High Anxiety...
Jan. 26th, 2003 02:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsI couldn't write about this last night. I was in too bad of shape, and no it has nothing to do with my laundry. I really had a full on anxiety attack, and in my own, quiet way tried to deal with it, and ended up feeling miserable. This is going to be long, and rambling, and despite some complaints that are sure to follow, it also involves Avril Lavigne in a guest role.
Without boring you to tears with the, my god, work sucks routine that's been going on in my journal for the last little while, by the time Friday night came around, I had been at work for (*counting*) over 80 hours since Sunday, and I knew I had to return for training on Saturday. I've seen more of my cubicle than I have of my apartment. I got rid of my reps, spoke to my boss, and was starting to get ready to get out. My reps were holding a happy our at a nearby bar for the birthday of one of the guys on the team. As I was finishing up, I just started feeling lower and lower. Not sick, just depressed.
I almost didn't go to the bar. I was really thinking about getting some dinner and shutting myself off at home. But, I knew that my presence was requested and expected, so I turned the old X-Terra towards the bar (The Velvet Melvin, on Richmond, if anyone's keeping score).
I got in the bar and things continued to get worse. There were many people from work there, but I couldn't seem to keep a conversation going with anyone. I would get out a couple of sentences, usually about work, and then clam up. I had nothing interesting to say and just felt bad. I'd watch people - usually a favorite past-time, but now I was just getting upset that people were talking and having conversations as I seemed to fade into a corner.
Actually, for a short while, I was in a corner. Drinking my Shiner Bock. I felt lonely and unwanted. Everyone else either had a partner, or at least someone to talk to. I tried to be sociable, and just couldn't.
Let me back up a bit, something I hadn't said, and maybe it's all from the lack of recreation and sleep this week, but the whole week I've really felt the problems of having little to no social life, that just magnified themselves at the end of the day Friday. I've been feeling extra lonely and I think I'm developing a crush on someone that's coming at exactly the wrong time. I really can't mention much about it right now, but It's just not right, right now, and it may never be right, so I've been struggling to make myself forget about it. It's a lot of wasted energy. I'm also scared to death to make a fool of myself by admitting the crush. More about that added problem in a moment.
Back to my corner. I did make it out, got another beer, and tried to settle into a SuperBowl conversation, but it didn't work. I clammed up and just watched, and kept sinking.
I started to think, as probably the only gay man in Houston who's never been to one gay bar in his own city (!), if I can't get along with people I know in a casual (read straight dive bar) setting, how am I going to face down a gay bar? I have been to a minor few, in other cities, like Montreal. For some reason, I guess being really anonymous gives me a little extra strength. Also the fact that I can run myself out of town. My knowledge of Houston's bars in clinical, from area publications. I keep thinking of going, but I can't raise the courage.
There's another part to this. I'm also very uncomfortable about just picking up - or being picked up for sex. It's a control issue, I'm sure, and I hate being out of control. I always have this expectation of at least getting to know someone, possibly even dating. Call me a romantic, or call me a fool, but I want to know who I'm going to land in bed with. I just have some old-fashioned conservative expectations of relationships. I won't judge others, and I won't go into a long slut vs. prude debate here, but I fall farther to the prudish side.
Is that resulting in lost opportunities? I guess. Is it causing some of my loneliness. Somewhat, but I think my own shyness and fears are taking care of that. I'm struggling to open up.
Back to the bar...oh wait, I just left. I snuck out and no-one ever noticed. I even talked to some of my reps on Saturday. I just disappeared, poof! Out the door.
I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped back in the car and went to McDonald's for dinner. I shut down and read. I'm still reading The Fountainhead, by Ann Rynd. It's a hard read, but I like some of her thoughts about being responsible for your own life, and working to reach your goals, no matter the cost. I'm not nearly so brave. I do take some of it to heart, you are responsible for your own happiness or unhappiness. Of course, it always seems to validate my policy for never asking for help and having a hard time with trust, which are very negative attributes.
I got back in the car, and I didn't want to go directly to my empty apartment. I've driven to clear my mind, and was hoping to do the same that night, so I headed towards Memorial Park. There were still a few joggers - even in 20 degree temperatures, they still jog - but I drove around the park loop. I couldn't stop thinking how lonely I was, how part of that is caused by my own stubborness/foolishness/fear, and about the crush. Why can't I seem to get out of this rut? Am I wrong to expect love will just drop by and surprise me at home? Why am I unable to take the steps to move on with my life?
I must stop letting work define me! Work's normally alright, but I bury myself in it too much.
So, to our guest star. I'm driving around, and I hear Avril's "I'm With You." It so hit's a nerve, no matter what you might think about the debate on whether she's real or another record-label production, and yes, her voice isn't polished, but the lyrics hit home. I won't waste your time with the whole song, but the part that strikes is this...
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
Yes, I sing in the car. And this time I was singing and crying. Bawling, if fact. I had to pull over. I was hoping that the joggers weren't looking. Besides, do you know how hard it is to sing that chorus when your crying and screaming it? Not pretty. All of the feeling, and the lost sleep and the anxiety and loneliness had come to a head, and on a damn cold night, indeed.
I sucked it up after the song was over, got the car going again, and drove home, still having answered any of my anxieties, but still needing that good cry just to get some stuff out of my system.
Still, I'm having problems dealing with the crush. I don't want to tell him. I'm already resigned to the fact that it's just a lark in my mind and nothing more. Just because I'm lonely and looking for something to latch on too. I don't want to interfere with what he's doing, and I haven't really gotten to know him that well. That's why it's a crush, of course. I've had crushes on many of my straight friends, and again, there it goes, down in flames. at least I'm aiming for the right team this time. A positive move, but still misplaced, for reasons I won't go into now.
I'm still left with the blues, but I'm much better tonight. A little extra rest with the day off on Sunday, and being around friends at the SuperBowl party will make the day better. (Go Bucs) I'm sure there will be more on these issues in further entries.
Please cue Mel Brooks...
Without boring you to tears with the, my god, work sucks routine that's been going on in my journal for the last little while, by the time Friday night came around, I had been at work for (*counting*) over 80 hours since Sunday, and I knew I had to return for training on Saturday. I've seen more of my cubicle than I have of my apartment. I got rid of my reps, spoke to my boss, and was starting to get ready to get out. My reps were holding a happy our at a nearby bar for the birthday of one of the guys on the team. As I was finishing up, I just started feeling lower and lower. Not sick, just depressed.
I almost didn't go to the bar. I was really thinking about getting some dinner and shutting myself off at home. But, I knew that my presence was requested and expected, so I turned the old X-Terra towards the bar (The Velvet Melvin, on Richmond, if anyone's keeping score).
I got in the bar and things continued to get worse. There were many people from work there, but I couldn't seem to keep a conversation going with anyone. I would get out a couple of sentences, usually about work, and then clam up. I had nothing interesting to say and just felt bad. I'd watch people - usually a favorite past-time, but now I was just getting upset that people were talking and having conversations as I seemed to fade into a corner.
Actually, for a short while, I was in a corner. Drinking my Shiner Bock. I felt lonely and unwanted. Everyone else either had a partner, or at least someone to talk to. I tried to be sociable, and just couldn't.
Let me back up a bit, something I hadn't said, and maybe it's all from the lack of recreation and sleep this week, but the whole week I've really felt the problems of having little to no social life, that just magnified themselves at the end of the day Friday. I've been feeling extra lonely and I think I'm developing a crush on someone that's coming at exactly the wrong time. I really can't mention much about it right now, but It's just not right, right now, and it may never be right, so I've been struggling to make myself forget about it. It's a lot of wasted energy. I'm also scared to death to make a fool of myself by admitting the crush. More about that added problem in a moment.
Back to my corner. I did make it out, got another beer, and tried to settle into a SuperBowl conversation, but it didn't work. I clammed up and just watched, and kept sinking.
I started to think, as probably the only gay man in Houston who's never been to one gay bar in his own city (!), if I can't get along with people I know in a casual (read straight dive bar) setting, how am I going to face down a gay bar? I have been to a minor few, in other cities, like Montreal. For some reason, I guess being really anonymous gives me a little extra strength. Also the fact that I can run myself out of town. My knowledge of Houston's bars in clinical, from area publications. I keep thinking of going, but I can't raise the courage.
There's another part to this. I'm also very uncomfortable about just picking up - or being picked up for sex. It's a control issue, I'm sure, and I hate being out of control. I always have this expectation of at least getting to know someone, possibly even dating. Call me a romantic, or call me a fool, but I want to know who I'm going to land in bed with. I just have some old-fashioned conservative expectations of relationships. I won't judge others, and I won't go into a long slut vs. prude debate here, but I fall farther to the prudish side.
Is that resulting in lost opportunities? I guess. Is it causing some of my loneliness. Somewhat, but I think my own shyness and fears are taking care of that. I'm struggling to open up.
Back to the bar...oh wait, I just left. I snuck out and no-one ever noticed. I even talked to some of my reps on Saturday. I just disappeared, poof! Out the door.
I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped back in the car and went to McDonald's for dinner. I shut down and read. I'm still reading The Fountainhead, by Ann Rynd. It's a hard read, but I like some of her thoughts about being responsible for your own life, and working to reach your goals, no matter the cost. I'm not nearly so brave. I do take some of it to heart, you are responsible for your own happiness or unhappiness. Of course, it always seems to validate my policy for never asking for help and having a hard time with trust, which are very negative attributes.
I got back in the car, and I didn't want to go directly to my empty apartment. I've driven to clear my mind, and was hoping to do the same that night, so I headed towards Memorial Park. There were still a few joggers - even in 20 degree temperatures, they still jog - but I drove around the park loop. I couldn't stop thinking how lonely I was, how part of that is caused by my own stubborness/foolishness/fear, and about the crush. Why can't I seem to get out of this rut? Am I wrong to expect love will just drop by and surprise me at home? Why am I unable to take the steps to move on with my life?
I must stop letting work define me! Work's normally alright, but I bury myself in it too much.
So, to our guest star. I'm driving around, and I hear Avril's "I'm With You." It so hit's a nerve, no matter what you might think about the debate on whether she's real or another record-label production, and yes, her voice isn't polished, but the lyrics hit home. I won't waste your time with the whole song, but the part that strikes is this...
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
Yes, I sing in the car. And this time I was singing and crying. Bawling, if fact. I had to pull over. I was hoping that the joggers weren't looking. Besides, do you know how hard it is to sing that chorus when your crying and screaming it? Not pretty. All of the feeling, and the lost sleep and the anxiety and loneliness had come to a head, and on a damn cold night, indeed.
I sucked it up after the song was over, got the car going again, and drove home, still having answered any of my anxieties, but still needing that good cry just to get some stuff out of my system.
Still, I'm having problems dealing with the crush. I don't want to tell him. I'm already resigned to the fact that it's just a lark in my mind and nothing more. Just because I'm lonely and looking for something to latch on too. I don't want to interfere with what he's doing, and I haven't really gotten to know him that well. That's why it's a crush, of course. I've had crushes on many of my straight friends, and again, there it goes, down in flames. at least I'm aiming for the right team this time. A positive move, but still misplaced, for reasons I won't go into now.
I'm still left with the blues, but I'm much better tonight. A little extra rest with the day off on Sunday, and being around friends at the SuperBowl party will make the day better. (Go Bucs) I'm sure there will be more on these issues in further entries.
Please cue Mel Brooks...
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-26 10:50 pm (UTC)More than you've ever wanted to read!
no subject
Date: 2003-01-27 10:37 pm (UTC)Thanks for your kind words!