Doormat

[eggwards]

Last night I mailed off a birthday card to my my friend Matt. Matt was born on April 15th, which would be a bigger deal if he wasn't born in Britain. He's a British-Texan.

I've written about him and his wife, Lisa, before, but it's been a while. I haven't seen them since early this year when we went to see The Two Towers. I haven't seen of heard from them since...and part of this is my stubborn will.

There's two things at work here...first, he's found a new group of friends in his Christian, Fundamentalist Church. It's all Promise Keepers and Bible study groups. It also helps that most of that group is married couples.

Obviously big, single, gay, agnostic Mike is a square peg in a well-rounded believer's hole.

Second, I realized that I was doing all of the reaching out-I would always call, asking to go out, dinner, a movie, something. I'm the single one with an empty apartment and boring life. Matt has a wife and the circle of love that is his little church.

So, several weeks ago, when he didn't want to go out for the umpteenth time, I decided to play a stupid, childish game. I'd let him come to me. I'd wait.

I'm losing this game.

But it brings me to one of my biggest worries. I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough.

I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.

I want to be able to do more, get out more, and spend more time with friends, but I'd be imposing. Perhaps I just need a larger circle here in Houston.

Geez, sounding desperate again. Well, whatever, I'm making a fool of myself as we speak. Enough.

Comments

[invisiblebear.livejournal.com]

I'm always worried that I'm being a bother and a pest. Since I always seem to be the needier person, I'm always looking to connect, to be a friend, to be, well, special. I want to go out, I want to do something I want a life. Certainly I have times where I need some peace and quiet, but I can find that easily enough. I feel like if I make that call, or click that IM message, that I'm bothering someone else...so I try to do it sparingly, when I really want to make the connection. I always fear that somewhere, behind the scenes, they want to tell me to go away, to stop bothering them. Irrational? Maybe. I have these crazy fears.

Seems like most of us empathize with you. Sometimes it's OK to just hang back with the interpersonal action. It's how you feel, and whatever you feel, irrational or not, is a legitimate feeling. The only downside is that the people that one generally cares for becomes the ones that these fears feed off of. It becomes more real the longer it goes on. Lord knows I've been down that road before, more often than I care to admit, and more recently with mutual friends than I care to admit.

But feelings pass. And sometimes, when you feel comfortable, you need to try and make them pass.

You seem to be very well-regarded by a lot of folks these days, whether locally, regionally or generally. I think that should add to more confidence for yourself when it comes to dealing with people in any scenario, on or offline. If you recognize your situation as a problem to deal with, maybe it's time to set aside the fear and just roll with it a little more. Easy for me to say, perhaps, but no less with the kernels of truth. :)