Are you experienced?

[eggwards]

I was chatting with someone the other evening. It was a good chat with someone from LJ on AIM (via iChat for the Mac). I was commenting on somethings going on in his life. I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to going to TRBU in a few months and trying something new.

Things took a turn for the interesting and the innuendo was flying and it finally came down to a chat about what I'd like to do to him when, one day, we meet (or so I hope!). My descriptions were getting fun and all referential. I guess I write like a geeky Dennis Miller at times. I'm not sure if it's really sexy or not, but I was trying my best.

I ran my course and wanted him to tell me what he's going to do to me, and since he wasn't in a place where he could write everything he wanted to (work), I was trying to fill in some blanks. Then he came to a point where I haven't gone before. Really, it's still in the realm of vanilla, but I haven't done it, nor had anyone do it to me. A little more difficult to fill in those blanks.

I was honest about it, told him that he would be Christopher Columbus if he went there (or maybe Lief Erickson - who was probably hunkier anyway) - and that wouldn't be a bad thing. We kept chatting, and I enjoyed it. I was loosening up, but there was still one thought (besides the horniness) that lingered.

Disclaimer - it's all me, there was nothing that he did to make me feel this way, it's my own fear, but I felt bad that I had never had that experience. I feel that I'm behind. That there's lessons I already should know, that there's experiences, both sexually and not that I should have had, that there's community information that I'm sorely lacking.

Call me a late-bloomer. Always have been. My friends were always younger, I was always immature - but sought out by friends for opinions and comfort. Strangely enough, when I needed help and comfort, they were trying, but usually they couldn't, due to experience.

About all of my friends are straight, and I wouldn't change them for the world. They are accepting (mostly) and loving. I'm out to everyone of them and have been for longer than I'd say I was truly out to myself. Just try that one! I've made the mistake of coming on to a couple of them, and it caused problems and was just damned stupid on my part. I was trying to learn something, but not knowing really how to go about it. That they could forgive me speaks to their character.

The problem is that I can play it safe with them. I have the friendships. I stay in their regular world. Things are safe. I know what its like there. But there's no one for me there. I'm just the world's greatest third wheel.

So now I'm trying to change things - but my level of inertia seems to grow. I'm introverted and shy. I'm also critical and defensive. Heading out to a bar is going to make me want to curl up and turn negative. I can deal with small groups, and individuals, but like Jerome's party the other night crowds make me want to run.

So I want to meet up with this guy. I want to go to do so many other things. I want to find new friendships and possibly loves...but I have to be strong enough to do it. I've been glad for the feedback this forum gives - it helps bolster my defenses and it's very nice to hear that someone finds me sexy!

Now I don't plan on becoming a total whore to try to gain all of this experience overnight. I've just resigned myself to being behind, but hell, I don't need to stay this far behind! It's going to be a challenge.

So barring any other special excitement in the next few months, TRBU is going to be either exhilarating or extremely nerve-wracking!

Comments

[lostncove.livejournal.com]

OK, this post is so cool of you.

I've been there. Heck, it's arguable that I'm still sort of there. There are things I haven't done yet (though we ARE ticking those off the list this past year...hmmm).

This advice won't be a surprise from individualist me, but here goes.

Do it all your own way. It's the right way. Seriously. You get to determine who does what to you and when. If you're inexperienced, who cares? If the other guys DOES care, deep-six him. Sex is NOT about fulfilling everyone else's expectations of you.

I'm going to my first bear run too soon. I'll let ya know how I fare. There are folks I'd love to experiment with and they are folks I've talked to for awhile. My comfort level is pretty solid with them, and I'm looking forward to a great time.

For the record, I'd love to meet you too. Honest cute guys are hard to find.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I know that I get to choose and make decisions there. It's my body and my emotions. The thing is, I do have a feeling that I must live up to expectations. That I must be able to know what to do to satisfy my partner, etc. When I was with John T recently, I get feeling bad because I was very nervous and insecure about what was happening. I knew that I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to be intimate with him, but I had a hard time being comfortable and thought that I was messing up the experience for him. Insecurities abound.

Luckily he was incredibly nice and patient with me. It's going to take that kind of person for a while.

I'll be interested to hear about your experience at the bear-run. It may be a good barometer. Let me know when you're back in Texas - perhaps we can head for some coffee some time!

[(Anonymous)]

hey you, I enjoyed our chat the other night...and I'm glad I can post a reply on the sly without anyone knowing who I am. =o)

anyway, don't worry about if you're experienced or not. most people are like that. I'M like that. I bloomed a bit late myself. so naturally I understand how you feel.

Randy has a good point. take it slow, and don't let anyone go and do anything you don't want them to. I know I don't care if a person is experienced, and if people do, that is their hang-up, and it ain't yours. just make sure the time is right and that things are right for you before doing anything that might make you uneasy.

I think TBRU will be nerve-wracking and stuff too, frankly. but I'm still coming, and I can't wait to meet you, no strings attached. *huggz*

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I left the door open for you - in both respects. I wasn't too sure how you'd feel about being the subject of another persons post. (stopping short of something descriptive that I just erased). Not that I'd think you'd be ashamed or embarrassed, but you tend to air your own issues your own way, and I respect that.

I don't think that it's the problem of not wanting to try a few things, but the ability of being honest of hey, I don't know what I'm doing at this point - and not being embarrassed by that. I tend to shy away from trying since I feel that other person would feel impatient or disappointed by my lack of experience and embarrassment of said lack.

Other people have had relationships, broken up, done the club scene and been over it, gone on bear runs or in the case of one of my more twinkish bosses, circuit parties, and managed to come out alive, if not scratched up a bit by the events. I just haven't been there.

Perhaps I don't have to. We'll see. But my life does need a little more "family" in it. I've learned about all I can from my straight friends.

You bet that I'm looking forward to seeing you!

[atl10sbum.livejournal.com]

I appreciate you writing about this.
Being a total late bloomer myself I am still just discovering some things I really like.. Maybe not discovering so much as being relaxed enough to try it and see if it is as good in real life as in my fanstasies. Have fun, and do what you are comfy doing....and not what someone else wants you to do.
8-)

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks. A big part of it is getting past the anxieties and fears and relax. I'm sure more of it is having confidence to ask for what you want, as well!

[hylandr.livejournal.com]

First of all, Dennis Miller is very sexy, both in person and style.

Second, a lot of people don't have a lot of experience. I know I don't and I ve been out for a long time. Don't worry about it. It just allows you to learn the stuff you want to yet which can be fun for the other guy. Those who expect everyone to be total sluts and have done so much non-vanilla that it's ridiculous can often be total asses. (Believe me. I know some people like that!) Be who you are and you'll be fine. Good luck opening up and getting to meet new people.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've seen a few of the same themes running through other's journals. Part of it is finding someone you respect and he respects you...then it becomes easier. (So I'm gathering! :-))

[hylandr.livejournal.com]

Well, if you do "gather it", let me know cuz I'm still searching too, so you don't have to feel alone on that part. I'm not much on the experience bit either.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

It's hard when you get scared of being hurt. I'm having to fight that. Not that I have the past to warrant such worry. The shield has been up a while.

I'd love for you to be there, but we'll just have to keep the memory of that Monkees concert for now! :-)

No Worries

[(Anonymous)]

I'm not the best voice to talk about experience(although far from a virgin) It's fun to explore and try new stuff but keep in mind if you're not comfortable doing something or if it really really hurts don't do it just to please the other person. P.S. if you are really gonna "experience life" at the bear-run, probably a good idea to stop by Sam's Club and pick up the aforementioned 40 pack(safety first and STD's/HIV are not fun...)

Mac For Life.....

Re: No Worries

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Hmm. And who could you be? Mysterious poster? Well, I have to admit that the bear run is not the best place to experience life, but it's something I want to try and decide if I like it. It's more to meet up with some of these great LJ people, than a booty run. I am not going with the expectation of an encounter, but if it happens with the right person...I'll try to relax, enjoy and have fun.

I don't know if I'll need the 40 pack, but yes, condoms. Hans' expectations are a bit different and warranted.

Yes, mac is the word!

Re: No Worries

[hylandr.livejournal.com]

Some of the events can be fun. I've never been to a true bear run, but I went to Bear in the Woods, an LJ based event we had last October, and met 20-some LJers. It was great relaxing and getting to meet people whose journal I have read for the past year as well as making new friends. There was enough other activity going on behind some of the doors that I heard about but there was just normal fun getting to know people and hang out.

[garebear.livejournal.com]

So much great advice! You were right before...don't get your expectations too high; the higher your expectations, the farther the possible fall...but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try!

Chances are if you're a bear...and were husky growing up, you're going to consider yourself a late bloomer. I was a very late bloomer -- but found someone who was loving and accepting and my first real sexual encounter told me to do what feels natural. If you're going to have a good sex life, you have to do what's good for you...sometimes it's nothing but cuddling and kissing. And although you feel like you are just getting started, there's no need to rush...or worry about this relationship or that relationship. By all means, work on a relationship, they don't grow by themselves...but a good relationship shouldn't entail anxiety and worry about anything you did or did not do, because the partner that's right for you accepts you for who you are.

Don't get nervous about TRBU, it's just a great way to meet some of your LJ friends, new bear friends (and bear lovers). I had a friend attend his first chub event and he decided that he'd smile and say hi to everyone he saw! Sounds crazy, but he had an incredible time! And, yes... it seems like many men end up behind locked doors and I've been to a few all-out orgies....but I don't want to fill your journal with smut. Check out my LJ in the next day or two and I'll elaborate, although it may be one of those "locked" entries!