Sunny Skies, Cloudy Mind

It's already turning out to be an odd day since I was supposed to go out to the Texas Renaissance Festival, but everyone who was to go with me has called off. Now I'm debating going alone or not (I know, start up the choruses of Poor, Poor Pitiful Me, and Alone Again, Naturally.)

I'm looking at finances and wondering if it's wise to go at all this morning,as I see the bank account dwindling, and I knew I had my heart set on buying a silver ring to replace my frat ring. Of course, this is as I click on the PayPal link to finish my registration for Fiesta de Los Osos. I'm not even sure I can afford the hotel, or the plane flight, but I guess I thought I'd get the spot before they are all gone.

Yeah. That kind of morning.

Last night I had gone out with Kip (scarabbear) for dinner, since I was going to borrow the kilt for the festival. While we were out, I got a call from Chris saying that he was in Oklahoma at TCC retreat and they didn't have him on the list as having signed up for the retreat, so they didn't have a place for him, and he was very upset. Here I was wanting to do something, anything, but all I could do was talk on the phone when I would have rather have been there to console him to try to make things better.

I know, being on the phone was something.

Still, it's just another one of those things that distance just makes that much harder, and today, I'd give a lot to be with him. Kip and I make a good lamenting club as he's also involved in a long distance relationship, but his is much, much farther away.

Perhaps Sunday is the better day for the festival after all, since it's a hop, skip and a jump to the free dinner with the parents that's the usual finish for a homebound weekend.

Anyone free tonight?

Another White Dash Flies Beneath Us

Today is my second anniversary on Live Journal.

I started this journal without a real idea why I'd be doing it. It just seemed like a good way to start writing, something I had gotten out of touch with after college. Starting the journal I had just moved to my own place here in Houston, after a few years of gaining enough money to get out of all of the debt that I had built up from college. Moving away from my parents and the suburbs of in Conroe was going to allow me to create a new life for myself.

What Live Journal was was a way to get out feelings and find a new audience, and I saw, from finding LJ on a link from Stocky Jock, that there was a community of Bears here. Jumping in, I found a couple of connections, and here, two years later, a few of the first people I added to my friends list are still with me now. The interesting thing is, at the time, the community of about 300 bears were lamenting that the crowd was getting too big, and people didn't know everyone anymore. Now there's some 1,000 that list "bear" as an interest. There's little way to know everyone.

Still, I've managed to attract nearly 250 people to my friends list. For that I'm humbled. Even with that I know of other lurkers, and since I leave a majority of my posts open, some people outside LJ who take a gander at my life. Somehow I've managed to make my life, and my opinions interesting enough, and often, you folks have responded back. Again, for that I'm grateful.

Looking back, when I signed on, I was looking to open a door. LJ was an excellent way to get involved with the community when you're not quite ready to be on the meat market. I'll admit I was extremely scared. I had built up a lot of fear, and even loathing about being gay, but I was tired about being alone and tired of not having someone in my life. Also, let's face it, I wanted to have sex, but I wanted to do that on my terms, I wasn't wanting to meet people in bars...again, scared. Sure, One could find places like Bear 411, gay.com or plenty of porn, but what if you needed a more subtle introduction to the community.

So what happens in two years? You open up. You become more comfortable with yourself, your life, your sexuality. Sure, there's a lot to go, but looking back, there's a lot of growth done here.

It's not without some loss. I'd definitely say that my life has changed, with friends from college disappearing and the links back to my fraternity, such an important part of my life for so long, fading out, but a new life emerged, with new friends, and new community.

I've come out to my parent's, fallen in love, gotten politically active, been published, and many of you have been along for the ride. Many of you have commented, and I thank you, others of you have met me, and yes, some of you well, you know, there is a problem sometimes when you put much of your blog as public posts, you know.

So, here's post 729...