Are you experienced?

[eggwards]

I was chatting with someone the other evening. It was a good chat with someone from LJ on AIM (via iChat for the Mac). I was commenting on somethings going on in his life. I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to going to TRBU in a few months and trying something new.

Things took a turn for the interesting and the innuendo was flying and it finally came down to a chat about what I'd like to do to him when, one day, we meet (or so I hope!). My descriptions were getting fun and all referential. I guess I write like a geeky Dennis Miller at times. I'm not sure if it's really sexy or not, but I was trying my best.

I ran my course and wanted him to tell me what he's going to do to me, and since he wasn't in a place where he could write everything he wanted to (work), I was trying to fill in some blanks. Then he came to a point where I haven't gone before. Really, it's still in the realm of vanilla, but I haven't done it, nor had anyone do it to me. A little more difficult to fill in those blanks.

I was honest about it, told him that he would be Christopher Columbus if he went there (or maybe Lief Erickson - who was probably hunkier anyway) - and that wouldn't be a bad thing. We kept chatting, and I enjoyed it. I was loosening up, but there was still one thought (besides the horniness) that lingered.

Disclaimer - it's all me, there was nothing that he did to make me feel this way, it's my own fear, but I felt bad that I had never had that experience. I feel that I'm behind. That there's lessons I already should know, that there's experiences, both sexually and not that I should have had, that there's community information that I'm sorely lacking.

Call me a late-bloomer. Always have been. My friends were always younger, I was always immature - but sought out by friends for opinions and comfort. Strangely enough, when I needed help and comfort, they were trying, but usually they couldn't, due to experience.

About all of my friends are straight, and I wouldn't change them for the world. They are accepting (mostly) and loving. I'm out to everyone of them and have been for longer than I'd say I was truly out to myself. Just try that one! I've made the mistake of coming on to a couple of them, and it caused problems and was just damned stupid on my part. I was trying to learn something, but not knowing really how to go about it. That they could forgive me speaks to their character.

The problem is that I can play it safe with them. I have the friendships. I stay in their regular world. Things are safe. I know what its like there. But there's no one for me there. I'm just the world's greatest third wheel.

So now I'm trying to change things - but my level of inertia seems to grow. I'm introverted and shy. I'm also critical and defensive. Heading out to a bar is going to make me want to curl up and turn negative. I can deal with small groups, and individuals, but like Jerome's party the other night crowds make me want to run.

So I want to meet up with this guy. I want to go to do so many other things. I want to find new friendships and possibly loves...but I have to be strong enough to do it. I've been glad for the feedback this forum gives - it helps bolster my defenses and it's very nice to hear that someone finds me sexy!

Now I don't plan on becoming a total whore to try to gain all of this experience overnight. I've just resigned myself to being behind, but hell, I don't need to stay this far behind! It's going to be a challenge.

So barring any other special excitement in the next few months, TRBU is going to be either exhilarating or extremely nerve-wracking!

Comments

[hylandr.livejournal.com]

First of all, Dennis Miller is very sexy, both in person and style.

Second, a lot of people don't have a lot of experience. I know I don't and I ve been out for a long time. Don't worry about it. It just allows you to learn the stuff you want to yet which can be fun for the other guy. Those who expect everyone to be total sluts and have done so much non-vanilla that it's ridiculous can often be total asses. (Believe me. I know some people like that!) Be who you are and you'll be fine. Good luck opening up and getting to meet new people.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've seen a few of the same themes running through other's journals. Part of it is finding someone you respect and he respects you...then it becomes easier. (So I'm gathering! :-))

[hylandr.livejournal.com]

Well, if you do "gather it", let me know cuz I'm still searching too, so you don't have to feel alone on that part. I'm not much on the experience bit either.