Doormat

[eggwards]

Last night I mailed off a birthday card to my my friend Matt. Matt was born on April 15th, which would be a bigger deal if he wasn't born in Britain. He's a British-Texan.

I've written about him and his wife, Lisa, before, but it's been a while. I haven't seen them since early this year when we went to see The Two Towers. I haven't seen of heard from them since...and part of this is my stubborn will.

There's two things at work here...first, he's found a new group of friends in his Christian, Fundamentalist Church. It's all Promise Keepers and Bible study groups. It also helps that most of that group is married couples.

Obviously big, single, gay, agnostic Mike is a square peg in a well-rounded believer's hole.

Second, I realized that I was doing all of the reaching out-I would always call, asking to go out, dinner, a movie, something. I'm the single one with an empty apartment and boring life. Matt has a wife and the circle of love that is his little church.

So, several weeks ago, when he didn't want to go out for the umpteenth time, I decided to play a stupid, childish game. I'd let him come to me. I'd wait.

I'm losing this game.

But it brings me to one of my biggest worries. I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough.

I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.

I want to be able to do more, get out more, and spend more time with friends, but I'd be imposing. Perhaps I just need a larger circle here in Houston.

Geez, sounding desperate again. Well, whatever, I'm making a fool of myself as we speak. Enough.

Comments

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

**I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.**

Holy cow...I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. That's been pretty much the premise behind my making of friends the past few years. It's a tough row to hoe.

At some point, you just have to accept people at face value, I guess. Trying to imagine the "hidden agendas" people might have simply isolates us more from the true friendship they might be offering. It's hard to stop the broken record in your head, but I believe it can be done...at least, I hope. :)

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

This whole conversation sounds very familiar ... you sound like me, nena.

[invisiblebear.livejournal.com]

I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough. I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.

Seems like most of us empathize with you. Sometimes it's OK to just hang back with the interpersonal action. It's how you feel, and whatever you feel, irrational or not, is a legitimate feeling. The only downside is that the people that one generally cares for becomes the ones that these fears feed off of. It becomes more real the longer it goes on. Lord knows I've been down that road before, more often than I care to admit, and more recently with mutual friends than I care to admit.

But feelings pass. And sometimes, when you feel comfortable, you need to try and make them pass.

You seem to be very well-regarded by a lot of folks these days, whether locally, regionally or generally. I think that should add to more confidence for yourself when it comes to dealing with people in any scenario, on or offline. If you recognize your situation as a problem to deal with, maybe it's time to set aside the fear and just roll with it a little more. Easy for me to say, perhaps, but no less with the kernels of truth. :)

[xanaducub.livejournal.com]

Hi there...

I don't think by clicking off an im or calling a friend to invite them to do something is a bother. That's just being friendly.

In this case it sounds that he may be all wrapped up in his new surroundings. Give it some time to cool down, and he will come around. Don't blame yourself.

I would be happy if someone was clicking off ims or calling me to hang out.

friends ...

[houstongwm.livejournal.com]

one of the hardest parts of coming out to me was the number of my friendships that passed into oblivion or changed ... several people that i felt i had been very close to responded to my coming out with bible verses or out right hatred and have not spoken to me since. several others responded that it was something they had already known and that it didn't make a difference - but quite obviously it did as they pulled away ... a smaller set it really did not make a difference too - but over the years as they have gotten married and had children and i remained single or invovled with another man - we've just grown apart ... changing relationships is a part of life - although one i'm not always thrilled with.

like you - i feel like i am usually the glue that holds things together - the one that makes the phone calls - that does the including ... part of that is probably because to a large degree i think i am generally more a solitary spirit ... i enjoy my alone time ... but i also enjoy the social time ... sometimes it's hard for me to do one or the other - based on what i'm dealing with at the time ... right now i'm being social because i don't trust myself to be alone ... i spend WAY too much time thinking about the newest relationship in my life which is NOT functioning very well at the moment ...

a few friends that i was close to for many years - i stayed close to because i did most of the connecting ... several years ago i realized that *I* did ALL the phone calls and decided to wait for the phone to ring ... i'm still waiting ... he's moved twice since then and i don't have a current phone number ... there have been a few times since that i would have called but have not been able to ... letting go is hard ... i've never been good at it ... but then i question myself - is it SUPPOSED to be easy?

looks like i need to write more in MY journal huh ... oh well - here's hoping we both have a good weekend.

[kev-bot.livejournal.com]

Mike,

I think that normally people *welcome* IM clicks or phone calls, no matter how busy they are. Just ask up front if it worries you. Say, "Hey, busy?" You can tell by their tone if they are.

Personally, I think that you're great fun to be around, and it seems like this guy Matt - no matter what his life is like - likes hanging out with you. So don't worry about it. People like you because you're likable. Everything's going to be all right.

((((Mike))))

Buzz

[standardtom.livejournal.com]

Man, that sounds just like my outlook on life.

But paradoxically, it seems that the more I try to not be a bother, and not demand attention to myself, or cause inconvenience, the more inconvenience and bother I cause. Because I get stressed out over it.

Last night, we were supposed to help some friends pull up the flood-ruined carpet in their house, but right before we were supposed to leave, my best friend, who I've not seen in a couple of months, called to say he was in town for state band festival.

I almost immediately fell into a quagmire of indecision, not knowing whether I should go help with the carpet, or go visit my friend, whose band had had a good performance that day, and who wanted to see me. I felt like no matter which thing I did, I would let down / irritate / inconvenience someone. I hate telling people "no."

*sigh*