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eggwardsLast night I mailed off a birthday card to my my friend Matt. Matt was born on April 15th, which would be a bigger deal if he wasn't born in Britain. He's a British-Texan.
I've written about him and his wife, Lisa, before, but it's been a while. I haven't seen them since early this year when we went to see The Two Towers. I haven't seen of heard from them since...and part of this is my stubborn will.
There's two things at work here...first, he's found a new group of friends in his Christian, Fundamentalist Church. It's all Promise Keepers and Bible study groups. It also helps that most of that group is married couples.
Obviously big, single, gay, agnostic Mike is a square peg in a well-rounded believer's hole.
Second, I realized that I was doing all of the reaching out-I would always call, asking to go out, dinner, a movie, something. I'm the single one with an empty apartment and boring life. Matt has a wife and the circle of love that is his little church.
So, several weeks ago, when he didn't want to go out for the umpteenth time, I decided to play a stupid, childish game. I'd let him come to me. I'd wait.
I'm losing this game.
But it brings me to one of my biggest worries. I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough.
I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.
I want to be able to do more, get out more, and spend more time with friends, but I'd be imposing. Perhaps I just need a larger circle here in Houston.
Geez, sounding desperate again. Well, whatever, I'm making a fool of myself as we speak. Enough.
I've written about him and his wife, Lisa, before, but it's been a while. I haven't seen them since early this year when we went to see The Two Towers. I haven't seen of heard from them since...and part of this is my stubborn will.
There's two things at work here...first, he's found a new group of friends in his Christian, Fundamentalist Church. It's all Promise Keepers and Bible study groups. It also helps that most of that group is married couples.
Obviously big, single, gay, agnostic Mike is a square peg in a well-rounded believer's hole.
Second, I realized that I was doing all of the reaching out-I would always call, asking to go out, dinner, a movie, something. I'm the single one with an empty apartment and boring life. Matt has a wife and the circle of love that is his little church.
So, several weeks ago, when he didn't want to go out for the umpteenth time, I decided to play a stupid, childish game. I'd let him come to me. I'd wait.
I'm losing this game.
But it brings me to one of my biggest worries. I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough.
I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.
I want to be able to do more, get out more, and spend more time with friends, but I'd be imposing. Perhaps I just need a larger circle here in Houston.
Geez, sounding desperate again. Well, whatever, I'm making a fool of myself as we speak. Enough.
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friends ...
Date: 2003-04-11 07:33 am (UTC)like you - i feel like i am usually the glue that holds things together - the one that makes the phone calls - that does the including ... part of that is probably because to a large degree i think i am generally more a solitary spirit ... i enjoy my alone time ... but i also enjoy the social time ... sometimes it's hard for me to do one or the other - based on what i'm dealing with at the time ... right now i'm being social because i don't trust myself to be alone ... i spend WAY too much time thinking about the newest relationship in my life which is NOT functioning very well at the moment ...
a few friends that i was close to for many years - i stayed close to because i did most of the connecting ... several years ago i realized that *I* did ALL the phone calls and decided to wait for the phone to ring ... i'm still waiting ... he's moved twice since then and i don't have a current phone number ... there have been a few times since that i would have called but have not been able to ... letting go is hard ... i've never been good at it ... but then i question myself - is it SUPPOSED to be easy?
looks like i need to write more in MY journal huh ... oh well - here's hoping we both have a good weekend.