Insta-Crush
Oct. 27th, 2005 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsTonight I went out to eat because I got out of work late and didn't have anything in the house that was quick to prepare. I decided to go somewhere new-ish, Bambolino's. It was formerly an attempt by local restaurant legend Nifa Lorenzo to branch out with a fast food pizza and pasta place after her mexican food success. Despite a good product, Houston isn't a pizza-by-the-slice town, and the franchises around town closed. Apparently someone has decided to resurrect the idea, except they decided to change it to a full fast food sit down restaurant instead of a Checkers style drive in.
As for Mama Ninfa, she died a few years ago, but she had already sold her stake in the restaurants, and the mexican food restaurants, some of the first to feature fajitas, have really fallen off.
But this isn't about the restaurant. I need to get on track.
The issue is that the waiter was hot. He was a slightly chunky Hispanic cub and I was focused like a laser on him from the moment I saw him. I have a habit of locking in on someone and in my mind that person is instantly dropped into the sexual fantasy column. I have him kissed, touched, and undressed in my head before you, and hopefully they, know it. Both during the ordering process and after when he delivered my food, I was looking for a sign, any sign that he might be into guys. After that, I could only hope that it would lead to the logical hope that he'd like bears, then big bears, and that I'd have a chance of dropping him into my bed.
Of course, you might guess that this didn't happen. He was pleasant, but functionary, taking my money, delivering the food, doing his job. There wasn't anything more than that, and I guess that's all I should realistically expect. Unfortunately, I tend to build these things up to where I develop a sense of loss and disappointment on something that was never there to begin with.
Is it over-active imagination, or is it my subconscious trying to urge me to be more daring? Probably a silly question in most situations like the one tonight where discretion is the better part of, well, not embarrassing yourself. Still, in more opportunistic times, like say a bear run, or a party filled with gay men, I wonder if my being somewhat timid about being...what word am I looking for here? sultry, seductive, available...wait, a whore! I end up just driving myself to frustration wondering what could be, or what my imagination wants - whether that's actually on the plate or not. A big part of the problem is continuing to ask "what if?" because I didn't follow my desires.
This isn't the first time I've been driven to a fantasy world by a waiter, or apple store employee or cop or anyone else that I might pass along the street, and in general the infatuation drops off quickly. At other times, usually with people who I'm more familiar with, or I might have an idea of their orientation and perhaps preferences, that may take on more of a life of it's own.
Another stumbling block is my own weakness, and that's simply not feeling good enough to be sexy enough for the ones I desire. Not that I actually know this, but I have over the years been spoon fed, and myself believed that I'm not sexy, and possibly not interesting. Something I know that a lot of bears have felt, and many still struggle with. I know that I'm not alone here.
Still, I'm worried that my "insta-crushes" kind of get in the way and aren't appropriate, even when the other person may not ever know about it. They've occasionally led to times of depression, where I feel not only sad, but disappointed, like I do now, that I thought about the possibility at all. Sometimes this has lasted for a few days, even though in the long range scheme of things there's nothing, no reason to fret. I have a good life, and there's no reason for the extra stress.
Still, I know it must change my body language and other only slightly perceptible signs when I get locked in. I'd hate to make someone uncomfortable because of my stare or my standard, everyday horniness.
Tonight I'll think about the pizza boy, tomorrow, who knows? I wonder if he'll know?
As for Mama Ninfa, she died a few years ago, but she had already sold her stake in the restaurants, and the mexican food restaurants, some of the first to feature fajitas, have really fallen off.
But this isn't about the restaurant. I need to get on track.
The issue is that the waiter was hot. He was a slightly chunky Hispanic cub and I was focused like a laser on him from the moment I saw him. I have a habit of locking in on someone and in my mind that person is instantly dropped into the sexual fantasy column. I have him kissed, touched, and undressed in my head before you, and hopefully they, know it. Both during the ordering process and after when he delivered my food, I was looking for a sign, any sign that he might be into guys. After that, I could only hope that it would lead to the logical hope that he'd like bears, then big bears, and that I'd have a chance of dropping him into my bed.
Of course, you might guess that this didn't happen. He was pleasant, but functionary, taking my money, delivering the food, doing his job. There wasn't anything more than that, and I guess that's all I should realistically expect. Unfortunately, I tend to build these things up to where I develop a sense of loss and disappointment on something that was never there to begin with.
Is it over-active imagination, or is it my subconscious trying to urge me to be more daring? Probably a silly question in most situations like the one tonight where discretion is the better part of, well, not embarrassing yourself. Still, in more opportunistic times, like say a bear run, or a party filled with gay men, I wonder if my being somewhat timid about being...what word am I looking for here? sultry, seductive, available...wait, a whore! I end up just driving myself to frustration wondering what could be, or what my imagination wants - whether that's actually on the plate or not. A big part of the problem is continuing to ask "what if?" because I didn't follow my desires.
This isn't the first time I've been driven to a fantasy world by a waiter, or apple store employee or cop or anyone else that I might pass along the street, and in general the infatuation drops off quickly. At other times, usually with people who I'm more familiar with, or I might have an idea of their orientation and perhaps preferences, that may take on more of a life of it's own.
Another stumbling block is my own weakness, and that's simply not feeling good enough to be sexy enough for the ones I desire. Not that I actually know this, but I have over the years been spoon fed, and myself believed that I'm not sexy, and possibly not interesting. Something I know that a lot of bears have felt, and many still struggle with. I know that I'm not alone here.
Still, I'm worried that my "insta-crushes" kind of get in the way and aren't appropriate, even when the other person may not ever know about it. They've occasionally led to times of depression, where I feel not only sad, but disappointed, like I do now, that I thought about the possibility at all. Sometimes this has lasted for a few days, even though in the long range scheme of things there's nothing, no reason to fret. I have a good life, and there's no reason for the extra stress.
Still, I know it must change my body language and other only slightly perceptible signs when I get locked in. I'd hate to make someone uncomfortable because of my stare or my standard, everyday horniness.
Tonight I'll think about the pizza boy, tomorrow, who knows? I wonder if he'll know?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-28 05:38 am (UTC)it sucks. at least you have your boy...
no subject
Date: 2005-10-28 05:49 am (UTC)I had to be pretty obvious. Like when he introduced me to a friend of his that happened to be chubby, i mentioned how cute they seemed. Or when my bear friends came by to say hi, I hugged and kissed them. It took him so long to get the message, cause he was not expecting it, then he was confused. I think at the end, he got it.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-28 07:46 am (UTC)I had one guy come in to work tonight... handsome 40-ish bear, salt & pepper everything, chesthair showing... no wedding ring.
He was looking at our notebook computers and we talked for almost 2 hours about nothing in particular. Very nice guy.
I almost had a coronary he said, "I live on my computer. I spend a lot of time using bear... um... bear something."
I thought to myself, "bear411?? OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE!"
He recalled and exclaimed, "Oh, BearShare, that's it!"
Ugh.
Then, he mentioned about how he talks to his girlfriend from Florida online every night.
UGH! Heart go sinky. Ker-sploosh!
Even if he WAS into men, would be be into me? Who knows. In the end, it was a lot of fun just looking and dreaming...
no subject
Date: 2005-10-28 09:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-28 12:11 pm (UTC)Everyday, man... everyday.
Major eye-candies, hot bubbas. Thinking about the what-ifs. My solution... take a picture (seriously, I do... with my camera phone. I get away with it hehehe). Why? Coz I don't think anything's gonna happen.
I do wonder sometimes... will he a be a good BF? Or a FB? Or just a buddy? I dunno.
We go to Flying J truckstop at Richey and I-45 for our trucker eye-candies. "Shower room number 145 is now available..." Aaaahhh the fantasies... :-)