Getting Your Custard Out
Sep. 13th, 2004 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsUgh. my legs hurt from all of the standing and *ahem* other activities of the weekend. I really need to build up some leg stamina.
Last night with the folks, and we went to Culver's. I had mentioned that I had been to one in Wisconsin and Mom asked me when I was in Wisconsin...uhm. I hadn't told them about that trip last year. In fact, they also don't know that I went to Tucson last January. It's not that I'm embarrassed about the trips so much, but I just really don't want to explain bear runs just yet. I have to admit that there's not ever a great way to talk about a bear run, now is there. No matter how hard you try, as soon as you mention "gay men" and "get-together" everything goes back to sex.
It might be true, but for the parents, we try harder to not have them think about gay sex. That I have a boyfriend is probably enough. I can see it in my Dad's eyes, when I say "Chris and I had a wonderful weekend together" I can tell he's thinking, "Gay guy I haven't met had sex with my son. Who's the woman?"
Of course I say "Chris and I had a wonderful weekend together", I think of hot, gay sex. I guess it's natural. (oh, and probably something good for dinner one night, but you know...)
Luckily, I know my parent's don't have sex anymore. Those embarrassing years are over.
I haven't explained the bear thing to my folks either. It's probably unnecessary, really. They still haven't made notice of the bear sticker on the car, and lord knows they probably aren't really that interested to know what gets my crank going, or who, or what happened over the weekend. There's things you just don't need to talk about over a scoop of frozen custard.
Does this make me embarrassed of what I've done? Is it an embarrassment to me that I have, and do express my sexuality? Perhaps I am a little worried about perception when I say a big, hairy man turns my head. It's not that I'm beating myself up over it, but it's not always for public consumption. How often do your straight friends tell you that they had a great night fucking? Well, yeah, the guys might.
Sex is still the big taboo. Even with the gains of the sexual revolution, we've seemed to put sex, sensuality, and attraction right back in the closet. Sure, as straight guy can tell you he thinks the Hooter's girl is hot, but what if he thinks Roseanne is actually what gets him off? Bears tell other bears about their love for John Goodman and Richard Karn, but do you remember how unsexily they have been portrayed on shows and movies? Too bad that they are actually closer to the american norm than any of the Queer Eye guys would like to tell you.
For so long in life, we're told that our likes are weird, first it's the whole gay thing, then the whole bear thing, and before you know it, a big chunk of the bear movement gets taken up by guys who still don't look like you! Dang!
Now I don't think I'll change my ways and start spilling the beans to my parents, but maybe I need to look at what keeps me being more open and honest about my sex life. Why must I speak around in so many circles? What pushes me to think that having a little fun, that isn't cheating, since it was pre-discussed with my partner, is something that should be hidden, or at best only hinted at, and added to the, "Gosh, am I a slut?" section of my brain.
It's probably the same instinct that makes it hard to tell someone that I like them...and perhaps want to have some fun. It's also a big thing about society, so geared toward monogamy, and being chaste and proper and frowning like a upset Margaret Hamilton if I were to have go beyond a glance at Shane Hammon. Let alone taking him downtown.
Oh well, I'm going to bed alone tonight anyway, after I head out to the store for some more milk. See society, I am pure!
Last night with the folks, and we went to Culver's. I had mentioned that I had been to one in Wisconsin and Mom asked me when I was in Wisconsin...uhm. I hadn't told them about that trip last year. In fact, they also don't know that I went to Tucson last January. It's not that I'm embarrassed about the trips so much, but I just really don't want to explain bear runs just yet. I have to admit that there's not ever a great way to talk about a bear run, now is there. No matter how hard you try, as soon as you mention "gay men" and "get-together" everything goes back to sex.
It might be true, but for the parents, we try harder to not have them think about gay sex. That I have a boyfriend is probably enough. I can see it in my Dad's eyes, when I say "Chris and I had a wonderful weekend together" I can tell he's thinking, "Gay guy I haven't met had sex with my son. Who's the woman?"
Of course I say "Chris and I had a wonderful weekend together", I think of hot, gay sex. I guess it's natural. (oh, and probably something good for dinner one night, but you know...)
Luckily, I know my parent's don't have sex anymore. Those embarrassing years are over.
I haven't explained the bear thing to my folks either. It's probably unnecessary, really. They still haven't made notice of the bear sticker on the car, and lord knows they probably aren't really that interested to know what gets my crank going, or who, or what happened over the weekend. There's things you just don't need to talk about over a scoop of frozen custard.
Does this make me embarrassed of what I've done? Is it an embarrassment to me that I have, and do express my sexuality? Perhaps I am a little worried about perception when I say a big, hairy man turns my head. It's not that I'm beating myself up over it, but it's not always for public consumption. How often do your straight friends tell you that they had a great night fucking? Well, yeah, the guys might.
Sex is still the big taboo. Even with the gains of the sexual revolution, we've seemed to put sex, sensuality, and attraction right back in the closet. Sure, as straight guy can tell you he thinks the Hooter's girl is hot, but what if he thinks Roseanne is actually what gets him off? Bears tell other bears about their love for John Goodman and Richard Karn, but do you remember how unsexily they have been portrayed on shows and movies? Too bad that they are actually closer to the american norm than any of the Queer Eye guys would like to tell you.
For so long in life, we're told that our likes are weird, first it's the whole gay thing, then the whole bear thing, and before you know it, a big chunk of the bear movement gets taken up by guys who still don't look like you! Dang!
Now I don't think I'll change my ways and start spilling the beans to my parents, but maybe I need to look at what keeps me being more open and honest about my sex life. Why must I speak around in so many circles? What pushes me to think that having a little fun, that isn't cheating, since it was pre-discussed with my partner, is something that should be hidden, or at best only hinted at, and added to the, "Gosh, am I a slut?" section of my brain.
It's probably the same instinct that makes it hard to tell someone that I like them...and perhaps want to have some fun. It's also a big thing about society, so geared toward monogamy, and being chaste and proper and frowning like a upset Margaret Hamilton if I were to have go beyond a glance at Shane Hammon. Let alone taking him downtown.
Oh well, I'm going to bed alone tonight anyway, after I head out to the store for some more milk. See society, I am pure!
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-14 12:52 am (UTC)I'd think that it would be quite natural to NOT go into detail with your parents. That's and extreme example of TMI!
But then again, I don't really understand the need to simultaneously revel in one's minority status at the same time yearning to feel a part of the crowd. Besides a general desire to be accepted by people in general, I've never really felt the need to "fit in" to the bear scene or any other. Actually, because of my disposition and the kinds of guys I am attracted to, I was inducted into the society well before I ever even considered pledging.
When you say "we" in this post, who are the "we"? Are you saying that you feel comfortable speaking for ALL bears, ALL gays, ALL sexual beings, or some other group? (Please don't take that question as me being flippant or asinine; I'm just curious)
My point is that I don't really see the discussion of sexual intimacy or graphic details therein to be something that one SHOULD feel comfortable divulging to any and all others in their lives. That doesn't make them embarrassed about who they are or the decisions they feel is right for them. It could very well just mean that certain aspects they PREFER to keep less than public news. I don't know too many men that want to hear sexual details about their parents, or even opposite orientation friends.
Now, if the true reason for not feeling comfortable in talking about it is because one is actually ashamed of doing the acts, then I agree, that's a problem....not with sharing the info, but committing an act they feel is wrong, etc.
My parents were gone by the time I was sexually active in my late teens. I came out to my seven siblings (of which I am a middle child) right after I finished college and moved to San Francisco. The overwhelming consensus, after the shock and denial, was that they loved me but either couldn't deal with it, or outright condemned it. That was 10 years ago. In ten years, the closest I've come to relate information that both sides felt reasonably comfortable with is talking to my oldest sister about relationships in general, and any hesitancy is because of what she is comfortable with. I consider that a fairly healthy openness between us. She's come a long way, mostly because I didn't try to make HER adapt to my life and feelings on my time table.
Of course, it's late and I may have misinterpreted what you were trying to say, so if I'm on a tangent, I apologize in advance.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-14 05:54 am (UTC)You're right, not everyone needs to know, and I'll aways censor stuff for my parents, but there's still secrets I hold from them, even basic ones, like info about the bear community.
But I'd like to be more open and honest about my sex life, and more at ease with it. It may take some time, I've really just gotten comfortable about gay sex behind closed doors...opening those doors a bit may take a little more work.
I want to be open and honest when appropriate, but currently, even in this forum, I'm less than that and I find that it equates to me still being embarrassed about it.