Pulling the Ripcord
Feb. 22nd, 2004 02:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsTonight I went to the Ripcord.
Yep. By myself, without knowing if there would be someone there I knew. I circled the neighborhood once, cursed the lack of parking, and ran off to my office building, not too far away, to take care of business, and try to once again talk myself into going.
While in the bathroom, I could feel my self-esteem sinking. I'm feeling like going to the bar is now a matter of testing my manhood, and that's not a good feeling. In fact, it just makes me feel stupid and more childish. Still, I summoned a little courage, and drove back to the Montrose, parked and walked to the bar.
Got in, got a beer, and noticed there wasn't that big of a crowd. Tonight was Houston Bear night at another bar, but around midnight, they move to the Ripcord. From what I hear, the Ripcord is a much better bar. The other one, Mary's gives a special deal to the Bears to do their events on Saturday, whereas the Ripcord could only do it on Fridays, or something. Whatever, it's unimportant.
Well, tonight they must have been tired, because they weren't there. I got in at 12:30 and didn't see many of the regulars. I wandered through the bar, and out to the patio. No one I had seen before. I have a hard enough time trying to look, because I normally think it's rude to look at people you don't know. I'm the last person who will go trolling as I walk through the bar. I have to stop, then look. I can't actually cruise, I guess. Finally, I saw some folks at the video games (which I've never seen anyone play). I went over, said hi and...
Well, that was about it. I didn't have much to say to them, and ditto for them. We just stood there.
And stood there.
I looked around, and I saw some really cute guys, including someone I think Chris had pointed out on Bear 411 - from Beaumont, I think. Unfortunately, all of the cute folks are surrounded by other people. I already feel silly going up to someone and telling them they look cute. Having to fight the onlookers just doesn't make it worth it to me.
Then no one came up to me, either. I don't know if I needed to look more open (I tried) or I should have stayed longer, but i felt stupid and unattractive. When things are at low ebb, you should go somewhere affirming, right? Yeah, gay bars, so affirming.
Yea, maybe I would have done better if I had stayed more than 30 minutes. Still, around then I had finished my beer, it was smokey, and there was a dog waiting on me at home. I chucked the beer, looked around one last time, and got the hell out of there.
Chris is online chatting with me, talking me down a bit. Damn I'm lucky to have him. Personally, I'm going to give up on this stupid quest to be more "manly". There's no need to put myself through this. There's no need to make myself feel dumb, and anxious and a loser. There's no need to walk the small streets of the Montrose to get to a dark bar where you don't know people, so you close up and look even more unapproachable. It works wonders.
Personally, I'm going to see if the bears would like to start a coffee night, or a movie night. Screw the bars. Lets do something else.
I'm not going to the bars alone again. Done.
Yep. By myself, without knowing if there would be someone there I knew. I circled the neighborhood once, cursed the lack of parking, and ran off to my office building, not too far away, to take care of business, and try to once again talk myself into going.
While in the bathroom, I could feel my self-esteem sinking. I'm feeling like going to the bar is now a matter of testing my manhood, and that's not a good feeling. In fact, it just makes me feel stupid and more childish. Still, I summoned a little courage, and drove back to the Montrose, parked and walked to the bar.
Got in, got a beer, and noticed there wasn't that big of a crowd. Tonight was Houston Bear night at another bar, but around midnight, they move to the Ripcord. From what I hear, the Ripcord is a much better bar. The other one, Mary's gives a special deal to the Bears to do their events on Saturday, whereas the Ripcord could only do it on Fridays, or something. Whatever, it's unimportant.
Well, tonight they must have been tired, because they weren't there. I got in at 12:30 and didn't see many of the regulars. I wandered through the bar, and out to the patio. No one I had seen before. I have a hard enough time trying to look, because I normally think it's rude to look at people you don't know. I'm the last person who will go trolling as I walk through the bar. I have to stop, then look. I can't actually cruise, I guess. Finally, I saw some folks at the video games (which I've never seen anyone play). I went over, said hi and...
Well, that was about it. I didn't have much to say to them, and ditto for them. We just stood there.
And stood there.
I looked around, and I saw some really cute guys, including someone I think Chris had pointed out on Bear 411 - from Beaumont, I think. Unfortunately, all of the cute folks are surrounded by other people. I already feel silly going up to someone and telling them they look cute. Having to fight the onlookers just doesn't make it worth it to me.
Then no one came up to me, either. I don't know if I needed to look more open (I tried) or I should have stayed longer, but i felt stupid and unattractive. When things are at low ebb, you should go somewhere affirming, right? Yeah, gay bars, so affirming.
Yea, maybe I would have done better if I had stayed more than 30 minutes. Still, around then I had finished my beer, it was smokey, and there was a dog waiting on me at home. I chucked the beer, looked around one last time, and got the hell out of there.
Chris is online chatting with me, talking me down a bit. Damn I'm lucky to have him. Personally, I'm going to give up on this stupid quest to be more "manly". There's no need to put myself through this. There's no need to make myself feel dumb, and anxious and a loser. There's no need to walk the small streets of the Montrose to get to a dark bar where you don't know people, so you close up and look even more unapproachable. It works wonders.
Personally, I'm going to see if the bears would like to start a coffee night, or a movie night. Screw the bars. Lets do something else.
I'm not going to the bars alone again. Done.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-22 02:38 am (UTC)I go on the event nights, because of Board meetings prior to the events... and often end up working the events.
I get to say hi to those that I know, but by and large I am mostly ignored and feeling totally unattractive... the one exception was at the February social.
I was at the urinal... a trough version that has a mirror strategically placed above it. This cute guy came in, opened his pants and pulled it down so everything was in plain view...he kept staring at my privates and then shif his eyes to mine and kept giving me big grins. He was very clearly aroused.
I may be a slut, but if someone's going to give me attention, I'd prefer it to be somewhere else. I just had to leave. If I had my choice, I wouldn't be at bars either... but don't give up on it too quickly. Somehow I think it's a way for you to meet certain things that challenge you... in the very least it's certainly interesting material for fodder.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-22 11:42 am (UTC)Hey you know you can always hang with me at bars!
Re:
Date: 2004-02-22 10:02 pm (UTC)Now...when was the last time I saw you at Pistons?
Re:
Date: 2004-02-23 12:43 am (UTC)I actually have not been to Pistons since November .... but now if I knew you'd be going - it'll be motivation for me to go....