Sing if your proud...

Well, LiveJournal was crapping out this morning, and I didn't get to post this. i've been re-thinking it all day, but I think I'll post it as I wrote it this morning...but I may have changed a little teeny bit of my thinking...


PoppaBear's uberdaddybearassignment (you know, it seems weird saying that since we are the same age, I should just say Nick) was to write about pride...what is pride? Gay Pride? Pride in one's self?

The funny thing is that pride is listed as one of the 7 deadly sins. Now I know, it's different, having pride in a job well done is different than being boastful or arrogant. I'm going to chalk that one up to a problem with translation. Pride comes in many different levels, from satisfaction to boorish behavior.

So what am I proud about? Am I proud of my job? Yes and No. I could do a better job. It's true, I don't always take pride in my work, at least not lately. I do have enough self worth not to put in a shitty product. I may not be giving work my best, but I'm not doing nothing, I'm handling my job, adequately.

On the flip side, do I think that the company takes pride in it's employees? No. This would have been very different a couple of years ago. Now with layoffs and the clamping down of expenses and raises I really see that they view us as resources, not people. There's a big difference. Resources are instantly interchangeable and are used, not valued. People must be valued, and rewarded. This I'm not seeing.

Am I proud of my station in life? Again, yes and no. I'd rather be doing something else. I'm a procrastinator, and sometimes I just go with the flow when there could be greater gains by doing something more adventurous...I guess this holds true with anything in my life. I have to stop missing opportunities and take more chances in life.

I am proud that I'm living my life much more independently. I'm actually making enough that I can live on my own without having to ask for help from the parents. This was a long time coming. I blew out my credit a long time ago, and have just in the last couple of years gotten it repaired. I do need to watch the financial situation so I don't end up being back in trouble, though.

Proud of myself? Hmm. I could always be better. Healthier, more active, more outgoing. I still see more opportunities for growth and development than I see actual good. I've got a rather crappy self-image. Not defeatist, like I can't do anything about it, and not depressing. I'm fairly well adjusted, I just tend to see my flaws more than my positives. Pessimistic by nature, I suppose.

I'm excited by the fact that others find me interesting. Sometimes even sexy (how about that?). It's still a very new feeling, but I'm enjoying it. It's starting to have some positive effects in my life right now (and no, this isn't a call for people to post that I look good). I've never really thought of myself in that was. I guess that in this society it's becoming more and more acceptable to push off overweight people, tell them that they are ugly and that they have a problem...whether they do or not. body image is so driven by the majority's ideals of thing and shapely that us bigger boys have a lot of baggage that one may have to get through.

Anyone who's met me can probably attest that if I get a complement, I usually blush and respond with a thanks, but trust me, it does take a while for it to sink in if you really do think I look good. I'm not being an asshole about it, I just have been led to think that you can't be talking about me, you must be looking at someone else. I'm not proud of my looks.

This bears further discussion, later.

Alright, the crux of Nick's writing assignment, are you proud to be gay? (there's a pause in my writing here, this one I hadn't really thought about) I'm going to say no, right now. Your probably thinking that I'm ashamed, or terrified...hell, I just came out to the community, so maybe I haven't worked out all of my issues, etc. It's not that. Let me explain.

I'm not ashamed that I like/love men. I'm not ashamed that I'm in a minority - one that I don't totally understand, true. I'm not ashamed of our community, though I do have some questions and concerns about it. I'm not ashamed of my naivete, though I do get awfully concerned that I'm out of my league in many situations I find myself in. I'm not ashamed or upset about being gay. This is actually progress. Ask me that 5 years ago, and the answer would have been different.

I am gay. No more, no less. I've come to accept the fact, and I appreciate that I am different, I am anything but ordinary (that's something to be proud of). I have a lot of living and learning to do, and I am proud that I have taken several bold steps towards being a happier and better person. Many, many more to go.

Here's the thing, I'm not any more prideful of being gay than not. I am who I am, and it's a part that makes up the whole package. I'm proud of where the community has gone. I revel in a society that seems to be more and more accepting...certainly not all of it, but a majority. I'm proud of the bold people who have gone before me, and have put themselves on the line so that I may enjoy the freedoms and the ability to be out that I have. I'm proud to be a positive role model for my straight friends.

I'm proud to be me, though I'm not always proud about all of the parts that it takes to be me.

Am I proud to be gay? Neither proud nor ashamed. I just am.