And they rolled the stone away...

[eggwards]

I'm going to send an email to my father in a few minutes.

I'm proposing taking him to lunch on Easter Sunday. Then I'm going to tell him.

Why Easter Sunday? Neither of us go to church. Dad moved from Episcopalian to Methodist when he married mom, and then fell out, and never went back. Still, I can recall when my Grandmother died, and there was a memorial service for her, he was upset that there was a female priest (who I loved).

This also means that Mom will be out of the picture. She will be safely praising the Lord.

I know that Easter Sunday is not the optimal setting, a day to celebrate renewal and the promise of tomorrow. I can only hope that spirit will be there.

I don't know how he will react. I've been thinking about every scenario, over and over. I have that tendency to hit the worst-case one right away. He may be shocked, he might not. I fear he's going to be upset, and disappointed. In this case, he'll just be quiet, and not react.

My sister and I talked about this, she suggested that if he shuts down, don't push him to react. Just accept the silence. I think that's good advice. It may take a while before he gets back to me, if he does.

(side note: Laura and Ed offered to email dad with a "my friend" type note to say that one of their friends was coming out, how would he react...etc. I told them no, I don't want to trick Dad into giving a reaction that probably wouldn't be true and would just put him on edge when he gets around to hear it from me. Thanks for the offer, though)

If you asked me a few years ago, if I cared about my father's favor I would have lied and said no, I don't. That's not true today. I want to have a relationship with him. I want him to think I'm a good son. I don't want to disappoint him. For a while, it seemed like that's all I was doing, being a fuck-up and all, but recently, things have turned around, I've become more of my own man, and he's noticed and approved.

And now this.

I feel like there's a gap. There's a part of his son that isn't truthful, isn't sharing, and that's the part that's growing right now. By coming out to him, I will truly say, here's the whole me. I'm gay and it's as much a part of me as my love of comic books or ability to lead a group at work.

Take it or leave it.

So I've been thinking about this step, where to go, how the logistics will work (two cars, so he could leave on his own if he wants to), and the worst one...what to say. I haven't really gotten to that, maybe it's good that I don't. I've been close to telling, and I find that either the words, or Mom got in the way (Yes, I know I'm risking Mom knowing - depends on what Dad decides to do once he knows).

Again, I don't know how he'll react. I think I've said before that during a conversation about a year ago between him, Laura, Ed and me, he stated that he thought homosexuality is a perversion and a sin (this opinion may be somewhat mixed with his work at the jail, too). I remember cringing and retreating back into a corner when he said it, so I'm already starting with a handicap.

So this could be the bravest moment in my life, if I can pull it off. I may retreat, I don't know.

The twist? That little part that just adds to the enjoyment of creating the worst-case scenario? You'd have to know Texas, and the concealed carry laws in this state.

Dad's going to be armed.

Comments

ARMED??

[randomcub.livejournal.com]

Oy.

When I came out to Dad I sent him a letter.

[oakleycub.livejournal.com]

Most restaurants have a sign that clearly states you cannot carry a concealed weapon in the premises. You should be fine until he gets back to his car.

[jrcubindy.livejournal.com]

Best of luck to you, handsome.

I sincerely doubt he'll pull on ya, though. You ARE his son. :)

[standardtom.livejournal.com]

I know just what you're going through, Michael.

When I came out to my parents, even though I'd been thinking about doing it, the moment I decided to do it was completely spontaneous. But the reason I did it was that I was tired of editing my life for presentation to my parents. I'm an only child, and have always been very close and up-front with my parents, and keeping things from them was not how I wanted to be around them.

[mattycub.livejournal.com]

I'm very, very proud of you for taking this step. There's no doubt it's tough, and I can understand your trepidation. But no matter the outcome, you're going to feel a huge sense of relief once it's done. You don't really know how havy secrets are until you've finally set them down. Trust me.

Also, it's not uncommon for people with very negative views towards gay people to change them once they discover someone they know and love is gay. Ignorance breeds fear breeds prejudice, after all. I wouldn't be surprised if your revelation doesn't cause him to reexamine some things.

*hugs* I wish you the best of luck.

[xanaducub.livejournal.com]

My initial comming out was during a discussion at the dinner table about how homosexuals were the cause of the great floods in the book of Genesis.

I got up from the table, advised my parents that I was glad I didn't live back then because I wouldn't want to have been the cause of the great floods, and I went out.

It took them a few months to really accept what happened at the dinner table that night. The final acceptance was when the harness arrived from MR. S Leather's with the catalog of leather clad men. Dad and I have the same name,and he happened to be home that day and opened the box.

Whoops.

But now I am out, 8 years have passed and I live 1,200 miles away with my wonderful husband of 3+ years.

Go figure.

[endogenousardor.livejournal.com]

I think it's great you're telling him!!! Congratulations!

I got you beat on calendar timing, though. I told mine on Father's Day! My coming out (http://www.livejournal.com/users/endogenousardor/4266.html).

One suggestion... for his sake, don't tell him in a public place. Tell him someplace where he feels comfortable and safe; someplace where he can react without having to guard his emotions from perfect strangers. Wait until you get home after lunch. And don't drop any hints about "I have something I need to tell you." Just have a nice dinner, get him home, then sit him down and tell him with as little preamble as possible, then give him time to process. If he's silent, you'll feel the need to fill the silence with more information... don't. Just tell him the facts and give him some silent time, if he needs it, to gather his thoughts and emotions.

[redcub.livejournal.com]

Congrats on making a tough decision. I hope it works out the best for you as it possibly can.

I want you to think about somethings, like; "I want him to think I'm a good son. I don't want to disappoint him."

Its been pretty obvious that you have been busting your ass to become a good man. You cannot control what your father thinks of that. Hopefully he has respect for you, and will continue to do so after you come out, but the truth of it is that you ARE a good son. You are such a good son that lying to your parents about your sexuality is no longer an option.

Embrace that thought. You are no less a person for having come out - quite the opposite. Sadly, many parents try to shame us "back into the closet."

"Yes, I know I'm risking Mom knowing - depends on what Dad decides to do once he knows" Chances are he will tell her, even if he says something like, "Don't tell your mother." Not that you don't have enough on your plate, but give a moment to prepare for that, too.

Your sister's advice about not pushing him for a reaction is excellent. Having been that route before I will tell you up front that it is nerve-wracking to wait it out. Double Bonus points for having brought your sister into this before you went to Dad. He might call your sister to get her take on your situation. After you talk to Dad, give Sis a call and let her know how it went.

...And get back here and let us know too! We're rooting for you!

[profundojoe.livejournal.com]

First off, I should say that I've never disagreed with any advice from Redcub (see post above), and this time, I agree all the more.

Secondly, how dare you take my coming out day! I was planning on coming out to my parents on Easter Sunday since this past Sunday! Rude!

Seriously, I wish you all the best. Our parents have to love us. Have they met us? We'll be fine. Life will go on after Sunday, we're just asking if our parents want to be a part of it. If not, their lives will be diminished, not ours. People that don't want to be part of your life are poison. Good Luck!!! *HUGS*

[explosivo.livejournal.com]

I just realized that I will be in Houston for Easter Sunday... probably not a good Ripcord day, eh? Hmmmmmmm....

*(southFM and Blue October on Saturday night! WOO HOO.)

oh, hi, sorry... was just linking to your LJ via a comment in someone else's LJ. These things happen.

OY! (can a Mexican say that?)

[ilorsodirettore.livejournal.com]

Well, I started to say something here, but it got long because I can't shut the hell up, so I put it on my page ilorsodirettore

At any rate, congradulations and kudos on your decision. You are truly brave, and regardless of the outcome, it will be for the best.

[scottbear2000.livejournal.com]

"If you asked me a few years ago, if I cared about my father's favor I would have lied and said no, I don't. That's not true today. I want to have a relationship with him. I want him to think I'm a good son. I don't want to disappoint him. For a while, it seemed like that's all I was doing, being a fuck-up and all, but recently, things have turned around, I've become more of my own man, and he's noticed and approved."

Make sure you mention this stuff to him when you come out. I think it'll help! Good luck - coming out is very awkward and scary. My parents made it easy for me: THEY brought it up in conversation and flat-out asked me. My attitude at the time was, "when they're ready to ask the question, they'll be ready to hear the answer". My coming out turned out to be very positive, and I'm glad I did it. But it's different with everyone. If he knows you well enough, then he'll already know and probably won't be surprised.... -hugs!

Coming Out to Dad

[alphaschnitz.livejournal.com]

good luck!

Dunno if its of any value, I expected my mother to be very caring and supportive and my father & brother to reject me when I came out to them. In reality, it was exactly the reverse.

My mother was judgemental and said some hurtful things. My brother was very supportive, and my father was unphased, like he'd known it all along.

Once again, good luck!

[fargonrob.livejournal.com]

Scarry time, no?

Yea. Your putting a lot on the line to be who you are all the time. But it's not going to change much. Your still gonna be you, it's just the vision of who you are in their eyes is gonna shift a bit.

Lot's of good advice, but I have one more bit.

Don't do it on a holiday. They come every year, they will remind him every year, he will recall it every year on that day.

While it's a very symbolic day to come out, Easter, if you can wait a week and take him out to lunch then, you may be doing him and favor.

One last note. Its not going to be what you think, it's not going to go as you planned. It's going to be what happens.

and you will be better for it.

Re: ARMED??

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

A letter is an interesting idea, but I generally see them every couple of weeks. That would be awkward for all of us.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Ahh, but my Dad is also a Concealed Carry instructor. He knows the loopholes, and has stated on more than one occasion that most signs used by restaurants are not legal. I don't think they'll stop him.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks Jerry, I don't think he will, either, but like I said, I tend to hone right in on the worst case...

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I've been editing and omitting several things lately, and I hate doing it. For better or worse, I'd rather be honest. Thanks!

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping that will be the case. My father's exposure to homosexuality is not a positive one. (Think OZ) I hope I'll change that, but I'm not going to force him to go to P-FLAG meetings or anything. Still he gets a lot of news, info and opinions from right-wing talk radio (Gay agenda anyone?), so I'm already up against a lot.

Still, It needs to happen. It's time.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I totally understand that conversation. Not so much Biblical, but the jist is there. I don't think I'll have a harness sent to the 'rent's house, but there you go.

Here's to having your positive life with your husband!

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I'm seriously thinking about this. You may be right, but there aren't a lot of safe places, in my thoughts. Home can be awkward for a few reasons, including my Mother being around (I'll get back to that later from my later post). I was kind of wondering if we went to a sitdown establishment, having waiters and other patrons around would make the whole thing a bit strange.

Thanks!

[xanaducub.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I don't think the harness thing was the best way to come out. I would not suggest it to anyone.

On the other hand, my parents do love Jeff very much. He is like the son they never had. I doubt that Jeff fits any of the gay stereotypes that they had feared when I came out, this is a good thing.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this, Alan. I understand that I'm not being a bad son for telling him, but I guess I'm trying to steel myself for the loss of trust and favor. I'm anticipating I won't get a huge response from him right away. Dad falls into that "John Wayne" mentality when it comes to showing emotion.

Actually, I coordinated with my sister to make sure that she would be around (via the phone) in case dad wanted to talk to her. I have been thinking about this a while. I think Mom might get mixed up in the whole thing before it's all over.

I don't want to sound like I'm using the situation for LJ fodder, but yes, I'll be chronicling what happens. So far, this has been a good forum for advice and support.

Thanks!

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Yep, Alan seems to hit it on the head.

Actually, I've been in the thinking and re-thinking stages of this for some time. I know they say not to do this on a holiday, but I don't think our family really puts any special relevance into Easter anymore. It seems to work for me.

Joey, I hope both of our experiences are positive ones. I'm thinking that you have more at stake with your relationship and all. But we both want to share our lives with our parents...all of our lives, and they will have to deal with what that means. Yes, the ball is in their court. For me, this just means that I want to live my life, not run and hide from it, a giant step for me, and it only took 35 years to do it.

Here's to you, good luck and many *Hugs*!

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Alright...Thanks for stopping by!

Are you headed for the Bunnies on the Bayou party?

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I may escape with only a flesh wound! :-)

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

I have been hoping that Dad would give me some clue if he knew or suspected, but Dad's a stoic one. I so agree that it would help that I could gage their state of readiness...some sort of color coded alert system or something. Still, I feel it's the right time for me, and that is driving me right now.

I'll remember to mention how important he is in my life, and let him decide.

Thanks Scott!

Re: Coming Out to Dad

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm expecting something different from my mother. She's very unworldly, and naive. She believes anything that Talk Radio dishes out to her. I'm expecting neither of them to be supportive. I'm hoping for unphased, and not too disappointed. We'll see.

Thanks for your thoughts and support. Are you still coming to Houston in May?

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Well, Easter isn't a big deal for us, but I understand your thoughts. I've heard that Holidays are poor times for big revelations. Easter wasn't chosen for it's significance, just because the puzzle pieces come together well on that day.

I also understand that it will not go as scripted, so I am trying to avoid creating that script in my mind...still, I always over-analyze every bit of my life, and this is no different. We'll see what becomes of it. Yes, I'm very scarred. I've come close to telling him a couple of times, and chickened out.

To Quote Elton John, "I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no, no, no, I'm a Rocket Man!"

Thanks Rob!

[explosivo.livejournal.com]

i have no idea what that is *(Bunnies/Bayou party) -- I am coming in to see SouthFM and Blue October tomorrow night at Fitzgeralds. Sunday I am not doing anything. Not sure what I am gonna be in the mood for, but if something fun is happening that I might be inclined to do, post it here... I'll have my laptop :)

Re:

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Well, one of my co-workers has been working hard on the event. One of those endless party/funraiser things. happening Downtown on Sunday afternoon. See www.bunnies.org for a few more details. I haven't decided on going, since I had planned other things, but you never know.

Say hi if you get bored - just email me at my livejournal address and we'll see what's up.

I don't know anything about South FM, but Blue October is a good group. Have fun at the show!

[explosivo.livejournal.com]

I signed SouthFM and their album is coming out next month. The single, "Dear Claudia" is getting some late night play in Houston on The Buzz.

Blue October's new album is my favorite album of the year so far... of course, I had a couple of month head start, as the managers are the same managers as SouthFM's :)

[explosivo.livejournal.com]

ok, i just looked at bunnies.org... that is SO NOT ME ;) I'll go to the Ripcord and take my chances ;) (*good pool tables.)

Re: Coming Out to Dad

[alphaschnitz.livejournal.com]

I still haven't been able to secure reasonable air-fare. Right now the cheapest I can find is $330. While I can probably afford it, I still balk at spending that much for airfare alone (plus run registration & hotel) for just a weekend trip.

As of right now, it's not looking promising that I'll be able to make it. :(

True story

[garebear.livejournal.com]

Congratulations. I hope things go well. If "sin" is a "sin," then not being honest with your parents about who you are is a lie...and that is a sin. If your parents love you now and can't accept you after, then they must not have loved you in the first place. They love you for who you are and you are gay.

Although we don't really know each other, through LJ, I've seen you grow tremendously...you're becoming a better man--and that usually comes with a better life. I feel proud to "know" you.

My friend Radmar...straight Radmar was very religious (Catholic). One day, my partner and I met Radmar and his girlfriend, Jennifer, in Las Vegas for breakfast...they were a bit late, Radmar had to find a church to pray in before coming to breakfast. Radmar eventually broke up with Jennifer, but dated other women. He also had a room mate, an effeminate, yet straight physics/math professor who performed in musical theater during his off hours. Radmar and his room mate were occasionally seen in gay clubs and such, yet they were both straight. One day the straight room mates had to "break up." The other room mate decided to move in with another room mate.

Radmar made the decision to join a Jesuit monastery. After weeks of self-study he had to admit that he was a "homosexual." The monastery admitted that many of the men there were homosexual, and I thought to myself, "What a surprise!"

The problem was, before entering the monastery, Radmar would have to explain to his friends and family the truth about who he was. The friends were easy; most of them were theater, many of them were gay, and we all had a clue... BUT his parents were bible thumping immigrants living in Indiana. Radmar flew to Indiana to tell his parents what was happening.

I don't think Radmar told his parents immediately, but when he was alone with his mother, he told her. "Mom, I'm planning to join a Jesuit monastery and part of joining is to be honest with you about who I am before I can enter. I'm gay." His mother replied, "Do you think I'm stupid or something? Go talk to your father."

Radmar went to his father and told him the same thing he had told his mom. The father had a completely different reaction. He listened quietly and thought for a moment then started with, "WHAT? HOW CAN THAT BE! NO! You can't. You can't! You are doing so well. You had those movies. You had a TV series. If you join the monastery you will never have a good career. You are doing so well, you are making a good living." Radmar quipped back, "DAD, I'M GAY!" His dad responded, "Do you think I'm stupid? What about your future!" Radmar joined the monastery.

Sometimes parents know...or at least suspect. You've seen Sordid Lives.

Whatever the results, know that you are a better man. Big *HUGS* Again congratulations on your growth and your courage and conviction to be who you are.