Do You Need Your Parking Ticket Validated?

[eggwards]

One of the aspects of being a gay male means that you are looking for acceptance, socialization and even love from a group that's pretty much like you. Heterosexuals at least get to expand their group to a more diverse set of people, despite eHarmony's 28 dimensions of compatibility.

The rational part of my head says it's stupid to be looking for validation at a bear run, but deep down inside, here's a group of hot, sexy men all in one place, and all I really want to do is feel like I belong with them. I want to know that I'm good enough, handsome enough, entertaining enough to be one of them.

But yet I always feel like pulling away from the crowd. I like my personal space, and the hotel lobby just isn't a great place for it. I feel that no one is interested in my conversation, so I shut down, but yet, here I am wanting to be (lord help me I'm thinking of a Disney tune now) a part of the cool kids, the sexy kids.

I wish my head could give this fear up and just let me get on with it. Damn me and my tendency to overanalyze everything.

Comments

[texaspenguin.livejournal.com]

I have Part of Your World stuck in my head now. ;)

I had the same fear every time I went to TBRU. If it makes you feel any better, I still think of the time when you knocked on my door by accident the first year I was there and I sheepishly told you and Chris that you had the wrong door even though I knew exactly who you were. *hug*

I wish I were there. Not for sex or anything, because that'd probably be the last thing on my mind, but just to hug my friends.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I know, I started to write "part of that world" and I thought, wow, that's a bigger cliche than usual for me!

It's a tough one because I have to try to overcome the fears. People I know help, but then I feel I'm not making the most of it by meeting new people, too! I'm pretty sure if you or anyone else came up to the door, and I hadn't met you formerly, I would be scared to introduce myself as well!

I know you are looking to leave Texas, but you do need to visit!

[joezer.livejournal.com]

A thought process I know only too well in myself...

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I hear you. Still, we try to make the best of it. Are you going to Disney Gay Days this year?

[joezer.livejournal.com]

At this time it doesn't look like it...

But, if something changes and I can I'll be sure to post notices on the 'netzes.

[jkusters]

For what it's worth, I very much enjoyed the time we spent chatting. So there are at least *some* people who are interested in your conversation.

But I so totally understand where you're coming from. My experience is very, very similar.

I hope you find some time to let go of that inner critic and let the fun happen. It's may be very hard to do, but it usually has good results.

Hugs,
JOhn.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed that time too. It was a weird event, but we made the best of it.

Everyone says I should just drink more and be able to let go, but I get stupid(er) when I'm drunk, so if I'm already having enough trouble with self-esteem, well...

[rooooo.livejournal.com]

you know, I have felt the same way many times...I don't fit in with any of the bar crowds and I've never been to a big bear event because I just think my interests are far different than most people's.

That being said, when I *am* in that situation, I pretty much throw caution to the wind. Who cares about "acceptance"? You have to accept yourself first, be happy about who you are, and fuck everyone else. Make your own fun and if people want to join in for the ride, so be it.

My friend Scott told me "You have to pretend that you're a train. You have a destination and your own planned route. People can opt to join in and hop on your train for the ride, or they can stand by the side of the tracks and miss out on whatever fun you're destined to have."

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I want to say "Oh, but you're so handsome!, but that's what someone told me this weekend and it still didn't help where my head was at the time. If you have a hard time with acceptance, it's hard to see through it and see what others see.

I guess I just need to work on that train's destination to get there. I see pics of events I wasn't at, and wish i had worked harder to be there. It's taking chances, I can do it at work, but I have a hard time doing it with my social life.

Thanks Randy!

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

I want to know that I'm good enough, handsome enough, entertaining enough to be one of them. ... Hon, there are all kinds of people out there feeling the same way inside that you do. Just be yourself. I think the issue is more about disliking crowds, than fitting in. You fit in ... Ever think that you could say ... "good enough, handsome enough, entertaining enough, better than" ... Don't give away any of your power. You have all of the qualities you admire in others and more!

HUGS!

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Hon, there are all kinds of people out there feeling the same way inside that you do.

I wish I knew who they were so I could take advantage of them! :-)

Yeah, I do tend to shrink away because I feel less than worthy. I also find if many people are talking I can't hear well, so it makes it more difficult to concentrate and makes me feel left out of the group. I prefer smaller groups that TBRU, and enjoy when a small group of us go out for dinner. So much better.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there's plenty of guys who go to a big run, only see their friends that they traveled with and never talk to another person. Well, unless they are extremely hot. The acceptance and brotherhood is at the same level as ant high school in America.

The eye candy, and meeting up with some friends, mostly people I already knew, make it worth it, I just try to build the whole thing up to some magical fantasy where I'm beloved by all. It's the wrong place for that - I just need to be more realistic.

[bendawg.livejournal.com]

& here I thought I was the shy one when I had the luck to meet you. :-)

I hope you're having fun - both personal and public times seem healthy to me, although I don't have nearly enough social time.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I did alright, I was somewhat social and didn't go flying into some rage this year...so I guess it was a good one. There's never enough social time, though!

[nightfallcub.livejournal.com]

you know, funny you post this...

I was very interested in talking to you...I was just too shy to try to make conversation. I guess you're one of those people in my mind...people who I view as so above me.

not that you're haughty or anything...it's just that I view myself as so much less than a lot of the guys there. but I guess it's thoughts like that which kept me in my room saturday night. *shrug*

for what it's worth, I saw you as one of the cool, sexy, popular kids. *shrug*

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks Larry! I know it can be difficult. Perhaps the desire to be popular is more of the disease in itself. Those who are not infected are the ones who come off as confident and popular themselves.

I worry that my fear of crowds and hard time putting myself out there makes me look haughty or stuck up. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I could see why people might think I'm being exclusive or hard to get. Personally I'd like more people to just come and talk to me, I'm just not the one to make the first move! I've got it in my head that i don't want to bother other people.

I wish I was as cool or sexy as all that!

I could tell you you need to take a chance, but that advice seems a little strange coming from me.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Now if I could just get that in my head - well, then maybe I'd be an asshole. Perhaps it's part of my sweet demeanor (or something) that I don't know this!

[garebear.livejournal.com]

I was wondering if you were ever going to post what happened for you to your journal.

I remember when I first met you in Houston. I would have loved to have had a private moment with you. I just wasn't sure if you'd accept my move. I figured I probably wasn't your type.

It was a joy getting a tour of Houston from you and once we got to the hotel and we were just hanging out outside the hospitality suite. When I'd go in, the guys would ask me, "do you know him? He's hot!" You were so unaware that you had all these guys who wanted their chance with you (and some of them were really good looking, at least a chaser or two), but they didn't have the nerve to go up to you and start talking.

I see Kip, perhaps one or two times a year. He kids me about how he stole you away from me. But Kip is really a charming guy... and very direct. He had the courage to approach you, ask for a kiss and go to your room. I have a friend who says, "he who hesitates, masturbates." Really, you should have more confidence.... simply because you deserve it.