Are you experienced?

I was chatting with someone the other evening. It was a good chat with someone from LJ on AIM (via iChat for the Mac). I was commenting on somethings going on in his life. I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to going to TRBU in a few months and trying something new.

Things took a turn for the interesting and the innuendo was flying and it finally came down to a chat about what I'd like to do to him when, one day, we meet (or so I hope!). My descriptions were getting fun and all referential. I guess I write like a geeky Dennis Miller at times. I'm not sure if it's really sexy or not, but I was trying my best.

I ran my course and wanted him to tell me what he's going to do to me, and since he wasn't in a place where he could write everything he wanted to (work), I was trying to fill in some blanks. Then he came to a point where I haven't gone before. Really, it's still in the realm of vanilla, but I haven't done it, nor had anyone do it to me. A little more difficult to fill in those blanks.

I was honest about it, told him that he would be Christopher Columbus if he went there (or maybe Lief Erickson - who was probably hunkier anyway) - and that wouldn't be a bad thing. We kept chatting, and I enjoyed it. I was loosening up, but there was still one thought (besides the horniness) that lingered.

Disclaimer - it's all me, there was nothing that he did to make me feel this way, it's my own fear, but I felt bad that I had never had that experience. I feel that I'm behind. That there's lessons I already should know, that there's experiences, both sexually and not that I should have had, that there's community information that I'm sorely lacking.

Call me a late-bloomer. Always have been. My friends were always younger, I was always immature - but sought out by friends for opinions and comfort. Strangely enough, when I needed help and comfort, they were trying, but usually they couldn't, due to experience.

About all of my friends are straight, and I wouldn't change them for the world. They are accepting (mostly) and loving. I'm out to everyone of them and have been for longer than I'd say I was truly out to myself. Just try that one! I've made the mistake of coming on to a couple of them, and it caused problems and was just damned stupid on my part. I was trying to learn something, but not knowing really how to go about it. That they could forgive me speaks to their character.

The problem is that I can play it safe with them. I have the friendships. I stay in their regular world. Things are safe. I know what its like there. But there's no one for me there. I'm just the world's greatest third wheel.

So now I'm trying to change things - but my level of inertia seems to grow. I'm introverted and shy. I'm also critical and defensive. Heading out to a bar is going to make me want to curl up and turn negative. I can deal with small groups, and individuals, but like Jerome's party the other night crowds make me want to run.

So I want to meet up with this guy. I want to go to do so many other things. I want to find new friendships and possibly loves...but I have to be strong enough to do it. I've been glad for the feedback this forum gives - it helps bolster my defenses and it's very nice to hear that someone finds me sexy!

Now I don't plan on becoming a total whore to try to gain all of this experience overnight. I've just resigned myself to being behind, but hell, I don't need to stay this far behind! It's going to be a challenge.

So barring any other special excitement in the next few months, TRBU is going to be either exhilarating or extremely nerve-wracking!