eggwards | Acceptance: The Not-So-Naked Truth

I said a while back that last weekend seemed to be a running dialogue about acceptance. Accepting myself, accepting differences, accepting others, accepting my limitations and boundaries, and accepting others opinions of me.

I know, that's a lot of angst for a weekend, but I promise, there was no life or death problems, but there was plenty of chances to learn, grow. In my second adolescence, sometimes I learn, sometimes I don't.

The weekend started Friday when Chris has to wake up for work. Since I had to travel to south Arlington to visit my doctor, I sort of woke up at the same time, and didn't fall back to sleep. I drove in a light rain and made it to the doc's office on time. After filling out the paperwork, I was called, and off we went for a blood pressure check (yes, my blood pressure's a little high) and off to weigh.

I asked the nurse if the reading was right, but there it was, spelled out in LCD numbers. It was 20 pounds more than I was a year ago, and I guess about 40 pounds more than I thought I was. I'm not sure if it was a delusion or what, but I did think that the pants were getting tight again. My doctor was nice enough to not be disappointed, as i was, and he was looking for new suggestions to try to help me. you can tell that I'm embarrassed about this, since I'm not going to tell you exactly what my weight is.

This is were I feel I should have taken more personal action, walking, riding, working out. I think I've put too much faith in my doctor's chemical try to get my weight down, and not in trying to actually change my behaviors and take control of my health. It's not that my doc didn't recommend this before...the pills are supposed to help with, not replace a healthier lifestyle, so I feel that my lazy attitude has only hurt myself. This will need to change over the next year. I lost weight the year before, but now have backpedaled.

My doc also noticed that my knees "click". One thing that stops me from walking all the time is that my legs do get tired. I've been thinking that it was more just fatigue and the weight, but surprise, knees aren't supposed to click when you bend them. Doc, knowing I was just up there for the weekend, was able to get me a MRI appointment that afternoon, several miles south in Mansfield. After grabbing lunch with Chris, I took some time by walking a mall...and tiring out my knees. Probably not the best thing to do before the MRI.

I had been given the wrong idea about MRI's. Too many television shows give you the impression that it's one pass. This was about 50 minutes per knee, and was mind-numbingly boring. The very loud noise that comes from the machine is throbbing, seems to go through you...and isn't really kept at bay by the earplugs they give you. I was there in my hospital gown, trying to relax, glad that I didn't have to go all the way in. I'm not usually claustrophobic, but big guys in small spaces... I tried to concentrate on shane Hammond, naked - to get me through the time. We'll see what craziness the results of this will give me later on.

As I left the small suburban community of Mansfield, I was interested to see a small church with a what usually is either a quaint message or a tease for the upcoming message. It looked like the Sunday sermon was to be titled "Can Homosexuals Be Christian?" Since I wasn't going to be available on Sunday, I wanted to go in and see if I could be a Christian, but it was almost five o'clock and I'm sure they wanted to go home as well. I'm kind of sad that I might not be accepted at their little church on the prairie.

Chris and I went out for the evening when we found out, sadly that a family emergency had cancelled the show by the Punch Drunk comedy troupe. So we went out to the bars, and saw a whole bunch of people out at the Round Up. After checking out some of the other bars, and approaching midnight, we were tired, but we decided to stop by the Eagle. We saw Jeff and Joey - two guys who's pool parties we'd gone to before, and they were going to have yet another. We stopped to talk to Cameron for a bit, and mentioned that he was not invited to the Saturday night party. Jeff and Joey then told us that Cameron would not be welcome at their party. We didn't really solicit this information, and it kind of bugged both of us.

The Eagle is much brighter, and less lewd than it used to be. Some raids have changed it recently, but it still is probably the most touchy-feely of the bars. I'm not sure what makes it so. Chris and I got to talk, and yep, rub on a couple of hot bears and cubs there. People Chris knew. It was a nice, friendly mood that developed, making me glad we went there. We made a couple of connections and then Chris and I went back home.

Saturday:

This was pool party day. As most of you know, these seem to be crazy social situations. The afternoon party was being held by a couple of members of the Chorale, so I knew it would be a mixed crowd, and likely a sane one...so I would think. The night time party at Jeff and Joey's has been known for it's nudity, and occasional breakouts of sex. It's a much more charged atmosphere, and it seems, despite my libertarian attitudes, to make me very uncomfortable. It goes back to the weight issue. Jeff and Joey's parties tend to attract a lot of musclebears...and I'm way out of that league.

The daytime pool party, where yesterday's picture with Dan came from, started out well, and I even was convinced to jump in the pool - sans shirt. This is kind of a big deal, since it wasn't just a bear gathering. the TCC has all sorts of men, and the party had twinks, muscle boys and some girly men running around. Still, the bears took over the pool early, kind of keeping the others away. We talked, and flirted with Dan for a while, but Dan, as the new man in town, was obviously garnering a lot of attention.

The overcast skies had me quickly chattering, and I pulled out of the pool, and put my shirt back on. When the shirt went on, I shut down, and ran off to a high point to observe. Chris continued to mingle, which he's good at, and I'm not. He'd check on me periodically, introducing me to this person and that. One guy, brought by his new boyfriend talked to me for a bit, and we both agreed, when you date a TCC member, you date the whole chorale.

It surprised me when swimsuits stated coming off. What didn't surprise me was the first one to be "coerced" to do so was the flighty boy with the pornstar dick. It wasn't like it was hard, since his swimsuit was almost transparent. He needed more attention that afternoon that Paris hilton has needed all year. Still, it was an opening of the floodgates as other people disrobed. While there was something to being a voyeur, I obviously was having trouble with the freedom that many of the others seemed to be exhibiting.

Here's the thing...I'm not sure if it was the nudity, the sexuality being displayed, or the feeling that I couldn't bring myself to join in. I'm not sure if it's the large crowd, or the expectation that I don't look good, or I'll be asked to go further...getting past some boundaries I have. I'm already uncomfortable in crowds, but to add to that being nude in front of them...well, there's somewhere i don't want to go. Even my parents thought I was modest as a kid growing up...and I never had to do the whole PE lockerroom thing growing up. Being nude is a vulnerability to me, and I'm not one to show my self, emotionally or physically to a group like that.

Did I say I had gained 20 pounds over the last year?

Still, I managed to salvage somethings, having a couple of nice conversations, getting to know Dan a little better and even got back in the pool for a little bit. I still felt concerned that someone would try to pants me, as they had done with others, so I probably looked like a jerk, closed off and probably a little disapproving of others. I understand that my attitude can really work against me, creating tension and a worried boyfriend. Perhaps i should have asked Chris if we could have left earlier, but i always feel guilty for being selfish, and wanting to take him away from a place where he feels comfortable.

We went to feed Joey (the dog), dropped by one more time, and then headed out to Oak cliff to Jeff and Joey's. It was late already, so we almost skipped it, but I guess it's some sort of sad machismo that makes me go back...some sort of emotional flogging to try to survive a place that I'm out of place in.

We got there, and it was far less crowded than we thought it would be. We saw Clint there, and found that a large group had left a few minutes before, trying to catch the softball playing visitors to the city who were sure to be looking for hookups on their last night in town. While I didn't even plan on going swimming...not even wearing a swimsuit, I was happy to talk to Drew and Charlie for a while. Chris was finding plenty of attention, and even though Drew and charlie left, I left him to continue to talk to some other guys. Even though I was introduced earlier to Chris' admirers as his partner, i distinctly got the feeling that i wasn't really wanted, so I left them alone, and watched episodes of "Family Guy" with Clint.

I eventually got bored and went to see what was going on, and when I got there, once again I was felt unwelcome. not by Chris, but by the people around him. He I was, the big, overweight boyfriend here to take Chris away. What assholes. I felt really worthless. Here I was, playing the jealous boyfriend, obviously spoiling their evening.

Still, i did feel selfish. Chris tried to make me feel better, saying that they weren't that interesting, and that he should have left earlier, but just like at the earlier party, i felt like the bad guy, demanding that we go because I was out of sorts. Still, i was made to feel uncomfortable by the people at the party. I shouldn't allow that to happen so easily.

I know Chris felt a little uneasy too, thinking that the men at that party were all very shallow and vain. they were looking at him like a piece of meat, and i guess that was the prevailing attitude at the party for those who didn't go running off to meet the athletes. As we left, neither Jeff, nor Joey really said anything to us, and I heard one of Chris' admirers state that he felt really uncomfortable with me around. Funny, the feeling was mutual. I guess that Chris and I are now, along with Cameron, not going to be on the guest list.

Going home I felt ashamed of myself. For one, I didn't trust those guys. I trusted Chris, but I checked in not only out of boredom, but to see what they were doing, and to find if I could get some attention as well. I did get attention from the person most important, chris, but I know I wanted to be accepted by the pretty boys too.

The ride home was mostly me saying that I was stupid, pulling Chris away, making myself look like a fool. Chris tried to tell me that it wasn't so bad, and if they got the impression that I was jealous, or needy, well that was their problem. Still, it was the lack of acceptance that made me feel like dirt. I found it interesting that Clint, you got hit on twice, and still felt like that wasn't the right crowd. I didn't get hit on at all. Then again, with the prevailing attitudes in the place, i guess I should learn to lower my expectations.

It's interesting how even those who work so hard...working on their pecs and hair and all, can be just as unsure and self-absorbed as I can be sometimes. you'd think they'd have it all, but I tell you, I went home with Chris that night, and they didn't I should feel good about that, shouldn't I?

If I could only get past the feeling that I did something wrong, that I should be ashamed for breaking it up, that I was selfish to want to take Chris and go home. Bored because I wanted attention and wasn't finding it there. It started well, but all the feelings that I had from the last parties at Jeff and Joey's came back.

I'm done with that.

Sunday was much better, because it was just Chris and I for most of the day. By the end of the day we had started some deep discussions about the future, about what I would like to happen. I also spoke about my fears that I'll eventually say something, or do something wrong and I'll lose him. I don't know why I think things are so fragile when there's so much evidence that things are strong and growing stronger. Chris worried about the day I'll actually move in, and then our visits no longer have that sense of being a special time. We'll have to find some way to keep it special...whenever it happens, someday.

I need to learn to accept myself first. That I can, and will succeed, that I will reach my goals and make the move. that I can lose weight if I really want to, and that I don't need to be accepted, or loved or applauded by anyone else out there to make me worth something. i need to accept that i have health problems, ones that can be changed. I need to be able to accept that I can be loved, and I'm worthy of that love. I shouldn't question Chris' love, since he's given me no reason to do so.

It's been an interesting year so far. If last year was all about learning about the community and getting immersed, this year has been all about changing perceptions, gaining experience and learning who Michael Edwards really is, and accepting that little kid, deep inside.