Are you experienced?
Jan. 9th, 2003 12:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsI was chatting with someone the other evening. It was a good chat with someone from LJ on AIM (via iChat for the Mac). I was commenting on somethings going on in his life. I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to going to TRBU in a few months and trying something new.
Things took a turn for the interesting and the innuendo was flying and it finally came down to a chat about what I'd like to do to him when, one day, we meet (or so I hope!). My descriptions were getting fun and all referential. I guess I write like a geeky Dennis Miller at times. I'm not sure if it's really sexy or not, but I was trying my best.
I ran my course and wanted him to tell me what he's going to do to me, and since he wasn't in a place where he could write everything he wanted to (work), I was trying to fill in some blanks. Then he came to a point where I haven't gone before. Really, it's still in the realm of vanilla, but I haven't done it, nor had anyone do it to me. A little more difficult to fill in those blanks.
I was honest about it, told him that he would be Christopher Columbus if he went there (or maybe Lief Erickson - who was probably hunkier anyway) - and that wouldn't be a bad thing. We kept chatting, and I enjoyed it. I was loosening up, but there was still one thought (besides the horniness) that lingered.
Disclaimer - it's all me, there was nothing that he did to make me feel this way, it's my own fear, but I felt bad that I had never had that experience. I feel that I'm behind. That there's lessons I already should know, that there's experiences, both sexually and not that I should have had, that there's community information that I'm sorely lacking.
Call me a late-bloomer. Always have been. My friends were always younger, I was always immature - but sought out by friends for opinions and comfort. Strangely enough, when I needed help and comfort, they were trying, but usually they couldn't, due to experience.
About all of my friends are straight, and I wouldn't change them for the world. They are accepting (mostly) and loving. I'm out to everyone of them and have been for longer than I'd say I was truly out to myself. Just try that one! I've made the mistake of coming on to a couple of them, and it caused problems and was just damned stupid on my part. I was trying to learn something, but not knowing really how to go about it. That they could forgive me speaks to their character.
The problem is that I can play it safe with them. I have the friendships. I stay in their regular world. Things are safe. I know what its like there. But there's no one for me there. I'm just the world's greatest third wheel.
So now I'm trying to change things - but my level of inertia seems to grow. I'm introverted and shy. I'm also critical and defensive. Heading out to a bar is going to make me want to curl up and turn negative. I can deal with small groups, and individuals, but like Jerome's party the other night crowds make me want to run.
So I want to meet up with this guy. I want to go to do so many other things. I want to find new friendships and possibly loves...but I have to be strong enough to do it. I've been glad for the feedback this forum gives - it helps bolster my defenses and it's very nice to hear that someone finds me sexy!
Now I don't plan on becoming a total whore to try to gain all of this experience overnight. I've just resigned myself to being behind, but hell, I don't need to stay this far behind! It's going to be a challenge.
So barring any other special excitement in the next few months, TRBU is going to be either exhilarating or extremely nerve-wracking!
Things took a turn for the interesting and the innuendo was flying and it finally came down to a chat about what I'd like to do to him when, one day, we meet (or so I hope!). My descriptions were getting fun and all referential. I guess I write like a geeky Dennis Miller at times. I'm not sure if it's really sexy or not, but I was trying my best.
I ran my course and wanted him to tell me what he's going to do to me, and since he wasn't in a place where he could write everything he wanted to (work), I was trying to fill in some blanks. Then he came to a point where I haven't gone before. Really, it's still in the realm of vanilla, but I haven't done it, nor had anyone do it to me. A little more difficult to fill in those blanks.
I was honest about it, told him that he would be Christopher Columbus if he went there (or maybe Lief Erickson - who was probably hunkier anyway) - and that wouldn't be a bad thing. We kept chatting, and I enjoyed it. I was loosening up, but there was still one thought (besides the horniness) that lingered.
Disclaimer - it's all me, there was nothing that he did to make me feel this way, it's my own fear, but I felt bad that I had never had that experience. I feel that I'm behind. That there's lessons I already should know, that there's experiences, both sexually and not that I should have had, that there's community information that I'm sorely lacking.
Call me a late-bloomer. Always have been. My friends were always younger, I was always immature - but sought out by friends for opinions and comfort. Strangely enough, when I needed help and comfort, they were trying, but usually they couldn't, due to experience.
About all of my friends are straight, and I wouldn't change them for the world. They are accepting (mostly) and loving. I'm out to everyone of them and have been for longer than I'd say I was truly out to myself. Just try that one! I've made the mistake of coming on to a couple of them, and it caused problems and was just damned stupid on my part. I was trying to learn something, but not knowing really how to go about it. That they could forgive me speaks to their character.
The problem is that I can play it safe with them. I have the friendships. I stay in their regular world. Things are safe. I know what its like there. But there's no one for me there. I'm just the world's greatest third wheel.
So now I'm trying to change things - but my level of inertia seems to grow. I'm introverted and shy. I'm also critical and defensive. Heading out to a bar is going to make me want to curl up and turn negative. I can deal with small groups, and individuals, but like Jerome's party the other night crowds make me want to run.
So I want to meet up with this guy. I want to go to do so many other things. I want to find new friendships and possibly loves...but I have to be strong enough to do it. I've been glad for the feedback this forum gives - it helps bolster my defenses and it's very nice to hear that someone finds me sexy!
Now I don't plan on becoming a total whore to try to gain all of this experience overnight. I've just resigned myself to being behind, but hell, I don't need to stay this far behind! It's going to be a challenge.
So barring any other special excitement in the next few months, TRBU is going to be either exhilarating or extremely nerve-wracking!
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-11 01:15 am (UTC)Chances are if you're a bear...and were husky growing up, you're going to consider yourself a late bloomer. I was a very late bloomer -- but found someone who was loving and accepting and my first real sexual encounter told me to do what feels natural. If you're going to have a good sex life, you have to do what's good for you...sometimes it's nothing but cuddling and kissing. And although you feel like you are just getting started, there's no need to rush...or worry about this relationship or that relationship. By all means, work on a relationship, they don't grow by themselves...but a good relationship shouldn't entail anxiety and worry about anything you did or did not do, because the partner that's right for you accepts you for who you are.
Don't get nervous about TRBU, it's just a great way to meet some of your LJ friends, new bear friends (and bear lovers). I had a friend attend his first chub event and he decided that he'd smile and say hi to everyone he saw! Sounds crazy, but he had an incredible time! And, yes... it seems like many men end up behind locked doors and I've been to a few all-out orgies....but I don't want to fill your journal with smut. Check out my LJ in the next day or two and I'll elaborate, although it may be one of those "locked" entries!