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Scaredy Cat
Aug. 24th, 2003 01:21 pmHappy belated birthday to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
drmrdave and a happy birthday to Roger (aadroma)
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Last night I was invited to Jerome's birthday party last night. normally i would detail everything about it, but in this case, I dressed up for it, got to his street, didn't initially know which townhouse it was, and then freaked.
I don't know what it was, but something in me was just screaming at me not to get out of the car. Something just telling me that I wasn't going to be comfortable in that party and I shouldn't go. It is the same anxiety that i get around gay bars. something in me just isn't brave enough to even make it to the door.
Yes, Jerome is one of the out co-workers, and is Greg and Kurt who would also be there. I certainly don't run in the same social circles as they do. They've been talking lately about heading to Austin for Labor Day for some big circuit party thing. I just haven't dealt with them much on the social scale. I went to a New Years party that Jerome had (with his now ex) and felt totally stupid being the only bearish guy amongst the twinks.
This was to be a smaller party, just some friends, a couple of them I have met, then they would go to Rich's to dance away the night. Dancing actually sounded good (despite the huge crowd Rich's gets on the weekend). I just couldn't see myself enjoying the party. I know that if Chris could have been there, I would have had a better time. I hate to say that I could have used him as a security blanket, but he knows I've done it before.
I'm still unable to move through the community. I don't know how to do it. Things still cause me concern and frighten me. I keep getting mad at myself for not being a grown-up. for not being able to put aside fears and feelings and be an adult about things. I was happy about the invite to Jerome's party. I got ready, and dressed for the occasion, but somewhere along the drive it became something else. it seemed like a test that I hadn't studied for. I saw it in a light I didn't like. There was just this numbing paralysis that wouldn't allow me to get out of that car, despite parking. Despite turing the car off. the neighborhood was nice, there was just a scaredy cat outside who wouldn't come in.
I hung around a parking lot nearby for about half an hour, trying to get over the feeling and prepare myself for the party. I couldn't do it. Something made me drive away, and drive all of the way to Pearland (about 25 miles away). Just driving, I had no other plans. I tried to clear my mind and move on. I called John on the phone and had one of the most addled, non-drunk conversations ever. I'm sure I left him baffled but I didn't want to put my troubles on him.
I caught up with John and Dawn once I was already in town, and made a lie that I just happened to be in Pearland-for something. We had some dinner and updated each other on the state of our lives. I left way to late to catch up with the birthday party, which was alright with me.
I'll just have to make something up on Monday when they ask me why I didn't come to the party. I guess I was sick.
drmrdave and a happy birthday to Roger (aadroma)-------------------------
Last night I was invited to Jerome's birthday party last night. normally i would detail everything about it, but in this case, I dressed up for it, got to his street, didn't initially know which townhouse it was, and then freaked.
I don't know what it was, but something in me was just screaming at me not to get out of the car. Something just telling me that I wasn't going to be comfortable in that party and I shouldn't go. It is the same anxiety that i get around gay bars. something in me just isn't brave enough to even make it to the door.
Yes, Jerome is one of the out co-workers, and is Greg and Kurt who would also be there. I certainly don't run in the same social circles as they do. They've been talking lately about heading to Austin for Labor Day for some big circuit party thing. I just haven't dealt with them much on the social scale. I went to a New Years party that Jerome had (with his now ex) and felt totally stupid being the only bearish guy amongst the twinks.
This was to be a smaller party, just some friends, a couple of them I have met, then they would go to Rich's to dance away the night. Dancing actually sounded good (despite the huge crowd Rich's gets on the weekend). I just couldn't see myself enjoying the party. I know that if Chris could have been there, I would have had a better time. I hate to say that I could have used him as a security blanket, but he knows I've done it before.
I'm still unable to move through the community. I don't know how to do it. Things still cause me concern and frighten me. I keep getting mad at myself for not being a grown-up. for not being able to put aside fears and feelings and be an adult about things. I was happy about the invite to Jerome's party. I got ready, and dressed for the occasion, but somewhere along the drive it became something else. it seemed like a test that I hadn't studied for. I saw it in a light I didn't like. There was just this numbing paralysis that wouldn't allow me to get out of that car, despite parking. Despite turing the car off. the neighborhood was nice, there was just a scaredy cat outside who wouldn't come in.
I hung around a parking lot nearby for about half an hour, trying to get over the feeling and prepare myself for the party. I couldn't do it. Something made me drive away, and drive all of the way to Pearland (about 25 miles away). Just driving, I had no other plans. I tried to clear my mind and move on. I called John on the phone and had one of the most addled, non-drunk conversations ever. I'm sure I left him baffled but I didn't want to put my troubles on him.
I caught up with John and Dawn once I was already in town, and made a lie that I just happened to be in Pearland-for something. We had some dinner and updated each other on the state of our lives. I left way to late to catch up with the birthday party, which was alright with me.
I'll just have to make something up on Monday when they ask me why I didn't come to the party. I guess I was sick.
