Scaredy Cat
Aug. 24th, 2003 01:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsHappy belated birthday to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
drmrdave and a happy birthday to Roger (aadroma)
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Last night I was invited to Jerome's birthday party last night. normally i would detail everything about it, but in this case, I dressed up for it, got to his street, didn't initially know which townhouse it was, and then freaked.
I don't know what it was, but something in me was just screaming at me not to get out of the car. Something just telling me that I wasn't going to be comfortable in that party and I shouldn't go. It is the same anxiety that i get around gay bars. something in me just isn't brave enough to even make it to the door.
Yes, Jerome is one of the out co-workers, and is Greg and Kurt who would also be there. I certainly don't run in the same social circles as they do. They've been talking lately about heading to Austin for Labor Day for some big circuit party thing. I just haven't dealt with them much on the social scale. I went to a New Years party that Jerome had (with his now ex) and felt totally stupid being the only bearish guy amongst the twinks.
This was to be a smaller party, just some friends, a couple of them I have met, then they would go to Rich's to dance away the night. Dancing actually sounded good (despite the huge crowd Rich's gets on the weekend). I just couldn't see myself enjoying the party. I know that if Chris could have been there, I would have had a better time. I hate to say that I could have used him as a security blanket, but he knows I've done it before.
I'm still unable to move through the community. I don't know how to do it. Things still cause me concern and frighten me. I keep getting mad at myself for not being a grown-up. for not being able to put aside fears and feelings and be an adult about things. I was happy about the invite to Jerome's party. I got ready, and dressed for the occasion, but somewhere along the drive it became something else. it seemed like a test that I hadn't studied for. I saw it in a light I didn't like. There was just this numbing paralysis that wouldn't allow me to get out of that car, despite parking. Despite turing the car off. the neighborhood was nice, there was just a scaredy cat outside who wouldn't come in.
I hung around a parking lot nearby for about half an hour, trying to get over the feeling and prepare myself for the party. I couldn't do it. Something made me drive away, and drive all of the way to Pearland (about 25 miles away). Just driving, I had no other plans. I tried to clear my mind and move on. I called John on the phone and had one of the most addled, non-drunk conversations ever. I'm sure I left him baffled but I didn't want to put my troubles on him.
I caught up with John and Dawn once I was already in town, and made a lie that I just happened to be in Pearland-for something. We had some dinner and updated each other on the state of our lives. I left way to late to catch up with the birthday party, which was alright with me.
I'll just have to make something up on Monday when they ask me why I didn't come to the party. I guess I was sick.
drmrdave and a happy birthday to Roger (aadroma)-------------------------
Last night I was invited to Jerome's birthday party last night. normally i would detail everything about it, but in this case, I dressed up for it, got to his street, didn't initially know which townhouse it was, and then freaked.
I don't know what it was, but something in me was just screaming at me not to get out of the car. Something just telling me that I wasn't going to be comfortable in that party and I shouldn't go. It is the same anxiety that i get around gay bars. something in me just isn't brave enough to even make it to the door.
Yes, Jerome is one of the out co-workers, and is Greg and Kurt who would also be there. I certainly don't run in the same social circles as they do. They've been talking lately about heading to Austin for Labor Day for some big circuit party thing. I just haven't dealt with them much on the social scale. I went to a New Years party that Jerome had (with his now ex) and felt totally stupid being the only bearish guy amongst the twinks.
This was to be a smaller party, just some friends, a couple of them I have met, then they would go to Rich's to dance away the night. Dancing actually sounded good (despite the huge crowd Rich's gets on the weekend). I just couldn't see myself enjoying the party. I know that if Chris could have been there, I would have had a better time. I hate to say that I could have used him as a security blanket, but he knows I've done it before.
I'm still unable to move through the community. I don't know how to do it. Things still cause me concern and frighten me. I keep getting mad at myself for not being a grown-up. for not being able to put aside fears and feelings and be an adult about things. I was happy about the invite to Jerome's party. I got ready, and dressed for the occasion, but somewhere along the drive it became something else. it seemed like a test that I hadn't studied for. I saw it in a light I didn't like. There was just this numbing paralysis that wouldn't allow me to get out of that car, despite parking. Despite turing the car off. the neighborhood was nice, there was just a scaredy cat outside who wouldn't come in.
I hung around a parking lot nearby for about half an hour, trying to get over the feeling and prepare myself for the party. I couldn't do it. Something made me drive away, and drive all of the way to Pearland (about 25 miles away). Just driving, I had no other plans. I tried to clear my mind and move on. I called John on the phone and had one of the most addled, non-drunk conversations ever. I'm sure I left him baffled but I didn't want to put my troubles on him.
I caught up with John and Dawn once I was already in town, and made a lie that I just happened to be in Pearland-for something. We had some dinner and updated each other on the state of our lives. I left way to late to catch up with the birthday party, which was alright with me.
I'll just have to make something up on Monday when they ask me why I didn't come to the party. I guess I was sick.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-25 02:52 pm (UTC)You really need to give yourself some sort of slack, honey; you really can't expect to be able to conquer all when you haven't been out all that long. It WILL happen, but sometimes you need to nudge yourself. Don't beat yourself down; it'll happen.