Past Times - My friend Jim
Nov. 5th, 2003 09:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggwardsI haven't done one of these in a while, where I go back and discuss something from the past, something you might not know about me. So, in this spirit, here comes a past times story. If you haven’t read DC’s Starman or JSA, you may not know what I speak of, but James Robinson, the writer, likes to take an issue or two to write a background story. Something the readers may not have known about the characters. This is such a story.
A little while back, I spotted an old friend online - just through a website. His name is Jim, and he's the first person I came out to, many years ago. Jim not only was a part of my sexual awakening, but also a part of my remaining in the closet for such a long time, through little fault of his own.
My family moved to Conroe, TX. in 1978 from Nacogdoches TX. I worried about making friends, because I had only lived in Nac-a-nowhere for a few years and had a difficult time making friends there (though the next door neighbors liked to play "Bionic Kids: the 12 Million Dollar Generation"). Now I had gotten overweight and dorky, but Conroe had a McDonald's, back when smaller towns didn't have one.
I didn't meet Jim until 1979 when I started Jr. High School. I can't remember exactly how we met, but it had to do something with the band (we didn't march in Jr. High). Jim was a trumpet player, and although I wanted to play trumpet, I was forced, due to my braces, to play saxophone, which I loathed. Jim was much more musically talented and was always in the higher band than I.
Still, we found some things in common. I had a boatload of Star Wars toys (now since sold to pay for a semester of college), and his mother didn't have money to afford such things. Jim's mom was the bus driver's captain and had raised Jim alone. Officially, they lived on the wrong side of the tracks, while we lived in a new subdivision.
It wasn't until after high school when I found out Jim's mom was a lesbian. I did think she dressed strangely, men's western shirts and such, but even after she had a lover living with them for a couple of years, I really didn't put it all together.
Jim didn't have a father, and never knew him. I lived with both of mine, and at the time, they were very happy together. As the 1980's progressed, and my dad got into more and more financial duress, due to his business failing, their relationship grew colder. My sister sort of grew up with another family, who's sons I babysat at times. Jim didn't have a brother until his mother's lover brought her son with her.
We made it through high school. he was smart, and taught me about computers. I tended to mimic the things he liked, computers, movies, humor, band. He was good at math, and I wasn't. I chose to get involved with theater, choir, and journalism. He studied physics and computer science. Still, we'd walk home together, since neither of us had a car. We were supposed to take the bus, and we lived on different routes, but we'd walk through the woods, about three miles one way or the other, and end up at one of our houses. Then we'd call whomever's mother we weren't around to tell them that we had gotten there. On weekends I'd often ride my bike over the overpass of I-45 to get to his house to play the latest Infocom game or something.
Jim was tall and lanky. I was shorter in those days, and overweight. It was a very Mutt and Jeff kind of thing. jim wasn't my only friend, there were others including Billy, who someone had made a rumor that we were a "fag couple". Not only was that wrong, I didn't find Billy, or Jim for that matter, attractive. There were some things going on. When I was 12, my parents sent me to Sex Ed, as given by the Methodist Church. Strangely enough, when you think they would have taught nothing but abstinence, they actually taught me about masturbation and a new word to me, homosexual. I'm not sure that's what they intended to do, but it happened, and in a relatively glossed over but non-judgemental manner.
I knew there was something there, but a book that my dad gave me in my high school years was Everything You wanted To Know About Sex* - *and were afraid to ask. The copy was old, from sometime in the early seventies. There was a whole chapter on homosexuality, but the main thing I took from the book was the line, "Most young men go through a phase where they feel sexually attracted to a coach or another boy, but for most this only lasts a short time."
You wouldn't believe how much I took those words to heart. It's only a phase.
I started to date Leighza when I was turning 16. She was in some plays with me. She was one year younger, and already more sexually active than I was. To her I lost my virginity. I loved her, when I still wasn't sure what it was all about. I still hung out with Jim, but not as much. Leighza was the pied piper of the theater community, and I was happy to be along for the ride - and keep those rumors about Billy at bay. My parents were thrilled, my grandmothers were too. When my maternal grandmother died she still had the prom picture of Leighza and I on her dresser. She liked that picture better than the one of just me that I took a few years later.
I applied to several schools for college, and was accepted at all of them. I set my sights a bit low, though. Stephen F. Austin State, Sam Houston State, Southwest Texas state, and a few others. I laugh that Howard Payne University, a ultra conservative baptist college in West Texas wanted me, unsolicited, but hey, I did graduate in the top 15% of my class. I made a decision to go to the University of Houston, it was close, it had a good theater department, and Jim was going there too. I originally wanted to go to SMU in Dallas, but my dad couldn't afford it, and we didn't qualify for aid, or scholarships.
I was still car-less, borrowing my Dad's 1980 Buick Skylark (since the car's paint fell off during the first year, and primer applied, it was known as the Rustmobile) from time to time, but Jim was given a yellow VW Bug. Quarters were cramped, but it was a source of transportation. We spent a lot of time in that car that summer.
One night Jim was talking to me in the bug as we were going down I-45. Quietly, he dropped a question on me, "do you ever get, well excited, looking at guys?"
After a couple of minutes of quiet contemplation as the wheels spun, I sheepishly replied, "Yes."
And so began a long discussion of liking men. I don't think the words "Gay" or "Homosexual" were ever used then. Jim hadn't told his mother, but he had done more than I had, he had gone to an adult bookstore and done it. Jim was much, much farther along emotionally than I was, and more accepting of who he was. When he did come around to telling his mom, it was a piece of cake.
Well, Leighza and I fell apart in the summer, as her interests turned to another guy (also gay, she hit about 4 of us), and during the fall semester, she dumped me on the phone.
Jim lived on the south side of Houston with an aunt and uncle, while i lived in the dorms for the first two years of college. I still didn't have a car, so it was Jim who picked me up and took me places. we would always go to see Rocky Horror on saturday nights. We would skip classes and go Downtown to run through the tunnel system, discovering new places. Jim would talk about his exploits, going to bookstores. I kind of thought it was weird.
Jim had me over at his aunt's place around Christmas time. I mention this only because we were singing carols, and in Deck the Halls, the word "gay" was marked out of the book, replaced with "new". Jim's aunt and uncle were a church going lot. jim knew he had to leave from under their roof.
Jim and I found Tim, who was also looking to move out, and for my third year of college, Jim, Tim and I with my new car moved into a two bedroom apartment near the Astrodome. Jim took one room, while Tim and I took the other. Tim was much more my type, stockier, and blonde, he was a nice, fun, and straight guy. It was easy to know that Jim was gay, as he started bringing people over, but I think it surprised Tim that I was "thinking about it". He found out when he found a male porno mag in my possession.
About 9 months in, Tim told his mother that Jim was gay, and his mother made him move out on the spot. Jim and I had to move to a cheaper place - especially since I now had to pay my own way. Dad couldn't foot the bill anymore. I started working at Sears.
Jim started dating someone. He was older, in his 60's. He totally freaked me out. I couldn't comprehend that Jim would want to go out with this guy, this and the fact that Jim was changing right in front of me, and I couldn't take it. Jim was finding freedom in being open and out of the closet, and I was still in the closet, cowering. Jim had found his gay style, and become much more effeminate. Something I never wanted to be. I was intimidated by him.
One night, he was actually at our apartment. More often than not, he was staying at his boyfriend's house. That night was the night I asked him what a blowjob was like. Leighza had never done it to me. Jim was conflicted, but he decided to show me. He was good, and when he finished, I offered to try on him, but he said that that was reserved for his boyfriend. Jim regretted doing it, I felt bad for trying it. It wasn't the smart thing to do. We had crossed a line.
Jim moved out and had told me that he and his boyfriend were married. I couldn't handle it. I told him to stay away, and that I didn't want to see him. It wasn't unrequited love, it was the end of a friendship because I couldn't stand being like him, being gay like him. It was still a phase, right? I couldn't be a flaming queen.
I drove myself farther into the closet, trying to date other girls, totally failing to make that work. Jim left school and went to work for UPS. He's still there today.
I came out to my friends several years ago, telling them I was gay, but I wasn't one of "those gays". Really I just still wasn't ready for it, even then. I was telling my friends in order to learn, and hopefully find a kindred spirit, especially among my fraternity brothers. Even though there were gay brothers in the past, I was welcomed by my brothers, but they (the guys, it's a co-ed frat) were straight.
Jim faded off into the distance. He broke up with the old guy, and met someone else and moved in. He's been with Jerry for 15 years. He loves rollercoasters, and has traveled the world riding different ones. H also writes music for, and conducts the MMC bell choir. i've missed all of this, because I wasn't accepting of myself, and was too scared to be one of "them'.
My parents had asked what happened to Jim, and I just said, we had a disagreement. i never said he was gay, because I never wanted to add to any parental suspicion on my own life.
The funny thing is, I've learned over the past year that I can live my life on my own terms. The gay part doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be effeminate, or butch, or anything but myself. It's taken a while to get to this point, and there's still lessons to learn.
I sent an email to Jim, and he sent one back. He asked for a picture, and I sent one, plus one of me and chris, telling him I had finally grown the hell up, and figured out some things in my life. Nothing will be the same, but perhaps I can rebuild something.
Jim lives about 30 miles south of Houston, so sooner or later we'll have to get together and fill in the gaps. I don't know when that will be, but I do know that it may be a difficult reunion, and hard to say I'm sorry for being so stupid. I've grown. I may not be all the way there, but it's better. There's a bridge that burned down, but now there's a new chance to bridge this gap.
Here's to friends, past and present.
A little while back, I spotted an old friend online - just through a website. His name is Jim, and he's the first person I came out to, many years ago. Jim not only was a part of my sexual awakening, but also a part of my remaining in the closet for such a long time, through little fault of his own.
My family moved to Conroe, TX. in 1978 from Nacogdoches TX. I worried about making friends, because I had only lived in Nac-a-nowhere for a few years and had a difficult time making friends there (though the next door neighbors liked to play "Bionic Kids: the 12 Million Dollar Generation"). Now I had gotten overweight and dorky, but Conroe had a McDonald's, back when smaller towns didn't have one.
I didn't meet Jim until 1979 when I started Jr. High School. I can't remember exactly how we met, but it had to do something with the band (we didn't march in Jr. High). Jim was a trumpet player, and although I wanted to play trumpet, I was forced, due to my braces, to play saxophone, which I loathed. Jim was much more musically talented and was always in the higher band than I.
Still, we found some things in common. I had a boatload of Star Wars toys (now since sold to pay for a semester of college), and his mother didn't have money to afford such things. Jim's mom was the bus driver's captain and had raised Jim alone. Officially, they lived on the wrong side of the tracks, while we lived in a new subdivision.
It wasn't until after high school when I found out Jim's mom was a lesbian. I did think she dressed strangely, men's western shirts and such, but even after she had a lover living with them for a couple of years, I really didn't put it all together.
Jim didn't have a father, and never knew him. I lived with both of mine, and at the time, they were very happy together. As the 1980's progressed, and my dad got into more and more financial duress, due to his business failing, their relationship grew colder. My sister sort of grew up with another family, who's sons I babysat at times. Jim didn't have a brother until his mother's lover brought her son with her.
We made it through high school. he was smart, and taught me about computers. I tended to mimic the things he liked, computers, movies, humor, band. He was good at math, and I wasn't. I chose to get involved with theater, choir, and journalism. He studied physics and computer science. Still, we'd walk home together, since neither of us had a car. We were supposed to take the bus, and we lived on different routes, but we'd walk through the woods, about three miles one way or the other, and end up at one of our houses. Then we'd call whomever's mother we weren't around to tell them that we had gotten there. On weekends I'd often ride my bike over the overpass of I-45 to get to his house to play the latest Infocom game or something.
Jim was tall and lanky. I was shorter in those days, and overweight. It was a very Mutt and Jeff kind of thing. jim wasn't my only friend, there were others including Billy, who someone had made a rumor that we were a "fag couple". Not only was that wrong, I didn't find Billy, or Jim for that matter, attractive. There were some things going on. When I was 12, my parents sent me to Sex Ed, as given by the Methodist Church. Strangely enough, when you think they would have taught nothing but abstinence, they actually taught me about masturbation and a new word to me, homosexual. I'm not sure that's what they intended to do, but it happened, and in a relatively glossed over but non-judgemental manner.
I knew there was something there, but a book that my dad gave me in my high school years was Everything You wanted To Know About Sex* - *and were afraid to ask. The copy was old, from sometime in the early seventies. There was a whole chapter on homosexuality, but the main thing I took from the book was the line, "Most young men go through a phase where they feel sexually attracted to a coach or another boy, but for most this only lasts a short time."
You wouldn't believe how much I took those words to heart. It's only a phase.
I started to date Leighza when I was turning 16. She was in some plays with me. She was one year younger, and already more sexually active than I was. To her I lost my virginity. I loved her, when I still wasn't sure what it was all about. I still hung out with Jim, but not as much. Leighza was the pied piper of the theater community, and I was happy to be along for the ride - and keep those rumors about Billy at bay. My parents were thrilled, my grandmothers were too. When my maternal grandmother died she still had the prom picture of Leighza and I on her dresser. She liked that picture better than the one of just me that I took a few years later.
I applied to several schools for college, and was accepted at all of them. I set my sights a bit low, though. Stephen F. Austin State, Sam Houston State, Southwest Texas state, and a few others. I laugh that Howard Payne University, a ultra conservative baptist college in West Texas wanted me, unsolicited, but hey, I did graduate in the top 15% of my class. I made a decision to go to the University of Houston, it was close, it had a good theater department, and Jim was going there too. I originally wanted to go to SMU in Dallas, but my dad couldn't afford it, and we didn't qualify for aid, or scholarships.
I was still car-less, borrowing my Dad's 1980 Buick Skylark (since the car's paint fell off during the first year, and primer applied, it was known as the Rustmobile) from time to time, but Jim was given a yellow VW Bug. Quarters were cramped, but it was a source of transportation. We spent a lot of time in that car that summer.
One night Jim was talking to me in the bug as we were going down I-45. Quietly, he dropped a question on me, "do you ever get, well excited, looking at guys?"
After a couple of minutes of quiet contemplation as the wheels spun, I sheepishly replied, "Yes."
And so began a long discussion of liking men. I don't think the words "Gay" or "Homosexual" were ever used then. Jim hadn't told his mother, but he had done more than I had, he had gone to an adult bookstore and done it. Jim was much, much farther along emotionally than I was, and more accepting of who he was. When he did come around to telling his mom, it was a piece of cake.
Well, Leighza and I fell apart in the summer, as her interests turned to another guy (also gay, she hit about 4 of us), and during the fall semester, she dumped me on the phone.
Jim lived on the south side of Houston with an aunt and uncle, while i lived in the dorms for the first two years of college. I still didn't have a car, so it was Jim who picked me up and took me places. we would always go to see Rocky Horror on saturday nights. We would skip classes and go Downtown to run through the tunnel system, discovering new places. Jim would talk about his exploits, going to bookstores. I kind of thought it was weird.
Jim had me over at his aunt's place around Christmas time. I mention this only because we were singing carols, and in Deck the Halls, the word "gay" was marked out of the book, replaced with "new". Jim's aunt and uncle were a church going lot. jim knew he had to leave from under their roof.
Jim and I found Tim, who was also looking to move out, and for my third year of college, Jim, Tim and I with my new car moved into a two bedroom apartment near the Astrodome. Jim took one room, while Tim and I took the other. Tim was much more my type, stockier, and blonde, he was a nice, fun, and straight guy. It was easy to know that Jim was gay, as he started bringing people over, but I think it surprised Tim that I was "thinking about it". He found out when he found a male porno mag in my possession.
About 9 months in, Tim told his mother that Jim was gay, and his mother made him move out on the spot. Jim and I had to move to a cheaper place - especially since I now had to pay my own way. Dad couldn't foot the bill anymore. I started working at Sears.
Jim started dating someone. He was older, in his 60's. He totally freaked me out. I couldn't comprehend that Jim would want to go out with this guy, this and the fact that Jim was changing right in front of me, and I couldn't take it. Jim was finding freedom in being open and out of the closet, and I was still in the closet, cowering. Jim had found his gay style, and become much more effeminate. Something I never wanted to be. I was intimidated by him.
One night, he was actually at our apartment. More often than not, he was staying at his boyfriend's house. That night was the night I asked him what a blowjob was like. Leighza had never done it to me. Jim was conflicted, but he decided to show me. He was good, and when he finished, I offered to try on him, but he said that that was reserved for his boyfriend. Jim regretted doing it, I felt bad for trying it. It wasn't the smart thing to do. We had crossed a line.
Jim moved out and had told me that he and his boyfriend were married. I couldn't handle it. I told him to stay away, and that I didn't want to see him. It wasn't unrequited love, it was the end of a friendship because I couldn't stand being like him, being gay like him. It was still a phase, right? I couldn't be a flaming queen.
I drove myself farther into the closet, trying to date other girls, totally failing to make that work. Jim left school and went to work for UPS. He's still there today.
I came out to my friends several years ago, telling them I was gay, but I wasn't one of "those gays". Really I just still wasn't ready for it, even then. I was telling my friends in order to learn, and hopefully find a kindred spirit, especially among my fraternity brothers. Even though there were gay brothers in the past, I was welcomed by my brothers, but they (the guys, it's a co-ed frat) were straight.
Jim faded off into the distance. He broke up with the old guy, and met someone else and moved in. He's been with Jerry for 15 years. He loves rollercoasters, and has traveled the world riding different ones. H also writes music for, and conducts the MMC bell choir. i've missed all of this, because I wasn't accepting of myself, and was too scared to be one of "them'.
My parents had asked what happened to Jim, and I just said, we had a disagreement. i never said he was gay, because I never wanted to add to any parental suspicion on my own life.
The funny thing is, I've learned over the past year that I can live my life on my own terms. The gay part doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be effeminate, or butch, or anything but myself. It's taken a while to get to this point, and there's still lessons to learn.
I sent an email to Jim, and he sent one back. He asked for a picture, and I sent one, plus one of me and chris, telling him I had finally grown the hell up, and figured out some things in my life. Nothing will be the same, but perhaps I can rebuild something.
Jim lives about 30 miles south of Houston, so sooner or later we'll have to get together and fill in the gaps. I don't know when that will be, but I do know that it may be a difficult reunion, and hard to say I'm sorry for being so stupid. I've grown. I may not be all the way there, but it's better. There's a bridge that burned down, but now there's a new chance to bridge this gap.
Here's to friends, past and present.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-05 09:07 pm (UTC)I bet the meeting won't be as difficult as Zork.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 10:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-05 09:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 04:44 am (UTC)I loved that line.
I only hope someday I will be able to say it to myself.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-07 10:46 pm (UTC)Hold on brother.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 08:52 am (UTC)