Getting Your Custard Out

[eggwards]

Ugh. my legs hurt from all of the standing and *ahem* other activities of the weekend. I really need to build up some leg stamina.

Last night with the folks, and we went to Culver's. I had mentioned that I had been to one in Wisconsin and Mom asked me when I was in Wisconsin...uhm. I hadn't told them about that trip last year. In fact, they also don't know that I went to Tucson last January. It's not that I'm embarrassed about the trips so much, but I just really don't want to explain bear runs just yet. I have to admit that there's not ever a great way to talk about a bear run, now is there. No matter how hard you try, as soon as you mention "gay men" and "get-together" everything goes back to sex.

It might be true, but for the parents, we try harder to not have them think about gay sex. That I have a boyfriend is probably enough. I can see it in my Dad's eyes, when I say "Chris and I had a wonderful weekend together" I can tell he's thinking, "Gay guy I haven't met had sex with my son. Who's the woman?"

Of course I say "Chris and I had a wonderful weekend together", I think of hot, gay sex. I guess it's natural. (oh, and probably something good for dinner one night, but you know...)

Luckily, I know my parent's don't have sex anymore. Those embarrassing years are over.

I haven't explained the bear thing to my folks either. It's probably unnecessary, really. They still haven't made notice of the bear sticker on the car, and lord knows they probably aren't really that interested to know what gets my crank going, or who, or what happened over the weekend. There's things you just don't need to talk about over a scoop of frozen custard.

Does this make me embarrassed of what I've done? Is it an embarrassment to me that I have, and do express my sexuality? Perhaps I am a little worried about perception when I say a big, hairy man turns my head. It's not that I'm beating myself up over it, but it's not always for public consumption. How often do your straight friends tell you that they had a great night fucking? Well, yeah, the guys might.

Sex is still the big taboo. Even with the gains of the sexual revolution, we've seemed to put sex, sensuality, and attraction right back in the closet. Sure, as straight guy can tell you he thinks the Hooter's girl is hot, but what if he thinks Roseanne is actually what gets him off? Bears tell other bears about their love for John Goodman and Richard Karn, but do you remember how unsexily they have been portrayed on shows and movies? Too bad that they are actually closer to the american norm than any of the Queer Eye guys would like to tell you.

For so long in life, we're told that our likes are weird, first it's the whole gay thing, then the whole bear thing, and before you know it, a big chunk of the bear movement gets taken up by guys who still don't look like you! Dang!

Now I don't think I'll change my ways and start spilling the beans to my parents, but maybe I need to look at what keeps me being more open and honest about my sex life. Why must I speak around in so many circles? What pushes me to think that having a little fun, that isn't cheating, since it was pre-discussed with my partner, is something that should be hidden, or at best only hinted at, and added to the, "Gosh, am I a slut?" section of my brain.

It's probably the same instinct that makes it hard to tell someone that I like them...and perhaps want to have some fun. It's also a big thing about society, so geared toward monogamy, and being chaste and proper and frowning like a upset Margaret Hamilton if I were to have go beyond a glance at Shane Hammon. Let alone taking him downtown.

Oh well, I'm going to bed alone tonight anyway, after I head out to the store for some more milk. See society, I am pure!

Comments

[nightfallcub.livejournal.com]

This was one of the best posts I've read in a long time.

I think sex for bears/chubs is different than it is for any other sector, gay or straight. Straight people tend to view gay people as their sexual practices. "Oh, that's so-and-so...he sucks cock." They don't see us like they see other straight people. They only tend to see our private practices.

The Typical Gay Man, on the other hand, does tend to be a highly sexual being, but only on his terms. Traditional beauty standards have always been intensified in the gay community, so when people think of big fat hairy men sexually, you can almost hear the collective "EWW" across the mountains and plains. Guys like us have been told all our lives that we are NOT attractive, that we are NOT the norm. So, we seek each other out, and people find out. they're shocked ("you mean, you have SEX?!?"). No wonder there's such a bear presence on the internet. No wonder there's the Bear Circuit (which I have never been brave enough to pursue, congrats on that mark).

Bears, however, still are gay men. They still want to fuck, and fuck a lot. This can be awkward for a lot of people to swallow. Straight people probably "trick" just as much as gay people, but since the societal view is not on their sexual practices, per se, it's not as known, or even praised. A lot of what you're feeling is shame because society posts all these constraints that we tend to violate simply because we choose to live.

My parents pretty much don't ask about my love life. However, they tell me every little thing that goes on about my sister's (slowly failing) marriage. I guess stuff like that is a common theme.

okay, I've rambled enough :)

euphemism

[bearpawly.livejournal.com]

head out to the store for some more milk

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Re: euphemism

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Well, it is Homogenized

[polomex.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's about embarrassment; it's about knowing your parents and what they can handle.

When I first came out to my parents, my father voiced his concerns about how I didn't know what I was talking about... and hasn't talked about it since.

My mother on the other hand instantly asked if I had a boyfriend. Since then, she has asked me about my sex life, including if I've given head, topped, and/or bottomed. She's asked me about bars, clubs, friends, parades, and bears.

And unluckily, I know that my parents still have sex. I get to hear my mother joke and talk about it way too often. It kills me how open my mother is when it comes to our conversations. I know I should feel lucky, and I guess in some ways I do... but man, it can be awkward.

At the same time however, I know I cannot be completely honest with my mother about the fact that Nick and I have an open relationship. It's a concept that most, if not all, straight people and even newly-Out queer folk have difficulty grasping. It's not about being embarrassed; it's about keeping everyone's sanity in place.

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

How often do your straight friends tell you that they had a great night fucking?

More often than I would think they would. My brother's even worse. :: laugh ::

As for the whole parents-and-sex thing ... I can see on one hand preserving their sanity (do they REALLY want/need to know?), but on the other hand it's also preserving your OWN. My mother and I are fairly open about the topic of sex and ... sometimes just things she asks about and delves upon can get really, REALLY weird, REALLY quickly. Because, I mean, Jesus, it's MOM.

if I were to have go beyond a glance at Shane Hammon. Let alone taking him downtown

I haven't even discussed the topic of monogamy with a number of my friends for the very reason that I'm sure I won't get a good reaction -- again, many of my straight friends have wives/girlfriends who consider looking at PORN to be cheating, so ...

And as for Shane Hammon ... well, Petula Clark DID say that things would be great when you're downtown. ^_-

BTW, Can I just say how much I really really loved this post?

And before I forget ...

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

Oh well, I'm going to bed alone tonight

(BIG HUG) Join the club, honey. Join the club. /_\

[cabearcub.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I'm not sure I see a correlation between being detailed about your sexual attraction to your parents and being embarrassed to tell friends, etc. who share the same information.

I'd think that it would be quite natural to NOT go into detail with your parents. That's and extreme example of TMI! That being said, I applaud any parent who has the type of familiar friend relationship with their adult gay son that they can actually want to know what turns their child's "crank".

But then again, I don't really understand the need to simultaneously revel in one's minority status at the same time yearning to feel a part of the crowd. Besides a general desire to be accepted by people in general, I've never really felt the need to "fit in" to the bear scene or any other. Actually, because of my disposition and the kinds of guys I am attracted to, I was inducted into the society well before I ever even considered pledging.

When you say "we" in this post, who are the "we"? Are you saying that you feel comfortable speaking for ALL bears, ALL gays, ALL sexual beings, or some other group? (Please don't take that question as me being flippant or asinine; I'm just curious)

My point is that I don't really see the discussion of sexual intimacy or graphic details therein to be something that one SHOULD feel comfortable divulging to any and all others in their lives. That doesn't make them embarrassed about who they are or the decisions they feel is right for them. It could very well just mean that certain aspects they PREFER to keep less than public news. I don't know too many men that want to hear sexual details about their parents, or even opposite orientation friends.

Now, if the true reason for not feeling comfortable in talking about it is because one is actually ashamed of doing the acts, then I agree, that's a problem....not with sharing the info, but committing an act they feel is wrong, etc.

My parents were gone by the time I was sexually active in my late teens. I came out to my seven siblings (of which I am a middle child) right after I finished college and moved to San Francisco. The overwhelming consensus, after the shock and denial, was that they loved me but either couldn't deal with it, or outright condemned it. That was 10 years ago. In ten years, the closest I've come to relate information that both sides felt reasonably comfortable with is talking to my oldest sister about relationships in general, and any hesitancy is because of what she is comfortable with. I consider that a fairly healthy openness between us. She's come a long way, mostly because I didn't try to make HER adapt to my life and feelings on my time table.

Of course, it's late and I may have misinterpreted what you were trying to say, so if I'm on a tangent, I apologize in advance.

[bear-with-me.livejournal.com]

Parents aren't your friends. They have a special role in your life. This role includes some boundries that should be respected. Boast and brag to your friends, spare the parents. They are on the "need to know" basis, and they really don't need to know sizes, tastes and textures. It has been my experience that parents kept in the dark are happy parents.

[garebear.livejournal.com]

Knowing a bit about your parent's situation, they may not have sex... but they're still human. That is, they may still be having some sort of sex... Your dad probably wacks off on occassion.

Let's face it; it's estimated that half of all men have had a homosexual experience once in their lives. It seems that 70 percent deny it, but studies show....

And you have to wonder what half your dad falls into.

And then there are the recent studies regarding being faithfull in a marriage...

Of course, they were young and horny once. To some extent, I don't think the horny ever goes away.

When you reach their age, what will your sex life be like? I hope it's a good one!

But, if they don't talk about their sex life, you shouldn't talk about yours. You should talk about your life, just in the same way your sister talks about hers... and that may include love and suggest intimate times.

Interestingly enough, straight couples do talk about sex; not just the men, but the women talking about their men... if you ever want to roll on the floor laughing, talk to a woman after she's broken up with a man.

And of the more twink type of men... I do discuss bears and chubs with them and it's really no different than any other preferences; although some respond as if I'm into watersports... then I respond to them as if they're into fisting... but it's all in fun.

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

I don't discuss the intimate details of my sex life with my parents, primarily out of respect for them and because I would not want to hear about THEIRS. However, my man is a big old football playin' bear, and he is as accepted as any member of the family. Certainly, he is my mother's favorite son-in-law. :)

I have a strange perspective on this. For the past three years, I have spent virtually all my leisure/friendship time in the company of bears and bear lovers. What does this mean in practice? It means that not only do I not see a problem with big guys getting it on, I rarely meet people who DO have a problem with that idea. Then again, since I came out of the closet I've had a devil-may-care attitude about the whole thing. To me, if someone has a problem with anything having to do with my consensual sexual practices, then that is that person's problem. I generally do not care what another person thinks of those practices.

When a person realizes that his actions are self-directed, it's incredibly liberating. Who CARES if you're a big guy and you like other hairy big guys? It's your life and your predilection, and screw 'em if they don't like it.

But that's just me.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

"We" is a try at universalizing my opinion. it's usually a clever ruse to try to make you opinion look like it's the prevailing one, the common sense one. It's a lazy fall back when you have a hard time emphasizing your opinion, and taking ownership of it. It's actually poor opinion writing, and I fall back on it now and again.

You're right, not everyone needs to know, and I'll aways censor stuff for my parents, but there's still secrets I hold from them, even basic ones, like info about the bear community.

But I'd like to be more open and honest about my sex life, and more at ease with it. It may take some time, I've really just gotten comfortable about gay sex behind closed doors...opening those doors a bit may take a little more work.

I want to be open and honest when appropriate, but currently, even in this forum, I'm less than that and I find that it equates to me still being embarrassed about it.