I Have To Apologize
Oct. 20th, 2004 11:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsStrange mood tonight. Chris (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
oakleycub) is in a plane heading for Bear Bust in Orlando. I'm here in Houston, as usual, and can't afford to go. Of corse Chris is staying with friends, so I didn't have a place to be, even if I could go, but it's still the factor of not going, and once again not being with him.
Also, the Astros lost, setting up a crucial game seven tomorrow night. This game, that went 14 innings had my stomach in knots, I can't imagine what tomorrow night is going to be like.
(oh, and a bearded Johnny Damon is awfully cute)
Still, I'm doing OK. tonight. I guess I'm trying to weigh my options for the weekend so i won't be cocooned, unhappy at the house, but I haven't come up with anything.
The other night, the ever observant Joey (profundojoe), asked me this:
You're so apologetic for your feelings! You're so convinced that everything you do is wrong. How come? Why is it bad to be horny? Why is it bad to like to wear things you like to wear? Own your feelings, don't avoid them.
You know, I saw some journal entries from last year, and I seem so much more confident, more secure in my feelings. Sure, some of the underlying self-confidence issues were there, but I find myself self-censoring more, and more worried how I would come off in this forum, more-so than in the past. I'm not sure if it's the larger audience, or the feeling that what I was thinking was starting to be different from what went on before.
I started in this place looking for answers to questions. Who was I? How did I fit in this community -if there's a community at all? What did it mean to be gay, and what was it to be a bear? I don't have all of those answers now, but I've come a long way and I've settled in. I've blogged about my experiences, my travels, my likes and dislikes, and even my relationship, to some degree. I've gotten more political and perhaps less creative.
I guess for a while I could chalk up some things to a newbie sense of, "oh, I don't know what I'm doing". Now I think I'm getting more concerned of the perceptions of others. It's not that this hasn't happened before. This is a regular pattern in my life. I think I've been on an incredible streak of bravery over the last two years, and now I'm settling back into the familiar troubling self consciousness.
I guess there's still a sense of prudishness in me that still rings this little bell at times. Would my parents approve of this? What would my friends (the ones pre-LJ) think? I have a hard time talking about things. Hmm, I guess I don't tell my parents about the three-way I was in the night before. i know, I don't need to tell them, and lord knows, they really don't want to know, but it makes me a little unsure about the actions I've taken.
I started to tell Hans about Chris' trip to Bear Bust, and I know we've talked about bear runs before, but I know his reaction was somewhat disapproving when I talked frankly about TBRU. He's read my posts when I've been more forthcoming that I have had sex with others, and I feel the sort of social disapproval mixed with envy of a married, monogamous man.
While you know that there's swingers and wife swappers and deviancy in the straight world, it's only an undercurrent , masked by fear, damnation and talk of being moral and decent. The continuing clamp down in this country on sex and discovery only works if people feel guilty about having the thoughts, let alone taking the actions.
So, sex and being horny. Yes, I enjoy it, yes, I get horny easily and actually wish I had sex more often, but I feel like expressing that gets me judged as being a bad person. When I say i did something about it, I feel even more odd. I do have to say that I don't regret any sexual experience I've had, but I do have a hard time talking about them.
Being horny is a selfish thing, you know. Sure, you can get yourself off, and believe me, I do, but I've found in the last two years, once you've gotten out there, sometimes nothing but getting with another man will do. So you have to find someone else who will help you with your selfish pursuit. Now, it's true, you're likely to be helping them with something as well, unless you're a complete dick, but come on, you wanted to do it for you, didn't you?
I guess i worry a lot that I'll be seen as selfish, as and ass, or as a poser. I've always wanted to project that I'm a good guy, that I'm a worth while person to be with, so I often try to repress certain feelings and desires. Rather than saying no, or asking for something outright, I'm silent now, and full of regret later. I know it frustrates Chris.
The thing is, I've lost friends by being too forward, or hanging around too much, or following like a lovesick puppy, so I try to counter against this by putting away selfish things, but I can't seem to find the balance where I don't seem like a burden, but I'm not feeling like I've left myself out of a good thing. Or take myself out of a situation I'm uncomfortable with. Too many times I've stayed, just to find that others weren't enjoying themselves either.
There's something about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling lately, it's driving a depression that seems to create this feeling of loss and despair. I'm finding out that it's rather common, and I've had it for much of my life. I guess that it has just taken a small hiatus for a while.
Am I seeking help? Yes. Sadly the company benefits for seeing a therapist/councilor is much harder to navigate than any of the other benefits, but I'm starting to think some council would be helpful - someone who doesn't know me. I'll admit I'm scared to even admit that, because people, like myself, tend to look down on those who end up in therapy. I was brought up to think it was a weakness.
So what about the clothing thing? Why would I question buying a jacket because it's "too bear drag"? I guess I fear being labeled a poser, a fool. I keep looking at leather harness and chaps, and after the expense, I keep thinking, "I can't wear that, because someone would come up to me and tell me I'm not a leatherman." I'm afraid to say much about liking leather, but not necessarily the BDSM lifestyle (there is something about a little light bondage that I might want to try sometime, but that's for another post). Why invite the problem when you don't have to...oh, that's so silly, you wearing (name odd garment here). I've taken steps, kilts, singlets, but in each I felt awkward. Maybe that's not me, and I just need to be more of who I am.
The thing is, I'm still discovering who I am, sometimes I'm bold, sometimes I'm scared to leave the house. I'm a control freak who's biggest control job is on himself, and even that's not quite working. Is it wrong to want everything to be perfect? It's the ultimate selfish desire, isn't it. I guess it's OK if you can learn to accept that it isn't going to be.
I don't own my feelings because I don't like what they say about me. I apologize because I want you to like me.
oakleycub) is in a plane heading for Bear Bust in Orlando. I'm here in Houston, as usual, and can't afford to go. Of corse Chris is staying with friends, so I didn't have a place to be, even if I could go, but it's still the factor of not going, and once again not being with him. Also, the Astros lost, setting up a crucial game seven tomorrow night. This game, that went 14 innings had my stomach in knots, I can't imagine what tomorrow night is going to be like.
(oh, and a bearded Johnny Damon is awfully cute)
Still, I'm doing OK. tonight. I guess I'm trying to weigh my options for the weekend so i won't be cocooned, unhappy at the house, but I haven't come up with anything.
The other night, the ever observant Joey (
profundojoe), asked me this:You're so apologetic for your feelings! You're so convinced that everything you do is wrong. How come? Why is it bad to be horny? Why is it bad to like to wear things you like to wear? Own your feelings, don't avoid them.
You know, I saw some journal entries from last year, and I seem so much more confident, more secure in my feelings. Sure, some of the underlying self-confidence issues were there, but I find myself self-censoring more, and more worried how I would come off in this forum, more-so than in the past. I'm not sure if it's the larger audience, or the feeling that what I was thinking was starting to be different from what went on before.
I started in this place looking for answers to questions. Who was I? How did I fit in this community -if there's a community at all? What did it mean to be gay, and what was it to be a bear? I don't have all of those answers now, but I've come a long way and I've settled in. I've blogged about my experiences, my travels, my likes and dislikes, and even my relationship, to some degree. I've gotten more political and perhaps less creative.
I guess for a while I could chalk up some things to a newbie sense of, "oh, I don't know what I'm doing". Now I think I'm getting more concerned of the perceptions of others. It's not that this hasn't happened before. This is a regular pattern in my life. I think I've been on an incredible streak of bravery over the last two years, and now I'm settling back into the familiar troubling self consciousness.
I guess there's still a sense of prudishness in me that still rings this little bell at times. Would my parents approve of this? What would my friends (the ones pre-LJ) think? I have a hard time talking about things. Hmm, I guess I don't tell my parents about the three-way I was in the night before. i know, I don't need to tell them, and lord knows, they really don't want to know, but it makes me a little unsure about the actions I've taken.
I started to tell Hans about Chris' trip to Bear Bust, and I know we've talked about bear runs before, but I know his reaction was somewhat disapproving when I talked frankly about TBRU. He's read my posts when I've been more forthcoming that I have had sex with others, and I feel the sort of social disapproval mixed with envy of a married, monogamous man.
While you know that there's swingers and wife swappers and deviancy in the straight world, it's only an undercurrent , masked by fear, damnation and talk of being moral and decent. The continuing clamp down in this country on sex and discovery only works if people feel guilty about having the thoughts, let alone taking the actions.
So, sex and being horny. Yes, I enjoy it, yes, I get horny easily and actually wish I had sex more often, but I feel like expressing that gets me judged as being a bad person. When I say i did something about it, I feel even more odd. I do have to say that I don't regret any sexual experience I've had, but I do have a hard time talking about them.
Being horny is a selfish thing, you know. Sure, you can get yourself off, and believe me, I do, but I've found in the last two years, once you've gotten out there, sometimes nothing but getting with another man will do. So you have to find someone else who will help you with your selfish pursuit. Now, it's true, you're likely to be helping them with something as well, unless you're a complete dick, but come on, you wanted to do it for you, didn't you?
I guess i worry a lot that I'll be seen as selfish, as and ass, or as a poser. I've always wanted to project that I'm a good guy, that I'm a worth while person to be with, so I often try to repress certain feelings and desires. Rather than saying no, or asking for something outright, I'm silent now, and full of regret later. I know it frustrates Chris.
The thing is, I've lost friends by being too forward, or hanging around too much, or following like a lovesick puppy, so I try to counter against this by putting away selfish things, but I can't seem to find the balance where I don't seem like a burden, but I'm not feeling like I've left myself out of a good thing. Or take myself out of a situation I'm uncomfortable with. Too many times I've stayed, just to find that others weren't enjoying themselves either.
There's something about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling lately, it's driving a depression that seems to create this feeling of loss and despair. I'm finding out that it's rather common, and I've had it for much of my life. I guess that it has just taken a small hiatus for a while.
Am I seeking help? Yes. Sadly the company benefits for seeing a therapist/councilor is much harder to navigate than any of the other benefits, but I'm starting to think some council would be helpful - someone who doesn't know me. I'll admit I'm scared to even admit that, because people, like myself, tend to look down on those who end up in therapy. I was brought up to think it was a weakness.
So what about the clothing thing? Why would I question buying a jacket because it's "too bear drag"? I guess I fear being labeled a poser, a fool. I keep looking at leather harness and chaps, and after the expense, I keep thinking, "I can't wear that, because someone would come up to me and tell me I'm not a leatherman." I'm afraid to say much about liking leather, but not necessarily the BDSM lifestyle (there is something about a little light bondage that I might want to try sometime, but that's for another post). Why invite the problem when you don't have to...oh, that's so silly, you wearing (name odd garment here). I've taken steps, kilts, singlets, but in each I felt awkward. Maybe that's not me, and I just need to be more of who I am.
The thing is, I'm still discovering who I am, sometimes I'm bold, sometimes I'm scared to leave the house. I'm a control freak who's biggest control job is on himself, and even that's not quite working. Is it wrong to want everything to be perfect? It's the ultimate selfish desire, isn't it. I guess it's OK if you can learn to accept that it isn't going to be.
I don't own my feelings because I don't like what they say about me. I apologize because I want you to like me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
your an interesting guy
Date: 2004-10-20 09:34 pm (UTC)As for worrying about buying something to beary, I say fuck it. If you like it then buy it. Its funny because I think the cloths that I wear seems somewhat 'bearish' but I was wearing the same cloths before I was even out. I don't try to dress the part, its just natural.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-20 09:59 pm (UTC)As for the horniness and the acting upon it. Do what feels right to you not what others may say. People will always talk and judge you either way.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-10-20 10:03 pm (UTC)I've always been awkward myself... trying to find myself. Sometimes not being truthful to others; even worse, not being honest with myself.
But I've always worked to be honest in my journal, except when I might hurt someone else who might be reading. And so I write the darndest things... things that horrify me, but it's the truth, it's my journal and I have to ignore what others might think of me.
That philosphy comes from a phrase I got out of
So I'm a fat, fugly, small dicked, aging, slant eyed, boring, cock-sucking fag... so hate me, but that's who I am and I'm proud of that.
You've got a lot going for you... and you should be proud of yourself and who you are. Take chances, don't worry if people like you. Give them the chance to know the real you once your find him.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-20 11:12 pm (UTC)The straight world doesn't have married couples "swinging" much because one partner can get pissed and then has proof to get a divorce and half of everything. Judges don't even care if both sides did it because one can claim they were coerced into it.
The gay world doesn't have marriage, so we have to deal with the REAL relationship... As such, we tend to seperate sex and love. We recognize that while we can have sex with anyone, loving someone is completely different.
The straight world uses marriage as a way to force couples to stay faithful and together. And see how well it works? Over 50% of marriages end in divorce.
I'm sure if there wasn't the same roadblocks for straight couples, the swingers would be MUCH more plentiful.
As for being upfront and honest... it's how you are. If people don't like it, that's THEIR problem.
Now, having said that, there's a difference between open with one's feelings and open with one's thoughts. Being open on your feelings is great to do. Being open with one's thoughts CAN cause problems.
Many a bear/cub/whatever have a problem with saying something wrong to someone that if they'd thought about it first, wouldn't have said originally. It's like walking up to me and going "You look like you've put on weight!" and then trying to cover it up "But, it looks good on you." (Meanwhile, the daggers coming from my eyes turn into poison-tipped spears.)
I haven't been around you enough to say what type you are, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Lastly... bear drag. Who cares? If you like the jacket and will use it, great! If you are buying it to impress other bears or to "fit in", it'll show that YOU don't like it and thus won't impress anyone.
It's like people who will only buy Levi 501's and won't get a pair of Wrangler jeans. Who cares? Just because there's buttons instead of a zipper? :p It just means that you can't go commando in winter. *shrug*
On the clothing issue
Date: 2004-10-20 11:44 pm (UTC)btw, I definitely think you'd look great in a kilt.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 04:11 am (UTC)As far as your sex life, that's no one's business, not even anyone on LJ. If you choose to share something about it, then great. If someone judges you, fuck em. As if everyone on LJ is an angel.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 06:30 am (UTC)As for what you said in this post, The biggest things that I have learned about LJ... It's your journal. No one has the right to comment on your life. It's for your thoughts, your feelings. If that does not fit them, to bad. Click to the next post.
I have had lots of the same feelings you expressed in your post. I still do. Almost every day. But what gets me through and thinking that life is worth it all, is the fact that I have friends and family that love me. I can be just one or two but they are worth every ounce that is them!
One thing that your post shows to me is that you are very self aware. You are taking a look at things in your life and looking at them. So many people tuck it in the back pocket of life and ignor it. well that ain't going to help. I paid a shrink a lot of money to have her just confirm what I already know about myself. And it sounds like you already know about you. It was well worth the money I spent to have an unbiase person tell me I am not completly fucked in the head! :) And if you are thinking about it... it's worth it! And I have a great lady that is closer to your place than to mine! :) LOL
For the little that we have know each other, I can say your someone that I would like to get to know more. And to me thats a lot! There are so many people that we encounter in life that we let slip by because they don't peak our intrests, but thats life!
Big hugs to you, and if you ever want a sounding board or someone to just pal around with.... baby we only live 15 min from each other! :)
BIG HUGS and have a great day! :)
envy@goofycubb.com
no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 07:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 12:26 pm (UTC)You've got my number... give me a call buddy!