Pulling the Ripcord

[eggwards]

Tonight I went to the Ripcord.

Yep. By myself, without knowing if there would be someone there I knew. I circled the neighborhood once, cursed the lack of parking, and ran off to my office building, not too far away, to take care of business, and try to once again talk myself into going.

While in the bathroom, I could feel my self-esteem sinking. I'm feeling like going to the bar is now a matter of testing my manhood, and that's not a good feeling. In fact, it just makes me feel stupid and more childish. Still, I summoned a little courage, and drove back to the Montrose, parked and walked to the bar.

Got in, got a beer, and noticed there wasn't that big of a crowd. Tonight was Houston Bear night at another bar, but around midnight, they move to the Ripcord. From what I hear, the Ripcord is a much better bar. The other one, Mary's gives a special deal to the Bears to do their events on Saturday, whereas the Ripcord could only do it on Fridays, or something. Whatever, it's unimportant.

Well, tonight they must have been tired, because they weren't there. I got in at 12:30 and didn't see many of the regulars. I wandered through the bar, and out to the patio. No one I had seen before. I have a hard enough time trying to look, because I normally think it's rude to look at people you don't know. I'm the last person who will go trolling as I walk through the bar. I have to stop, then look. I can't actually cruise, I guess. Finally, I saw some folks at the video games (which I've never seen anyone play). I went over, said hi and...

Well, that was about it. I didn't have much to say to them, and ditto for them. We just stood there.

And stood there.

I looked around, and I saw some really cute guys, including someone I think Chris had pointed out on Bear 411 - from Beaumont, I think. Unfortunately, all of the cute folks are surrounded by other people. I already feel silly going up to someone and telling them they look cute. Having to fight the onlookers just doesn't make it worth it to me.

Then no one came up to me, either. I don't know if I needed to look more open (I tried) or I should have stayed longer, but i felt stupid and unattractive. When things are at low ebb, you should go somewhere affirming, right? Yeah, gay bars, so affirming.

Yea, maybe I would have done better if I had stayed more than 30 minutes. Still, around then I had finished my beer, it was smokey, and there was a dog waiting on me at home. I chucked the beer, looked around one last time, and got the hell out of there.

Chris is online chatting with me, talking me down a bit. Damn I'm lucky to have him. Personally, I'm going to give up on this stupid quest to be more "manly". There's no need to put myself through this. There's no need to make myself feel dumb, and anxious and a loser. There's no need to walk the small streets of the Montrose to get to a dark bar where you don't know people, so you close up and look even more unapproachable. It works wonders.

Personally, I'm going to see if the bears would like to start a coffee night, or a movie night. Screw the bars. Lets do something else.

I'm not going to the bars alone again. Done.

Comments

[paladincub21.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I understand your feelings and have felt them myself. Its so hard sometimes to just be comfortable.

[jaybear.livejournal.com]

One of the things that made the Northeast Ursamen so attractive when we were in southern New England was the fact that, of the six or seven monthly activites that were planned, only two or three tops took place in bars.

Inner tubing, pool parties, hikes, movie nights, dinners, camping trips, potlucks, etc. are all much more prevalent. It truly was a social club and not a club for hooking up in bars. If the one in Houston is the latter, that sucks. Unfortunately, the only way to change that is through effort.

Re:

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

You're exactly right. The Houston Area Bears are pretty boring, actually. they have one bar night, and a meeting each month. One guy was trying to get them to go play putt-putt, but it's a hard sell in the winter. It's not a hook-up club, really, but it's not an active club, either. I wanted to introduce the idea in the last meeting, but their gearing up for an event this week that they have a show to do...and I'm not involved. Given that the show's in a bar...I don't think I'll attend.

I'll try to launch a coffee night, or something like Dallas's Movie Bears. That would be better.

Thanks. I have no Idea what the Heart of Texas Bears (are they SA, or just Austin?) do.

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

(HUG) I don't ever want to go to bars alone either, honey. I'm sorry that you had the experience you did, and I'm glad Chris was there to help.

If it helps any, a laugh : I kept almost typing your BF's name as "Christ". ^^;;;;;

[garebear.livejournal.com]

Don't feel bad. I usually have the same bar experience. It's even stranger, since my choice of drink is Diet Coke.

I go on the event nights, because of Board meetings prior to the events... and often end up working the events.

I get to say hi to those that I know, but by and large I am mostly ignored and feeling totally unattractive... the one exception was at the February social.

I was at the urinal... a trough version that has a mirror strategically placed above it. This cute guy came in, opened his pants and pulled it down so everything was in plain view...he kept staring at my privates and then shif his eyes to mine and kept giving me big grins. He was very clearly aroused.

I may be a slut, but if someone's going to give me attention, I'd prefer it to be somewhere else. I just had to leave. If I had my choice, I wouldn't be at bars either... but don't give up on it too quickly. Somehow I think it's a way for you to meet certain things that challenge you... in the very least it's certainly interesting material for fodder.

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[kenlin.livejournal.com]

omg remind me to NEVER go the bathroom with you at Pistons EVER!

Hey you know you can always hang with me at bars!

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[garebear.livejournal.com]

I wasn't waving my thing at him! I was just trying to do my business.

Now...when was the last time I saw you at Pistons?

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[kenlin.livejournal.com]

My very first time at Pistons I got accosted at the trough and poor lil me got taken advantage of... I'm still traumatized today....

I actually have not been to Pistons since November .... but now if I knew you'd be going - it'll be motivation for me to go....

[jdvsqz.livejournal.com]

I have always felt that the bars were over-rated; give me a night out with friends at dinner, out to the movies, or just hanging out with them at home.

[xanaducub.livejournal.com]

I feel the same way about going to bars alone, it sucks. But, the one positive exprience for me was Country Night at Connexions.

I would go every Tuesday and dance (or learn to). It didn't matter who was going to be there, because I was going to dance.

This made it easier for me to venture to other bars by myself on the off chance that I might have a good time.

Maybe there is a themed bar night that you might enjoy, versus going for the people?

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[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I agree with you. i sort of compounded my already poor self esteem night by going to a place that makes me anxious. not a good thing. There were some nice looking people, but I have no idea if anything goes further from there, since I never talked to any of them. I just kind of froze, and became uncomfortable. I just don't see much of a reason to go...it's all a little silly. It's not that I'm trying to pick someone up or anything. I'll just need to get with a friend and go...then fewer worries.

We'll see how it goes, but I don't think I'll try going by myself for a while.

Thanks.

Bar Strategy

[alphaschnitz.livejournal.com]

I've been told on numerous occasions that I know how to "work" a bar, but I've never really understood what that means.

That being said, when I'm in an unfamiliar bar and don't know anyone, I try to take a lap of the bar to scout out the best vantage points. Typically that is someplace with a moderate traffic level & an expansive view of the bar. Then I stand and watch and amuse myself with all of the goings-on of the bar. Who is trying to hook up with whom, who seems to be avoiding whom, etc. Its like my own little ant farm, and this seems to amuse me for quite some time.

As near as I can tell, this projects a level of aloofness that gay men must find incredibly attractive. If someone catches my eye, I smile. Even if I never end up talking to anyone other than the bartender who took my drink order, I still had fun people-watching.

Re: Bar Strategy

[polomex.livejournal.com]

Well put.

If you go into an unfamiliar bar looking for a conversation of quality, more often than not you're going to be sorely disappointed.

As Schnitz said, order, perch, people-watch. Sounds boring, and it can be, but it is a nice way to decompress and get away from everything that's been going on in the week.

Re: Bar Strategy

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I thought about that. I stopped a bit to people watch, which normally I LOVE. Something about the vibe there, and that I felt I wasn't really feeling right just made me uncomfortable. Usually I don't mind being a wallflower. I think I just got myself in a bad place last night, then compounded on it by going to the bar. I wasn't in the right mindset.

Besides, when half of conversation starts with "woof" or "hey, uhm, you're kinda cute," there isn't much hope for a conversation on causual physics or something. :-)

[bookish-cub.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't take it too personally, if I were you. It's always been my experience that bear bars are just as, if not more, cliquish as other gay bars. Unless you're super-assertive, it's not always easy to meet new people in them.

[lukebacca.livejournal.com]

I don't like going to bars alone, either. I feel very out-of-place.

"Personally, I'm going to see if the bears would like to start a coffee night, or a movie night. Screw the bars. Lets do something else.
"

Yes! I decided to do exactly that. Starting in April, the Buffalo Bears will have a regular Coffee Night on the 4th Saturday of every month, chaired by Lil ol' Me™. :o)

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[jrjarrett.livejournal.com]

Really? Where? That sounds like something I might consider making the drive from Rochester for.

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[lukebacca.livejournal.com]

I believe it was of the popular vote that we hold it at a place called "Coffee And" on Elmwood Avenue.

I'm going to go there in the next couple of weeks to find out everything we need to know.

Would be cool if you could make it. :o)

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[poet-bear.livejournal.com]

"Coffee And" is gay owned, and the owner is said to be bearish. He has been looking forward to the Buffalo Bears holding an event there for some time now. So I would expect we could even have a standing reserved place there once Luke gets this going.

As far as bars go, it depends on if people perceive you as approachable. Don't stand in a corner looking like why am I even here. Don't stand there with your arms folded, move with the music, and make eye contact. Have some topics in your head to talk about, when someone approaches you. If you approach someone, and run out of things to say... excuse yourself and tell him you hope you can talk to him again sometime (this way he knows you are interested)

And don't make yourself miserable if things don't work out. You are there to have a good time, so if you get to talk to someone, great... if you feel bord, get the hell out of there. Don't base your self-esteem on what happens in a bar. You just empower something to gain control over you when you do. If that is what is happening already ... stay away from the bar for a few months.

[kenlin.livejournal.com]

You are brave by going alone. It's incredibly tough. You are NOT unattractive at all in fact I think you're quite handsome.

Going alone is very tough and when you don't see anyone you recognize that's tougher - I have done that over a million times it's hard and you were brave to go say hi to someone at the video game and then Chris was there. So you did very well.

I play the safe game and I don't go unless I'm with someone. That has it's own detriments too... you don't meet many people when you're surrounded with friends. Also if you feel negative or weird - people sense that. Also the other guys standing around are just as nervous as you are.

Well again I think you were brave and you are not a loser and you are not unattractive.