is boring and the people at the mall kiosks are getting more annoying. I don't want to try your skin cream, and I really don't want it if I was just asked by your other kiosk at the other end of the mall. Then you say I'm grouchy? Yea Christmas spirit.

Lastly, politics. Didn't it seem like President Bush was open to change a few weeks ago, when he found that the Democrats had won? Well, that's changed, and it seems like he's back to his ways of just being a selfish whiny fool, claiming that we'll stay in Iraq following the same stupid strategy we've been following the last four years. The guy is in a self-made vacuum and he's never coming out, is he?

What will be interesting is if the rumors of replacing Dick Cheney come true, and they really work on creating a candidate for President for 2008. I'm not sure anyone running would want to take the job if Bush continues to be such a doof. It wouldn't help to start campaigning in a pit.

Oh well. I should do a longer post about this year's television shows, but that will have to wait.