Fathers and Sons

[eggwards]

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Yes, I'm wearing Green, so you can't pinch me. Neener!

I went out with the parental units last night to finish off the weekend. I also took the laundry so I could get the wash and dry for free. The fluff and fold was all me, though.

I was surprised that Dad and I actually connected for a minute. It shocked me. Normally Dad's incredibly reserved. He follows his father's trait of being reserved, composed and utterly emotionless. I don't know whether he's trying to connect, or he was just tired after having worked a night shift, and then going out to train the other Sheriff's officers how to pass their weapons tests.

Yep, Dad's a jailer, gun repairman, Republican, Limbaugh listening kind of guy. He's also college educated, and one of the wisest people I know, so don't be too hard on him. I'm the family liberal, and I'm still pretty conservative.

He knows that I've had a hard time at work lately, and he was nice enough to be concerned. It was surprising. Not that I don't think he cares, it's just rare that he would actually make mention of it and sit by me and listen. He does that more with Laura, but their bond is different.

Note: Well, I've gotten to a point where I've got to say something I haven't put into this journal. I'm not out to my parents. I'm sure you didn't see that as a surprise, but still...

I'm already of my mind that Mom never needs to know. She may find out, but I'm not going to be the one to tell here. She's on the tenterhooks of sanity as it is, and I just don't want to deal with her getting this revelation. I won't be the one to tell.

Dad, though. Dad's made some many comments that shows that he thinks homosexuality is wrong. For not being very religious, he can sure use his old Episcopalian teachings to condemn it. Did I mention he's conservative?

This frightens me.

Still, I'm tired of lying. Or at least lying through omission. Other things are happening in my life, and I can't say anything about it. I haven't been able to relate stories about lostncove, oakleycub, mattycub, or even cristalskye, or all of the other people I've been meeting here. I haven't even mentioned LJ, though all of my friends know about it.

Last night, at Red Lobster, after the talk about how stressful work has been was over, the conversation pretty much stopped. (Mom was there, so it wasn't going any further anyway, but I digress) There was nothing more to talk about. My life, for them, ends there.

I clearly remember counting the ice cubes in the glass. Pondering when, and how I'll tell Dad.

And what the fall out is going to be.

I'm thinking I'll need to get anything else I want out of the house. It's good to finally be able to be independent of the parents, but I may not be able to go back. My family's pretty small as it is, and Laura is the only one I've come out to. I hate to lean on her, but she's going to have to help with Dad here.

He may have already figured it out, but there's going to be denial, and disappointment, and anger. I guess I'm expecting the worst, and it's scaring me.

How much longer can I count ice cubes?

Comments

[xanaducub.livejournal.com]

My comming out was a big mess. I wish you luck.

[badjahsensei.livejournal.com]

I came out to myself in September 1991. I lost my virginity in November 1991.

By April 1992, I decided I was ready to come out to my folks. They divorced in 1980, so my tasks were doubled.

I was always a momma's boy. She was always there to support me, and was always there for me. I figured I could tell her last, since she'd accept me. My father and I always had an adversarial relationship as I was growing up. I wanted to tell him first, since he had the greatest potential for backlash.

They surprised me.

I waited until I was in the airport, at the boarding gate, to tell me father. When they opened boarding, I came out. Five minutes later, I was on the plane. That's a decision I've always regretted--not taking the time to be more thorough and give him some time to talk it over.

My mother lost it. I never had a chance to come out. Tallahassee had no porn shops. No way to get porn. No way to get sex toys. So when I went to Michigan, I stocked up and brought them back to college with me. Mom rifled my luggage. She saw the porn and toys. I was sent packing within 24 hours--thrown out of the house.

The moral of the story? Don't over/under-estimate your parents. They have the power and ability to surprise you.

If you say that your father sort of knows, he may have already gone through those early phases of grief--denial, anger and what not.

I know it's not necessarily uplifting or enlightening, but it's another perspective on the issue. If you want to chat, I'll be around AIM/ICQ tonight...

Hmmm.

[barak.livejournal.com]

If you think your parental figures don't know.... You're probably going to be surprised - I think the 'rents usually know.

[alphaschnitz.livejournal.com]

I wish I could offer brilliant words of advice, but I can't.

Why can't you talk about lostncove, mattycub, etc.?

"I went up to Dallas to hang out with my friend Matty..." Heterosexual males are friends with other heterosexual males. I don't see how that will out you... Hell, they'd probably be happy to hear you talk about a woman (crystalskye).