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eggwardsLast night I mailed off a birthday card to my my friend Matt. Matt was born on April 15th, which would be a bigger deal if he wasn't born in Britain. He's a British-Texan.
I've written about him and his wife, Lisa, before, but it's been a while. I haven't seen them since early this year when we went to see The Two Towers. I haven't seen of heard from them since...and part of this is my stubborn will.
There's two things at work here...first, he's found a new group of friends in his Christian, Fundamentalist Church. It's all Promise Keepers and Bible study groups. It also helps that most of that group is married couples.
Obviously big, single, gay, agnostic Mike is a square peg in a well-rounded believer's hole.
Second, I realized that I was doing all of the reaching out-I would always call, asking to go out, dinner, a movie, something. I'm the single one with an empty apartment and boring life. Matt has a wife and the circle of love that is his little church.
So, several weeks ago, when he didn't want to go out for the umpteenth time, I decided to play a stupid, childish game. I'd let him come to me. I'd wait.
I'm losing this game.
But it brings me to one of my biggest worries. I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough.
I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.
I want to be able to do more, get out more, and spend more time with friends, but I'd be imposing. Perhaps I just need a larger circle here in Houston.
Geez, sounding desperate again. Well, whatever, I'm making a fool of myself as we speak. Enough.
I've written about him and his wife, Lisa, before, but it's been a while. I haven't seen them since early this year when we went to see The Two Towers. I haven't seen of heard from them since...and part of this is my stubborn will.
There's two things at work here...first, he's found a new group of friends in his Christian, Fundamentalist Church. It's all Promise Keepers and Bible study groups. It also helps that most of that group is married couples.
Obviously big, single, gay, agnostic Mike is a square peg in a well-rounded believer's hole.
Second, I realized that I was doing all of the reaching out-I would always call, asking to go out, dinner, a movie, something. I'm the single one with an empty apartment and boring life. Matt has a wife and the circle of love that is his little church.
So, several weeks ago, when he didn't want to go out for the umpteenth time, I decided to play a stupid, childish game. I'd let him come to me. I'd wait.
I'm losing this game.
But it brings me to one of my biggest worries. I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough.
I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.
I want to be able to do more, get out more, and spend more time with friends, but I'd be imposing. Perhaps I just need a larger circle here in Houston.
Geez, sounding desperate again. Well, whatever, I'm making a fool of myself as we speak. Enough.
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Date: 2003-04-11 09:53 am (UTC)But paradoxically, it seems that the more I try to not be a bother, and not demand attention to myself, or cause inconvenience, the more inconvenience and bother I cause. Because I get stressed out over it.
Last night, we were supposed to help some friends pull up the flood-ruined carpet in their house, but right before we were supposed to leave, my best friend, who I've not seen in a couple of months, called to say he was in town for state band festival.
I almost immediately fell into a quagmire of indecision, not knowing whether I should go help with the carpet, or go visit my friend, whose band had had a good performance that day, and who wanted to see me. I felt like no matter which thing I did, I would let down / irritate / inconvenience someone. I hate telling people "no."
*sigh*