Scaredy Cat

[eggwards]

Happy belated birthday to drmrdave and a happy birthday to Roger (aadroma)

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Last night I was invited to Jerome's birthday party last night. normally i would detail everything about it, but in this case, I dressed up for it, got to his street, didn't initially know which townhouse it was, and then freaked.

I don't know what it was, but something in me was just screaming at me not to get out of the car. Something just telling me that I wasn't going to be comfortable in that party and I shouldn't go. It is the same anxiety that i get around gay bars. something in me just isn't brave enough to even make it to the door.

Yes, Jerome is one of the out co-workers, and is Greg and Kurt who would also be there. I certainly don't run in the same social circles as they do. They've been talking lately about heading to Austin for Labor Day for some big circuit party thing. I just haven't dealt with them much on the social scale. I went to a New Years party that Jerome had (with his now ex) and felt totally stupid being the only bearish guy amongst the twinks.

This was to be a smaller party, just some friends, a couple of them I have met, then they would go to Rich's to dance away the night. Dancing actually sounded good (despite the huge crowd Rich's gets on the weekend). I just couldn't see myself enjoying the party. I know that if Chris could have been there, I would have had a better time. I hate to say that I could have used him as a security blanket, but he knows I've done it before.

I'm still unable to move through the community. I don't know how to do it. Things still cause me concern and frighten me. I keep getting mad at myself for not being a grown-up. for not being able to put aside fears and feelings and be an adult about things. I was happy about the invite to Jerome's party. I got ready, and dressed for the occasion, but somewhere along the drive it became something else. it seemed like a test that I hadn't studied for. I saw it in a light I didn't like. There was just this numbing paralysis that wouldn't allow me to get out of that car, despite parking. Despite turing the car off. the neighborhood was nice, there was just a scaredy cat outside who wouldn't come in.

I hung around a parking lot nearby for about half an hour, trying to get over the feeling and prepare myself for the party. I couldn't do it. Something made me drive away, and drive all of the way to Pearland (about 25 miles away). Just driving, I had no other plans. I tried to clear my mind and move on. I called John on the phone and had one of the most addled, non-drunk conversations ever. I'm sure I left him baffled but I didn't want to put my troubles on him.

I caught up with John and Dawn once I was already in town, and made a lie that I just happened to be in Pearland-for something. We had some dinner and updated each other on the state of our lives. I left way to late to catch up with the birthday party, which was alright with me.

I'll just have to make something up on Monday when they ask me why I didn't come to the party. I guess I was sick.

Comments

[fauxbear.livejournal.com]

Boy, do I completely understand how you feel. What you've just described is the kind of "panic attack" I have whenever I think about going out, even if I know a half dozen people who will be there.

Fear isn't a comfortable thing, and I don't know why it is that we view the emotion as childish when it absolutely isn't. Fear is a protection mechanism, a perfectly adult thing. It's a problem at times like these when the fear is irrational.

I push against this "social anxiety" all the time. I have high hopes that it's conquerable and one day I will control my fear instead of the opposite.

[greggmmc.livejournal.com]

i know how you feel ... except that it is really among gay 'bear' type groups that i experience the same feelings of panic.

but i often force myself to show up even if it i usually slink out totally embarassed by my own behavior 15 minutes later ....

just keep trying, i know i will .....

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

**I'm still unable to move through the community. I don't know how to do it. Things still cause me concern and frighten me. I keep getting mad at myself for not being a grown-up. for not being able to put aside fears and feelings and be an adult about things.**

Whoa, now. I know you're frustrated with yourself for not being able to conquer your fear, but cut yourself a little slack. Keep in mind you haven't been out that long...in gay socialization, you ARE still a child. There's nothing wrong with experiencing anxiety and fear, and occasionally it will get the best of you. (I speak from personal experience...I literally RAN out of a meet-and-greet because my breath was shortening and I was feeling hemmed in by strangers.)

Give it time. As you spend more time in these situations and win the battle over your fear more and more, you'll get more comfortable and the fear will subside. The main thing you can remember is that you're a swell guy. If ya have confidence in yourself, you can walk into a room and be yourself and not worry about what other people think.

Again, I'm not just speaking off the cuff here...I speak from my own experience, which is all I can comment from.

As always, *HUGS* to you...you're the Icon, remember that. ;)

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the well-wishes, sweetheart. (Though now that you KNOW about said day you must die. Sorry, them's the rules.)

You really need to give yourself some sort of slack, honey; you really can't expect to be able to conquer all when you haven't been out all that long. It WILL happen, but sometimes you need to nudge yourself. Don't beat yourself down; it'll happen.