I Don't Want to Spoil The Party (but I do)

[eggwards]

Just one last bit about last weekend. I could mention that we went out and saw Brother Bear which was nice, but nothing special. What impressed me is that we went together. Despite my telling Chris (oakleycub) that he could go see it without me with the Dallas Movie Bears, that see a new flick each Wednesday (why don't we have that here in Houston?), he waited till we were together to go see it. This really does mean a lot to me. I thought it was a really nice gesture.

I guess I'm having some unnerving feelings that I'm not good enough for this guy. I don't know why I keep beating myself up this way. Now I've always had a bit of a problem thinking I need to work really, really hard to keep friends, and this has only grown in my adult life as I lost touch with all of my high school friends, and now seem to be doing the same with the college ones. As I make new friends, I keep feeling that I really have to take care of them, stay in contact with them, and do things for them in order to keep them. It's a part of a low self-esteem issue that I'm continuing to work on.

So things go one or two ways for me, either I go out of my way to be accommodating, even to the point of putting myself in situations I don't enjoy, and feel bad about later, or I go off in a huff and have some stupid temper tantrum. I've written about a few of these occasions in this journal before. Being uncomfortable only lasts so long with me, and then I explode.

I managed to handle myself better over last weekend. I sort of got mad over a parking situation for the concert, and Chris took me to task for it, because i was acting like a stupid kid. I was revved up about the concert, and I was frustrated about the fact that there was no parking information around the Southern methodist University campus where it was held. Chris later apologized for being snippy, but he'd been up for hours that day. I was being an idiot, so the comment was warranted, and I really didn't have a problem with it. My sister knows I get that way, so she just watched knowing the moment would pass.

Monday night i was already getting down about leaving, but I was looking forward to seeing Skye (cristalskye) and so was Jason (spintobear), who is now Chris' roommate. We had invited her to dinner and Chris had decided to cook. I am only beginning to find out how good a cook Chris really is, but there's a problem. Many of you may know what an idiot I am when it comes to food. My parents spoiled me when I was I child, and now I'm so picky that it probably is one of the most unhealthy diets around. I eat like I'm on Adkins, with the carbs. The only green thing I'll touch is lime Jell-o, and even that can give me the shakes.

As Chris got the idea to make gumbo, he could see my spirits fall. Already I was in my, "now what the hell am I going to do?" phase, and being the really poor actor that I am, it showed in my face and my posture. I instantly felt stupid when I was called on it, and Jason was witness to me looking like a 5 year old who's just been told he can't go to McDonald's for the Brother Bear Happy Meal.

Chris came over to console me, and mentioned that he could cook something else, but I knew he really wanted to make the gumbo. I thought it was very unfair for me to completely take over the meal just because I won't eat what other people will. Chris and Skye have both changed menus for me before, and I've managed to change people's dinner plans just because they know I won't like going to a Chinese restaurant, but I find that that's very selfish of me to do all of the time.

Although I can't say that the extra attention Chris was laying on me as I pouted was bad, I had to subjugate my feelings and tell him that I would deal with him cooking gumbo for his guests. We went to Kroger and picked up what he needed, and I kept wondering if I should pick up a package of Pepperoni Hot Pockets to get through it. Chris even suggested making chili instead (which is one thing I can cook, so I'll have to make that for him sometime soon), but I told him no, he wanted to make gumbo, and he should do it. I'll deal.

In a way, I felt upset that I was burying my feelings so much. Chris asked me what was troubling me, and I wouldn't really tell him, because I'd come off as a demanding bitch. I was mad that dinner wasn't going to go my way, but i was also mad that I was making such a big deal about it. I was letting such a base emotion get the better of me, and for the sake of harmony, i wasn't going to let it get out and ruin Chris' evening, too.

As soon as Skye entered and found that Chris was cooking gumbo, she knew I was having a problem with it. I was much more reserved and quiet that evening, and I was kind of letting myself play the fool, taking some good-natured ribbing about my eating habits from all three of my fellow diners. For some reason people seem to find it endearing when I get embarrassed.

The gumbo was placed in front of me with a spoon, and I quickly got up to grab a fork. I told myself I wouldn't be an ass and not eat any of it, so I worked to fish out the chicken and sausage, occasionally grabbing some rice that wasn't tainted with the celery, onions or okra. It was a decent dish, actually. Skye and Jason were very impressed with the dish. I felt more embarrassed when they had finished most of their bowls and I sat there with one that was still populated by green stuff.

Chris has mentioned that he wants to go slow and change my eating habits. I say I'll try, but others have tried with little success. Still, he did get me to go to Pei Wei for their faux Asian cuisine, thought I did order the dish with the least vegetable matter on it. I'm still a meat and potatoes guy.

I guess I'm just not trying to spoil the party, but even when I try to give in, I'm causing a scene. It's not one of my best traits. Am I really so shallow they when I don't get my way I want to make everyone miserable? I guess so.

I apologized as I was leaving for being such a jerk. I told Chris that I was glad that he didn't give into my pouting, especially after seeing how much Skye and Jason loved his gumbo. Perhaps I'm the loser for not being able to enjoy it. I actually felt bad when I picked up some chicken nuggets on the drive home, like I had betrayed Chris' cooking by getting drive-thru.

Who knew that Barbeque sauce could make you feel so conflicted?

Comments

[xkot.livejournal.com]

That sounds familiar. When I was a little kid my dad gave me a whole bunch of "food issues". He would hold me down and force-feed me vegetables if I didn't want to have them at dinner, among other things, so I have problems with certain foods.

It's something I am working on and have made a lot of progress with, but it can still be a bummer when I'm at a social gathering and the meal is something I wouldn't touch in a million years. I feel your pain.

[cristalskye.livejournal.com]

Did I tell you that I hate okra and celery?

See last year when Chris made Gumbo, there was a house full of bears and lots of dishes were made. In the excitement Chris actually forgot to add the okra, which was good to me at the time.

Now this version of Gumbo did not taste any different to me than the last. He is a good cook AND it had sausage in it.

I don't get to see you as often as I have the opportunity to eat Chinese food, so if I have the choice I choose you and meat and potatoes for the menu.

We love you and it IS damn cute when you get embarrassed.

[lostncove.livejournal.com]

I need a Skye of my very own up here, damn it.

[cristalskye.livejournal.com]

I am irreplaceable...

[jrjarrett.livejournal.com]

But cloneable?

[cristalskye.livejournal.com]

only if you can get my dna, baby.


only


if....

[garebear.livejournal.com]

The thing with friends; friends are important, no question. I think you're lucky if you have just one close friend. That's all it takes.

You may have dozens of friends, but how many are really close? How many would come to your rescue if you really needed it? Good friends really shouldn't take work to keep. But, it's not too much work to give a call, or get together for dinner once in a while.

For the most part, your quirks are what makes you unique. Some of them may be irritating, others endearing; but isn't that true of every body? Never apologize for being yourself (within limits!).

Now the food thing... Chicken nuggets w/ BBQ sauce vs. homemade gumbo? You know that sounds silly.

I'm a very food loving guy, but I'm impusive about my food. When asked what I'd like to eat for birthday dinner, the surprising answer was a Big Mac and Fries. Yes, at that moment I would have selected McD's over homemade gumbo.

But I love, Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, Ethiopean, East Indian, Thai...and I'm willing to try anything. There are many things that I've tried that I've hated with a passion, but I really open about trying new tastes. I really love the adventure of new food and discovering something new that I'll crave.

Try some green stuff, just keep your mind open, don't taste it with preconceptions. Roll it around in your mouth and savor the taste and texture. Try it for a week. You don't have to swallow, but you might develop a taste for it. And it's good for you.

And somehow, I keep hearing about Skye in different journals, she apparently rocks!

[t8r.livejournal.com]

egg, you are way too hard on yourself.

I'm sure no one thought you were being a big baby. I know several folks who are similarly picky eaters, and many of them just turn it into a big joke, and to your friends it can be an endearing quirk. I wouldn't sweat it too much, though I do applaud you efforts to expand your taste. You really are missing out on a whole lot of incredible food out there, but really it's not something that's gonna make people hate you. You are far too charming to be dismissed so easily. :-)

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

There's a lot going on in this post. Hope it's okay if I jump in as briefly as I can.

1) "Am I good enough for this guy" stuff is normal at this point in a relationship. Especially one of your first truly serious relationships. And especially with someone with as many good points as Chris. You ARE good enough. Let Chris and others show you that, try to let yourself enjoy and believe it. It will take time.

2) The "I have to work hard to keep my friendships or they vanish" feeling is one I still have to work on too. Hugs.

3) Some people have real, very serious food allergies. You may be one of them. There's no shame in it, it's just a problem. How people deal with those things makes a lot of difference to their friends and loved ones. My Dad had some serious issues, and was a real bastard about them. No good. I have current friends whose diets are VERY restricted, but they deal with it with grace and good humor. No problem. We can't go to certain restaurants or prepare certain things when they're around, but it's okay. We do things together that we can do.

4) You may also have strictly "psychological" preferences about food. That doesn't mean you can just change them overnight. You may not change some of them EVER. I mean, you're mostly not/not at all sexually interested in women anymore, right? Gonna make yourself work on that? Gonna beat up on yourself for having a strong or absolute preference for men? Didn't think so. :)

5) If you WANT to work on your food stuff, then definitely do so. But let Chris and your friends help. That's one thing loved ones are for. *Don't* bury your feelings, but *don't* make other people responsible for them either. Let people know how you're feeling, let them know you worry about being a problem, let them know that is is a REAL issue for you, but let them tell you how THEY feel about it. They probably want to know how to help. They probably don't want you to be feeling bad.

You can tell Chris you LOVE what a great cook he is, even if you can't eat some of what he cooks. It sounds like he makes people happy with his food; I bet you love that about him, even if your own stomach churns. Tell Chris you DO love him, and that you WANT to love his cooking, even if you never CAN like certain things.

It sounds like your food feelings are something you want to work on because it would make YOUR life better, and might help you and Chris enjoy life together better. Those are much better reasons for trying than "I'm a bad guy if I don't eat this thing that makes me want to puke." Of course it feels rotten if you're telling yourself you "have to" do something that feels gross to you. Of course you're going to feel bad about yourself or snappy towards others if you put that kind of negative frame on it.

The trick is to think about what you WANT that's GOOD. You may WANT to eat differently, and you may be able to. But maybe it will just be something you can't change. You also WANT to express love for Chris, and be part of a group of friends. Well, having your own Hot Pockets while they have gumbo is actually a decent solution. Eating the parts of the gumbo you can stomach is also good. The point is to be your best self, let people know you're trying, let them show that they accept you as you are, and work on accepting yourself too.

You're not a loser for being a little different. You're not a loser at all. Look how many good things have changed for you in the past year. Food may NOT change, but you're still a good guy.

[oakleycub.livejournal.com]

I think the barbeque sauce is evil and telling you what to do. You wouldn't believe the things it was telling me the other day. Shocking.

I'm going to shove vegetables down your throat to stop it's evil influence. I swear it will hurt me more than it hurts you. Just ignore the laughter.

We both have our passive aggressive aspects, and resistance to things we don't like. I'm just a better actor and come from a long line of sneaky bastards that often get our way, but still come through looking golden.

I promise to not fall victim to you pouting, if you promise to thwart my sneakiness sometimes.

[eggwards.livejournal.com]

Well, it will be alright, you kn...what? Shh! I'm trying to type a message to my...No, sauce, I can't do that! Shh!

Sorry, what was I say...WHAT!? Come on, I'm not going to do that! I love hi...Geez, I can't believe that you're trying to get me to ki...UHM! Sorry.

I'm really not sure about the veggie thing it's just tha...STOP TALKING TO ME! I won't even see him for a week and you're just a SAUCE! DAMMIT. I won't do your Dirty Work for You!

Uh, Well, geez, it's kind of warm in here, isn't it.

I'll just deal with this later. Sorry to waste your time.