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And they rolled the stone away...
Apr. 17th, 2003 09:24 amI'm going to send an email to my father in a few minutes.
I'm proposing taking him to lunch on Easter Sunday. Then I'm going to tell him.
Why Easter Sunday? Neither of us go to church. Dad moved from Episcopalian to Methodist when he married mom, and then fell out, and never went back. Still, I can recall when my Grandmother died, and there was a memorial service for her, he was upset that there was a female priest (who I loved).
This also means that Mom will be out of the picture. She will be safely praising the Lord.
I know that Easter Sunday is not the optimal setting, a day to celebrate renewal and the promise of tomorrow. I can only hope that spirit will be there.
I don't know how he will react. I've been thinking about every scenario, over and over. I have that tendency to hit the worst-case one right away. He may be shocked, he might not. I fear he's going to be upset, and disappointed. In this case, he'll just be quiet, and not react.
My sister and I talked about this, she suggested that if he shuts down, don't push him to react. Just accept the silence. I think that's good advice. It may take a while before he gets back to me, if he does.
(side note: Laura and Ed offered to email dad with a "my friend" type note to say that one of their friends was coming out, how would he react...etc. I told them no, I don't want to trick Dad into giving a reaction that probably wouldn't be true and would just put him on edge when he gets around to hear it from me. Thanks for the offer, though)
If you asked me a few years ago, if I cared about my father's favor I would have lied and said no, I don't. That's not true today. I want to have a relationship with him. I want him to think I'm a good son. I don't want to disappoint him. For a while, it seemed like that's all I was doing, being a fuck-up and all, but recently, things have turned around, I've become more of my own man, and he's noticed and approved.
And now this.
I feel like there's a gap. There's a part of his son that isn't truthful, isn't sharing, and that's the part that's growing right now. By coming out to him, I will truly say, here's the whole me. I'm gay and it's as much a part of me as my love of comic books or ability to lead a group at work.
Take it or leave it.
So I've been thinking about this step, where to go, how the logistics will work (two cars, so he could leave on his own if he wants to), and the worst one...what to say. I haven't really gotten to that, maybe it's good that I don't. I've been close to telling, and I find that either the words, or Mom got in the way (Yes, I know I'm risking Mom knowing - depends on what Dad decides to do once he knows).
Again, I don't know how he'll react. I think I've said before that during a conversation about a year ago between him, Laura, Ed and me, he stated that he thought homosexuality is a perversion and a sin (this opinion may be somewhat mixed with his work at the jail, too). I remember cringing and retreating back into a corner when he said it, so I'm already starting with a handicap.
So this could be the bravest moment in my life, if I can pull it off. I may retreat, I don't know.
The twist? That little part that just adds to the enjoyment of creating the worst-case scenario? You'd have to know Texas, and the concealed carry laws in this state.
Dad's going to be armed.
I'm proposing taking him to lunch on Easter Sunday. Then I'm going to tell him.
Why Easter Sunday? Neither of us go to church. Dad moved from Episcopalian to Methodist when he married mom, and then fell out, and never went back. Still, I can recall when my Grandmother died, and there was a memorial service for her, he was upset that there was a female priest (who I loved).
This also means that Mom will be out of the picture. She will be safely praising the Lord.
I know that Easter Sunday is not the optimal setting, a day to celebrate renewal and the promise of tomorrow. I can only hope that spirit will be there.
I don't know how he will react. I've been thinking about every scenario, over and over. I have that tendency to hit the worst-case one right away. He may be shocked, he might not. I fear he's going to be upset, and disappointed. In this case, he'll just be quiet, and not react.
My sister and I talked about this, she suggested that if he shuts down, don't push him to react. Just accept the silence. I think that's good advice. It may take a while before he gets back to me, if he does.
(side note: Laura and Ed offered to email dad with a "my friend" type note to say that one of their friends was coming out, how would he react...etc. I told them no, I don't want to trick Dad into giving a reaction that probably wouldn't be true and would just put him on edge when he gets around to hear it from me. Thanks for the offer, though)
If you asked me a few years ago, if I cared about my father's favor I would have lied and said no, I don't. That's not true today. I want to have a relationship with him. I want him to think I'm a good son. I don't want to disappoint him. For a while, it seemed like that's all I was doing, being a fuck-up and all, but recently, things have turned around, I've become more of my own man, and he's noticed and approved.
And now this.
I feel like there's a gap. There's a part of his son that isn't truthful, isn't sharing, and that's the part that's growing right now. By coming out to him, I will truly say, here's the whole me. I'm gay and it's as much a part of me as my love of comic books or ability to lead a group at work.
Take it or leave it.
So I've been thinking about this step, where to go, how the logistics will work (two cars, so he could leave on his own if he wants to), and the worst one...what to say. I haven't really gotten to that, maybe it's good that I don't. I've been close to telling, and I find that either the words, or Mom got in the way (Yes, I know I'm risking Mom knowing - depends on what Dad decides to do once he knows).
Again, I don't know how he'll react. I think I've said before that during a conversation about a year ago between him, Laura, Ed and me, he stated that he thought homosexuality is a perversion and a sin (this opinion may be somewhat mixed with his work at the jail, too). I remember cringing and retreating back into a corner when he said it, so I'm already starting with a handicap.
So this could be the bravest moment in my life, if I can pull it off. I may retreat, I don't know.
The twist? That little part that just adds to the enjoyment of creating the worst-case scenario? You'd have to know Texas, and the concealed carry laws in this state.
Dad's going to be armed.
