![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
.38 Special
Aug. 10th, 2005 10:12 pmAlright, a week since my birthday. I don't mean to keep going on about it, but I've been thinking about getting something down for a couple of weeks, and I'm finally getting around to it. I'll shut up about it after this.
Thirty-Seven seemed like it was going to be such a big year for me, what with the big 37 big a favorite number of mine, both a number that director Kevin Smith holds sacred and the number that my favorite baseball player wore years ago. 37 instead turned out to be a year of smaller growths and little change in the status quo.
Some of the places that I was really hoping for change were in location and job, and yet I'm still in Houston, working for a shrinking company. Now I have to say, in Houston I have a nice apartment and my friendships with Kip and Jerry have been growing, which have been great. Still, getting out further has been hampered by my own fears, and the bear group isn't quite the fraternity I was hoping it would be. Perhaps I'm just not allowing myself to be social enough?
It's funny how a bar setting can make me go from at ease to totally uncomfortable in just mere seconds. My fear of the unknown seems to be heightened in a few areas, and one of them is people - the other is food, and Chris will attest as he's finding out just how far my aversion to trying something new really goes. Give me a new challenge at work, and if you let me take the lead, I'm all for it, but changes in my personal life come at much slower paces. I guess the couple of years prior were more the aberration, me bursting out of a shell, rather than me being the guy of constant change.
As for the job, the only change is that it keeps shifting, different expectations, different standards, different bosses, but in the same place. Reps keep leaving, but management stays the same. It's nice to hear from my new boss that my team still thinks I'm great, especially when the most recent employee survey gave some very poor scores to management. He's been talking to each of them to see what they do, and now he's wanting to reinvent the wheel once again, so I'm going to have to figure out where to say yes, and where to push back telling him we have other priorities, and where we have already tried, but failed. I guess it's always tough putting a natural cynic with an idealist.
My health over the year turned for the worse as I has gained more weight early on, and ended up messing up a disk or two in my lower back that seems like it's going to be an ongoing problem. I also had to cut down on a drug that was supposed to be cutting my appetite, but also seemed to throw my head into the clouds. Still, for the last few months I've been doing better, losing a little weight here and there that I know I could do better if I would concentrate on exercising more.
I'm still staving off the grey hairs, except in my beard, where they seem to be coming in in patches, little by little. My Dad's 64 now and even his hair hasn't gone completely grey, so I think I'm in luck there.
Of course I was thinking I didn't travel much over the last year, but still there were significant events, like ACL and another trip to Tucson and then to Baltimore. I guess it didn't seem as significant because it was more trip to reconnect with people, rather than breaking new ground. It's not a bad thing. Heck, what's really enjoyable is seeing people I enjoy being with again and again, so that's a reason why I'm going back to ACL next month.
Probably the biggest lessons to be learned were relationship lessons. I had to learn how better to work in a relationship with another person. Really, it seems like a elementary thing, but it is about learning when to assert and put away your motivations and desires at the right time in the give and take with your partner. It's different than it is with a friend. Personally, I've always been a little passive when it comes to friends, even passive-aggressive, and that's bad enough with friends, but it really gets annoying to both parties in a relationship. It takes trust and communication and all of those other crazy Dr. Phil things. Certainly this year I was put to the test, but by the end I learned more about me, and my jealousies than I ever thought I would. I also learned a lot about Chris, including learning how to read some of the little signs that he doesn't always say.
So what didn't I learn? How to be bold, how to take risks. This is nothing new. I guess I still haven't learned how not to worry about things I can't control, or how to let go. I'm still too worried about what others think of me, which ends up making me at least weird, if not a lot harder to get to know. I have gotten better about being myself with my friends, but I still feel as if I was onstage as a character with others who pass through my life.
Still, I've been much more comfortable and sure of my voice when it comes to issues and politics, including discussing fairly big topics with my parents where we find ourselves in opposition. It will be interesting to see if I can sway them to vote "No" for the upcoming Texas Marriage Amendment.
So, what does 38 bring? Another chance to get close to the ones I love, hopefully both emotionally and physically. More travel to new places. Hopefully the chance to expand and use my skills in a new job, just how much of a risk am I willing to take? More than I've been willing to so far?
All in al, 37 wasn't bad, but there's certainly the potential for more, and to be able to live life more fully. It's a matter of motivation and drive. Will I find it this year? Who knows.
Thirty-Seven seemed like it was going to be such a big year for me, what with the big 37 big a favorite number of mine, both a number that director Kevin Smith holds sacred and the number that my favorite baseball player wore years ago. 37 instead turned out to be a year of smaller growths and little change in the status quo.
Some of the places that I was really hoping for change were in location and job, and yet I'm still in Houston, working for a shrinking company. Now I have to say, in Houston I have a nice apartment and my friendships with Kip and Jerry have been growing, which have been great. Still, getting out further has been hampered by my own fears, and the bear group isn't quite the fraternity I was hoping it would be. Perhaps I'm just not allowing myself to be social enough?
It's funny how a bar setting can make me go from at ease to totally uncomfortable in just mere seconds. My fear of the unknown seems to be heightened in a few areas, and one of them is people - the other is food, and Chris will attest as he's finding out just how far my aversion to trying something new really goes. Give me a new challenge at work, and if you let me take the lead, I'm all for it, but changes in my personal life come at much slower paces. I guess the couple of years prior were more the aberration, me bursting out of a shell, rather than me being the guy of constant change.
As for the job, the only change is that it keeps shifting, different expectations, different standards, different bosses, but in the same place. Reps keep leaving, but management stays the same. It's nice to hear from my new boss that my team still thinks I'm great, especially when the most recent employee survey gave some very poor scores to management. He's been talking to each of them to see what they do, and now he's wanting to reinvent the wheel once again, so I'm going to have to figure out where to say yes, and where to push back telling him we have other priorities, and where we have already tried, but failed. I guess it's always tough putting a natural cynic with an idealist.
My health over the year turned for the worse as I has gained more weight early on, and ended up messing up a disk or two in my lower back that seems like it's going to be an ongoing problem. I also had to cut down on a drug that was supposed to be cutting my appetite, but also seemed to throw my head into the clouds. Still, for the last few months I've been doing better, losing a little weight here and there that I know I could do better if I would concentrate on exercising more.
I'm still staving off the grey hairs, except in my beard, where they seem to be coming in in patches, little by little. My Dad's 64 now and even his hair hasn't gone completely grey, so I think I'm in luck there.
Of course I was thinking I didn't travel much over the last year, but still there were significant events, like ACL and another trip to Tucson and then to Baltimore. I guess it didn't seem as significant because it was more trip to reconnect with people, rather than breaking new ground. It's not a bad thing. Heck, what's really enjoyable is seeing people I enjoy being with again and again, so that's a reason why I'm going back to ACL next month.
Probably the biggest lessons to be learned were relationship lessons. I had to learn how better to work in a relationship with another person. Really, it seems like a elementary thing, but it is about learning when to assert and put away your motivations and desires at the right time in the give and take with your partner. It's different than it is with a friend. Personally, I've always been a little passive when it comes to friends, even passive-aggressive, and that's bad enough with friends, but it really gets annoying to both parties in a relationship. It takes trust and communication and all of those other crazy Dr. Phil things. Certainly this year I was put to the test, but by the end I learned more about me, and my jealousies than I ever thought I would. I also learned a lot about Chris, including learning how to read some of the little signs that he doesn't always say.
So what didn't I learn? How to be bold, how to take risks. This is nothing new. I guess I still haven't learned how not to worry about things I can't control, or how to let go. I'm still too worried about what others think of me, which ends up making me at least weird, if not a lot harder to get to know. I have gotten better about being myself with my friends, but I still feel as if I was onstage as a character with others who pass through my life.
Still, I've been much more comfortable and sure of my voice when it comes to issues and politics, including discussing fairly big topics with my parents where we find ourselves in opposition. It will be interesting to see if I can sway them to vote "No" for the upcoming Texas Marriage Amendment.
So, what does 38 bring? Another chance to get close to the ones I love, hopefully both emotionally and physically. More travel to new places. Hopefully the chance to expand and use my skills in a new job, just how much of a risk am I willing to take? More than I've been willing to so far?
All in al, 37 wasn't bad, but there's certainly the potential for more, and to be able to live life more fully. It's a matter of motivation and drive. Will I find it this year? Who knows.
