Once You Wound, Always Say "Thanks!"

[eggwards]

The new work schedule is throwing everything off. It's just getting there thirty minutes earlier, but it means getting up earlier (no easy feat) and dealing with different traffic patterns and all. It messes up my morning writing time!

Bill (blakes_7) asked "If a person isn't able to take a compliment, (you know, acts modest or downplays what they did or are) what does that tell you about the person? How do you respond to it?"

Well, unfortunately I can't help him, because I'm one of those people who do that. To give me a compliment usually gets a reaction that turns the complement around. Sometimes the reaction can be as simple as an "Aww, Shucks." followed by shuffling of feet and kicking of some invisible cans. Sometimes it's a flat-out refusal to accept what you say. I've noticed a negative reaction to this, so I try not to vocalize it too much, but you might catch it in my eyes. Knowing the negative reaction it can get, I do try to throw in a "Thanks" or something.

Let's look at a typical situation...Say someone complements me on my belly. Since I don't think favorably of my gut, thinking that it should be about half of the size it is now, I'm not going to respond well to this. I'm sorry about that. You obviously appreciate a quality that I'm unhappy with, but hey, Thank you. (Oh yeah, that worked)

So I just shot down that person, because I don't like myself, at least not when it comes to my gut. (you can see a picture from Skye, if you click here, I'm on the left) (damn, links never work when you want them too - try THIS)

OK, now say you complement me on my eyes, which I'm at least neutral on, if not always happy with. Interactions, in worsening order, depending on mood, could be a) thanks, b) they're nothing special, or c) dammit, I need Lasik. Still, not really acknowledging the complement well, is it.

So maybe I'm being at my worst at this late hour, but you get the idea. Call me cynical.

I guess it comes from a long term battle with self-esteem. I know several of us have been there. Even if someone likes us, we still have to roll to disbelieve it. I don't know why that is. If I did, it's something we could overcome, and be more accepting of who we are, and probably treat those we love with more respect.

I know that this has come up with Chris and I. I need reassurance, but when your natural reaction is to negate the complement, how does that show your partner that you appreciate them, and how do they believe you when you complement them? I remember wondering how Chris, or anyone could love me because of the shit I pull at times, and someone corrected me. He said that I wasn't respecting them to be able to make up their own minds, and have their own feelings when I tried to impose my shame onto their feelings for me.

It was a good lesson, and I'm trying to learn, not only that I can be loved, but that I should appreciate those who would give me a complement. It's not something that happens every day in this rather cold, impersonal world.

I'll have to say, this is part of the bears thing for me, though. Certainly there are more positive feelings here, than say the straight community, or worse, the lines of twinks outside of South Beach sweating away on a hot Houston night. There's something to be said about a group, that yeah, seems to have more and more attention paid to the more muscular ones, but still grew out of an idea that being overweight, hairy and older could be just as interesting as any other role. You can be post bear all you want, but you must admit that bears at least gave you something before the silliness took hold. maybe your not always supposed to stay at home.

Don't forget, the next generation of kids, wether they be 18 or 48, will still need their safe havens, and if the bear community can at least give them that, then it's for the better good.

Well, to wrap this up before I go too astray, what it tells you is that there's someone in there who hasn't quite figured it out. They don't always see the beauty in themselves, and yes, they may fish for a complement or two, just to make sure you're serious. I'd hope you'd be patient with those who will eventually learn, and will let you in. If they never seem to move forward...never can accept themselves...then they'll never be able to love back, I guess.

Let's all hope we grow and learn.

Comments

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

I'm one of those people, too, that can't take a compliment at all without somehow downplaying, so reading this is much like reading something I wrote about, then later forgot I'd ever written. Even down to the part about the bear movement (believe it or not, the place where I'd gotten any kind of acceptance and any kind of a notion that I might actually be concieved as attractive was thanks to bears).

ahem

[bearpawly.livejournal.com]

Have I mentioned the eyes?

Re: ahem

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Have I mentioned that I need a laser jammed down them?

Heh.

Re: ahem

[oakleycub.livejournal.com]

They don't jam the laser in. They give you a bunch of valium then gently hold your eyes open with strange devices, ala Clockwork Orange, and delicately place suction cups on your eyes. They they cut open your cornea ever so gently and pull it back so they can massage the laser light into the lens of your eye.

Then they throw the flaps back down and send you home.

Re: ahem

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

Well described. One other thing - if you can find a doctor who uses the IntraLASIK machine, they don't use a blade to cut the cornea, but a hot laser. So you don't even have to worry about the blade. :)

Use this link to find a doctor with Intralase:

http://www.intralasik.com/patient/finddoc/index.php

Re: ahem

[oakleycub.livejournal.com]

My doctor offered intralasik but I was too cheap to pay the extra when everything I learned about it indicated the advantages to the final results are negligible for many people. I have none of the star bursts or coronas some people get after lasik but I can see where intralasik could be advantageous to someone more prone to scarring.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

A wise man once told me that when somebody gives you a compliment the first thing you should do is to thank them. It's served me well.

[fauxbear.livejournal.com]

Hear hear! To do anything else but accept the compliment gracefully is flat out disrepectful of the person giving the praise. I can feel anyway I want about myself, but to "tell" my friends that their caring for me is unimportant or trivial? Well, that's just plain wrong.

[oakleycub.livejournal.com]

But what is accepting the comment gracefully? I still see saying "Thank you, but I can improve" as being graceful, plus it opens up continuing the conversation. Others might see that as discounting the compliment. Is saying anything more than the words "thank you" or "I appreciate that" rude?

[fauxbear.livejournal.com]

In my opinion, and it's only my opinion, to say, "Thank you, but..." is still telling the complimenter that their viewpoint is askew. I will concede that I'm not Miss Manners here and that I've pooh-poohed my share of compliments, but what I've learned is that my friends see things in me that I cannot see. If I feel a unworthy of a compliment, I will still thank my friend for their kindness. Separately, I might tell them that where they have found cause for praise, I have found cause for work -- but that their support of me is significant and meaningful.

[furrbear.livejournal.com]

(you can see a picture from Skye, if you click here, I'm on the left)

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You don't have permission to access /s/image16/9/45/76/185394576YBUgWl_ph.jpg on this server.

I used to have similar issues when I weighed 300 lbs. I still feel I need to lose the last 30 lbs to get back to ~205-210. If someone compliments me on my size, I just say "Thank you" and try to steer the conversation away from me as a topic.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Try this...
http://community.webshots.com/photo/185393937/185394576YBUgWl

[eskiebear.livejournal.com]

Having only seen your face, I can only comment on that. Very good looking.
As the rest of you, I can only relate to how my partner feels. He wants to cut down the inches of his belly and he's got my support. The true fact is that I love him for him, whether he loses weight or not.
So, for now..."You're really cute. Anyone to have you as a BF is pretty lucky."
Hugs

[timbr35.livejournal.com]

I feel I am one of those types as well, always found it hard to take let alone believe a compliment for the longest time. But around here of late I must admit I still say thanks. At other times I will confess that I am all that and a bag of chips then say something like I still dont know everything just most everything. It sorta helps build your own confidence level in yourself.

[bigbearok.livejournal.com]

Compliments make me extremly uncomfortable. But for me, it has to do with the way that I was raised. I was constantly told never to believe compliments, that people who compliment you "just want something".

I've learned that statement is both true and false over the years. I've learned to discern when someone is being genuine with their praise, and to just say "thank you." I've also learned when people are being false and when they are indeed complimenting me just because they want something. For that I've learned, "Thank you, but I'm not interested."

I'm still learning the bit where they are complimenting me and what they "want" is my body. :) I'm okay with that.