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Once You Wound, Always Say "Thanks!"
Sep. 8th, 2004 11:53 pmThe new work schedule is throwing everything off. It's just getting there thirty minutes earlier, but it means getting up earlier (no easy feat) and dealing with different traffic patterns and all. It messes up my morning writing time!
Bill (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blakes_7) asked "If a person isn't able to take a compliment, (you know, acts modest or downplays what they did or are) what does that tell you about the person? How do you respond to it?"
Well, unfortunately I can't help him, because I'm one of those people who do that. To give me a compliment usually gets a reaction that turns the complement around. Sometimes the reaction can be as simple as an "Aww, Shucks." followed by shuffling of feet and kicking of some invisible cans. Sometimes it's a flat-out refusal to accept what you say. I've noticed a negative reaction to this, so I try not to vocalize it too much, but you might catch it in my eyes. Knowing the negative reaction it can get, I do try to throw in a "Thanks" or something.
Let's look at a typical situation...Say someone complements me on my belly. Since I don't think favorably of my gut, thinking that it should be about half of the size it is now, I'm not going to respond well to this. I'm sorry about that. You obviously appreciate a quality that I'm unhappy with, but hey, Thank you. (Oh yeah, that worked)
So I just shot down that person, because I don't like myself, at least not when it comes to my gut. (you can see a picture from Skye, if you click here, I'm on the left) (damn, links never work when you want them too - try THIS)
OK, now say you complement me on my eyes, which I'm at least neutral on, if not always happy with. Interactions, in worsening order, depending on mood, could be a) thanks, b) they're nothing special, or c) dammit, I need Lasik. Still, not really acknowledging the complement well, is it.
So maybe I'm being at my worst at this late hour, but you get the idea. Call me cynical.
I guess it comes from a long term battle with self-esteem. I know several of us have been there. Even if someone likes us, we still have to roll to disbelieve it. I don't know why that is. If I did, it's something we could overcome, and be more accepting of who we are, and probably treat those we love with more respect.
I know that this has come up with Chris and I. I need reassurance, but when your natural reaction is to negate the complement, how does that show your partner that you appreciate them, and how do they believe you when you complement them? I remember wondering how Chris, or anyone could love me because of the shit I pull at times, and someone corrected me. He said that I wasn't respecting them to be able to make up their own minds, and have their own feelings when I tried to impose my shame onto their feelings for me.
It was a good lesson, and I'm trying to learn, not only that I can be loved, but that I should appreciate those who would give me a complement. It's not something that happens every day in this rather cold, impersonal world.
I'll have to say, this is part of the bears thing for me, though. Certainly there are more positive feelings here, than say the straight community, or worse, the lines of twinks outside of South Beach sweating away on a hot Houston night. There's something to be said about a group, that yeah, seems to have more and more attention paid to the more muscular ones, but still grew out of an idea that being overweight, hairy and older could be just as interesting as any other role. You can be post bear all you want, but you must admit that bears at least gave you something before the silliness took hold. maybe your not always supposed to stay at home.
Don't forget, the next generation of kids, wether they be 18 or 48, will still need their safe havens, and if the bear community can at least give them that, then it's for the better good.
Well, to wrap this up before I go too astray, what it tells you is that there's someone in there who hasn't quite figured it out. They don't always see the beauty in themselves, and yes, they may fish for a complement or two, just to make sure you're serious. I'd hope you'd be patient with those who will eventually learn, and will let you in. If they never seem to move forward...never can accept themselves...then they'll never be able to love back, I guess.
Let's all hope we grow and learn.
Bill (
blakes_7) asked "If a person isn't able to take a compliment, (you know, acts modest or downplays what they did or are) what does that tell you about the person? How do you respond to it?"Well, unfortunately I can't help him, because I'm one of those people who do that. To give me a compliment usually gets a reaction that turns the complement around. Sometimes the reaction can be as simple as an "Aww, Shucks." followed by shuffling of feet and kicking of some invisible cans. Sometimes it's a flat-out refusal to accept what you say. I've noticed a negative reaction to this, so I try not to vocalize it too much, but you might catch it in my eyes. Knowing the negative reaction it can get, I do try to throw in a "Thanks" or something.
Let's look at a typical situation...Say someone complements me on my belly. Since I don't think favorably of my gut, thinking that it should be about half of the size it is now, I'm not going to respond well to this. I'm sorry about that. You obviously appreciate a quality that I'm unhappy with, but hey, Thank you. (Oh yeah, that worked)
So I just shot down that person, because I don't like myself, at least not when it comes to my gut. (you can see a picture from Skye, if you click here, I'm on the left) (damn, links never work when you want them too - try THIS)
OK, now say you complement me on my eyes, which I'm at least neutral on, if not always happy with. Interactions, in worsening order, depending on mood, could be a) thanks, b) they're nothing special, or c) dammit, I need Lasik. Still, not really acknowledging the complement well, is it.
So maybe I'm being at my worst at this late hour, but you get the idea. Call me cynical.
I guess it comes from a long term battle with self-esteem. I know several of us have been there. Even if someone likes us, we still have to roll to disbelieve it. I don't know why that is. If I did, it's something we could overcome, and be more accepting of who we are, and probably treat those we love with more respect.
I know that this has come up with Chris and I. I need reassurance, but when your natural reaction is to negate the complement, how does that show your partner that you appreciate them, and how do they believe you when you complement them? I remember wondering how Chris, or anyone could love me because of the shit I pull at times, and someone corrected me. He said that I wasn't respecting them to be able to make up their own minds, and have their own feelings when I tried to impose my shame onto their feelings for me.
It was a good lesson, and I'm trying to learn, not only that I can be loved, but that I should appreciate those who would give me a complement. It's not something that happens every day in this rather cold, impersonal world.
I'll have to say, this is part of the bears thing for me, though. Certainly there are more positive feelings here, than say the straight community, or worse, the lines of twinks outside of South Beach sweating away on a hot Houston night. There's something to be said about a group, that yeah, seems to have more and more attention paid to the more muscular ones, but still grew out of an idea that being overweight, hairy and older could be just as interesting as any other role. You can be post bear all you want, but you must admit that bears at least gave you something before the silliness took hold. maybe your not always supposed to stay at home.
Don't forget, the next generation of kids, wether they be 18 or 48, will still need their safe havens, and if the bear community can at least give them that, then it's for the better good.
Well, to wrap this up before I go too astray, what it tells you is that there's someone in there who hasn't quite figured it out. They don't always see the beauty in themselves, and yes, they may fish for a complement or two, just to make sure you're serious. I'd hope you'd be patient with those who will eventually learn, and will let you in. If they never seem to move forward...never can accept themselves...then they'll never be able to love back, I guess.
Let's all hope we grow and learn.
