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Acceptance: The Not-So-Naked Truth
I said a while back that last weekend seemed to be a running dialogue about acceptance. Accepting myself, accepting differences, accepting others, accepting my limitations and boundaries, and accepting others opinions of me.
I know, that's a lot of angst for a weekend, but I promise, there was no life or death problems, but there was plenty of chances to learn, grow. In my second adolescence, sometimes I learn, sometimes I don't.
The weekend started Friday when Chris has to wake up for work. Since I had to travel to south Arlington to visit my doctor, I sort of woke up at the same time, and didn't fall back to sleep. I drove in a light rain and made it to the doc's office on time. After filling out the paperwork, I was called, and off we went for a blood pressure check (yes, my blood pressure's a little high) and off to weigh.
I asked the nurse if the reading was right, but there it was, spelled out in LCD numbers. It was 20 pounds more than I was a year ago, and I guess about 40 pounds more than I thought I was. I'm not sure if it was a delusion or what, but I did think that the pants were getting tight again. My doctor was nice enough to not be disappointed, as i was, and he was looking for new suggestions to try to help me. you can tell that I'm embarrassed about this, since I'm not going to tell you exactly what my weight is.
This is were I feel I should have taken more personal action, walking, riding, working out. I think I've put too much faith in my doctor's chemical try to get my weight down, and not in trying to actually change my behaviors and take control of my health. It's not that my doc didn't recommend this before...the pills are supposed to help with, not replace a healthier lifestyle, so I feel that my lazy attitude has only hurt myself. This will need to change over the next year. I lost weight the year before, but now have backpedaled.
My doc also noticed that my knees "click". One thing that stops me from walking all the time is that my legs do get tired. I've been thinking that it was more just fatigue and the weight, but surprise, knees aren't supposed to click when you bend them. Doc, knowing I was just up there for the weekend, was able to get me a MRI appointment that afternoon, several miles south in Mansfield. After grabbing lunch with Chris, I took some time by walking a mall...and tiring out my knees. Probably not the best thing to do before the MRI.
I had been given the wrong idea about MRI's. Too many television shows give you the impression that it's one pass. This was about 50 minutes per knee, and was mind-numbingly boring. The very loud noise that comes from the machine is throbbing, seems to go through you...and isn't really kept at bay by the earplugs they give you. I was there in my hospital gown, trying to relax, glad that I didn't have to go all the way in. I'm not usually claustrophobic, but big guys in small spaces... I tried to concentrate on shane Hammond, naked - to get me through the time. We'll see what craziness the results of this will give me later on.
As I left the small suburban community of Mansfield, I was interested to see a small church with a what usually is either a quaint message or a tease for the upcoming message. It looked like the Sunday sermon was to be titled "Can Homosexuals Be Christian?" Since I wasn't going to be available on Sunday, I wanted to go in and see if I could be a Christian, but it was almost five o'clock and I'm sure they wanted to go home as well. I'm kind of sad that I might not be accepted at their little church on the prairie.
Chris and I went out for the evening when we found out, sadly that a family emergency had cancelled the show by the Punch Drunk comedy troupe. So we went out to the bars, and saw a whole bunch of people out at the Round Up. After checking out some of the other bars, and approaching midnight, we were tired, but we decided to stop by the Eagle. We saw Jeff and Joey - two guys who's pool parties we'd gone to before, and they were going to have yet another. We stopped to talk to Cameron for a bit, and mentioned that he was not invited to the Saturday night party. Jeff and Joey then told us that Cameron would not be welcome at their party. We didn't really solicit this information, and it kind of bugged both of us.
The Eagle is much brighter, and less lewd than it used to be. Some raids have changed it recently, but it still is probably the most touchy-feely of the bars. I'm not sure what makes it so. Chris and I got to talk, and yep, rub on a couple of hot bears and cubs there. People Chris knew. It was a nice, friendly mood that developed, making me glad we went there. We made a couple of connections and then Chris and I went back home.
Saturday:
This was pool party day. As most of you know, these seem to be crazy social situations. The afternoon party was being held by a couple of members of the Chorale, so I knew it would be a mixed crowd, and likely a sane one...so I would think. The night time party at Jeff and Joey's has been known for it's nudity, and occasional breakouts of sex. It's a much more charged atmosphere, and it seems, despite my libertarian attitudes, to make me very uncomfortable. It goes back to the weight issue. Jeff and Joey's parties tend to attract a lot of musclebears...and I'm way out of that league.
The daytime pool party, where yesterday's picture with Dan came from, started out well, and I even was convinced to jump in the pool - sans shirt. This is kind of a big deal, since it wasn't just a bear gathering. the TCC has all sorts of men, and the party had twinks, muscle boys and some girly men running around. Still, the bears took over the pool early, kind of keeping the others away. We talked, and flirted with Dan for a while, but Dan, as the new man in town, was obviously garnering a lot of attention.
The overcast skies had me quickly chattering, and I pulled out of the pool, and put my shirt back on. When the shirt went on, I shut down, and ran off to a high point to observe. Chris continued to mingle, which he's good at, and I'm not. He'd check on me periodically, introducing me to this person and that. One guy, brought by his new boyfriend talked to me for a bit, and we both agreed, when you date a TCC member, you date the whole chorale.
It surprised me when swimsuits stated coming off. What didn't surprise me was the first one to be "coerced" to do so was the flighty boy with the pornstar dick. It wasn't like it was hard, since his swimsuit was almost transparent. He needed more attention that afternoon that Paris hilton has needed all year. Still, it was an opening of the floodgates as other people disrobed. While there was something to being a voyeur, I obviously was having trouble with the freedom that many of the others seemed to be exhibiting.
Here's the thing...I'm not sure if it was the nudity, the sexuality being displayed, or the feeling that I couldn't bring myself to join in. I'm not sure if it's the large crowd, or the expectation that I don't look good, or I'll be asked to go further...getting past some boundaries I have. I'm already uncomfortable in crowds, but to add to that being nude in front of them...well, there's somewhere i don't want to go. Even my parents thought I was modest as a kid growing up...and I never had to do the whole PE lockerroom thing growing up. Being nude is a vulnerability to me, and I'm not one to show my self, emotionally or physically to a group like that.
Did I say I had gained 20 pounds over the last year?
Still, I managed to salvage somethings, having a couple of nice conversations, getting to know Dan a little better and even got back in the pool for a little bit. I still felt concerned that someone would try to pants me, as they had done with others, so I probably looked like a jerk, closed off and probably a little disapproving of others. I understand that my attitude can really work against me, creating tension and a worried boyfriend. Perhaps i should have asked Chris if we could have left earlier, but i always feel guilty for being selfish, and wanting to take him away from a place where he feels comfortable.
We went to feed Joey (the dog), dropped by one more time, and then headed out to Oak cliff to Jeff and Joey's. It was late already, so we almost skipped it, but I guess it's some sort of sad machismo that makes me go back...some sort of emotional flogging to try to survive a place that I'm out of place in.
We got there, and it was far less crowded than we thought it would be. We saw Clint there, and found that a large group had left a few minutes before, trying to catch the softball playing visitors to the city who were sure to be looking for hookups on their last night in town. While I didn't even plan on going swimming...not even wearing a swimsuit, I was happy to talk to Drew and Charlie for a while. Chris was finding plenty of attention, and even though Drew and charlie left, I left him to continue to talk to some other guys. Even though I was introduced earlier to Chris' admirers as his partner, i distinctly got the feeling that i wasn't really wanted, so I left them alone, and watched episodes of "Family Guy" with Clint.
I eventually got bored and went to see what was going on, and when I got there, once again I was felt unwelcome. not by Chris, but by the people around him. He I was, the big, overweight boyfriend here to take Chris away. What assholes. I felt really worthless. Here I was, playing the jealous boyfriend, obviously spoiling their evening.
Still, i did feel selfish. Chris tried to make me feel better, saying that they weren't that interesting, and that he should have left earlier, but just like at the earlier party, i felt like the bad guy, demanding that we go because I was out of sorts. Still, i was made to feel uncomfortable by the people at the party. I shouldn't allow that to happen so easily.
I know Chris felt a little uneasy too, thinking that the men at that party were all very shallow and vain. they were looking at him like a piece of meat, and i guess that was the prevailing attitude at the party for those who didn't go running off to meet the athletes. As we left, neither Jeff, nor Joey really said anything to us, and I heard one of Chris' admirers state that he felt really uncomfortable with me around. Funny, the feeling was mutual. I guess that Chris and I are now, along with Cameron, not going to be on the guest list.
Going home I felt ashamed of myself. For one, I didn't trust those guys. I trusted Chris, but I checked in not only out of boredom, but to see what they were doing, and to find if I could get some attention as well. I did get attention from the person most important, chris, but I know I wanted to be accepted by the pretty boys too.
The ride home was mostly me saying that I was stupid, pulling Chris away, making myself look like a fool. Chris tried to tell me that it wasn't so bad, and if they got the impression that I was jealous, or needy, well that was their problem. Still, it was the lack of acceptance that made me feel like dirt. I found it interesting that Clint, you got hit on twice, and still felt like that wasn't the right crowd. I didn't get hit on at all. Then again, with the prevailing attitudes in the place, i guess I should learn to lower my expectations.
It's interesting how even those who work so hard...working on their pecs and hair and all, can be just as unsure and self-absorbed as I can be sometimes. you'd think they'd have it all, but I tell you, I went home with Chris that night, and they didn't I should feel good about that, shouldn't I?
If I could only get past the feeling that I did something wrong, that I should be ashamed for breaking it up, that I was selfish to want to take Chris and go home. Bored because I wanted attention and wasn't finding it there. It started well, but all the feelings that I had from the last parties at Jeff and Joey's came back.
I'm done with that.
Sunday was much better, because it was just Chris and I for most of the day. By the end of the day we had started some deep discussions about the future, about what I would like to happen. I also spoke about my fears that I'll eventually say something, or do something wrong and I'll lose him. I don't know why I think things are so fragile when there's so much evidence that things are strong and growing stronger. Chris worried about the day I'll actually move in, and then our visits no longer have that sense of being a special time. We'll have to find some way to keep it special...whenever it happens, someday.
I need to learn to accept myself first. That I can, and will succeed, that I will reach my goals and make the move. that I can lose weight if I really want to, and that I don't need to be accepted, or loved or applauded by anyone else out there to make me worth something. i need to accept that i have health problems, ones that can be changed. I need to be able to accept that I can be loved, and I'm worthy of that love. I shouldn't question Chris' love, since he's given me no reason to do so.
It's been an interesting year so far. If last year was all about learning about the community and getting immersed, this year has been all about changing perceptions, gaining experience and learning who Michael Edwards really is, and accepting that little kid, deep inside.
I know, that's a lot of angst for a weekend, but I promise, there was no life or death problems, but there was plenty of chances to learn, grow. In my second adolescence, sometimes I learn, sometimes I don't.
The weekend started Friday when Chris has to wake up for work. Since I had to travel to south Arlington to visit my doctor, I sort of woke up at the same time, and didn't fall back to sleep. I drove in a light rain and made it to the doc's office on time. After filling out the paperwork, I was called, and off we went for a blood pressure check (yes, my blood pressure's a little high) and off to weigh.
I asked the nurse if the reading was right, but there it was, spelled out in LCD numbers. It was 20 pounds more than I was a year ago, and I guess about 40 pounds more than I thought I was. I'm not sure if it was a delusion or what, but I did think that the pants were getting tight again. My doctor was nice enough to not be disappointed, as i was, and he was looking for new suggestions to try to help me. you can tell that I'm embarrassed about this, since I'm not going to tell you exactly what my weight is.
This is were I feel I should have taken more personal action, walking, riding, working out. I think I've put too much faith in my doctor's chemical try to get my weight down, and not in trying to actually change my behaviors and take control of my health. It's not that my doc didn't recommend this before...the pills are supposed to help with, not replace a healthier lifestyle, so I feel that my lazy attitude has only hurt myself. This will need to change over the next year. I lost weight the year before, but now have backpedaled.
My doc also noticed that my knees "click". One thing that stops me from walking all the time is that my legs do get tired. I've been thinking that it was more just fatigue and the weight, but surprise, knees aren't supposed to click when you bend them. Doc, knowing I was just up there for the weekend, was able to get me a MRI appointment that afternoon, several miles south in Mansfield. After grabbing lunch with Chris, I took some time by walking a mall...and tiring out my knees. Probably not the best thing to do before the MRI.
I had been given the wrong idea about MRI's. Too many television shows give you the impression that it's one pass. This was about 50 minutes per knee, and was mind-numbingly boring. The very loud noise that comes from the machine is throbbing, seems to go through you...and isn't really kept at bay by the earplugs they give you. I was there in my hospital gown, trying to relax, glad that I didn't have to go all the way in. I'm not usually claustrophobic, but big guys in small spaces... I tried to concentrate on shane Hammond, naked - to get me through the time. We'll see what craziness the results of this will give me later on.
As I left the small suburban community of Mansfield, I was interested to see a small church with a what usually is either a quaint message or a tease for the upcoming message. It looked like the Sunday sermon was to be titled "Can Homosexuals Be Christian?" Since I wasn't going to be available on Sunday, I wanted to go in and see if I could be a Christian, but it was almost five o'clock and I'm sure they wanted to go home as well. I'm kind of sad that I might not be accepted at their little church on the prairie.
Chris and I went out for the evening when we found out, sadly that a family emergency had cancelled the show by the Punch Drunk comedy troupe. So we went out to the bars, and saw a whole bunch of people out at the Round Up. After checking out some of the other bars, and approaching midnight, we were tired, but we decided to stop by the Eagle. We saw Jeff and Joey - two guys who's pool parties we'd gone to before, and they were going to have yet another. We stopped to talk to Cameron for a bit, and mentioned that he was not invited to the Saturday night party. Jeff and Joey then told us that Cameron would not be welcome at their party. We didn't really solicit this information, and it kind of bugged both of us.
The Eagle is much brighter, and less lewd than it used to be. Some raids have changed it recently, but it still is probably the most touchy-feely of the bars. I'm not sure what makes it so. Chris and I got to talk, and yep, rub on a couple of hot bears and cubs there. People Chris knew. It was a nice, friendly mood that developed, making me glad we went there. We made a couple of connections and then Chris and I went back home.
Saturday:
This was pool party day. As most of you know, these seem to be crazy social situations. The afternoon party was being held by a couple of members of the Chorale, so I knew it would be a mixed crowd, and likely a sane one...so I would think. The night time party at Jeff and Joey's has been known for it's nudity, and occasional breakouts of sex. It's a much more charged atmosphere, and it seems, despite my libertarian attitudes, to make me very uncomfortable. It goes back to the weight issue. Jeff and Joey's parties tend to attract a lot of musclebears...and I'm way out of that league.
The daytime pool party, where yesterday's picture with Dan came from, started out well, and I even was convinced to jump in the pool - sans shirt. This is kind of a big deal, since it wasn't just a bear gathering. the TCC has all sorts of men, and the party had twinks, muscle boys and some girly men running around. Still, the bears took over the pool early, kind of keeping the others away. We talked, and flirted with Dan for a while, but Dan, as the new man in town, was obviously garnering a lot of attention.
The overcast skies had me quickly chattering, and I pulled out of the pool, and put my shirt back on. When the shirt went on, I shut down, and ran off to a high point to observe. Chris continued to mingle, which he's good at, and I'm not. He'd check on me periodically, introducing me to this person and that. One guy, brought by his new boyfriend talked to me for a bit, and we both agreed, when you date a TCC member, you date the whole chorale.
It surprised me when swimsuits stated coming off. What didn't surprise me was the first one to be "coerced" to do so was the flighty boy with the pornstar dick. It wasn't like it was hard, since his swimsuit was almost transparent. He needed more attention that afternoon that Paris hilton has needed all year. Still, it was an opening of the floodgates as other people disrobed. While there was something to being a voyeur, I obviously was having trouble with the freedom that many of the others seemed to be exhibiting.
Here's the thing...I'm not sure if it was the nudity, the sexuality being displayed, or the feeling that I couldn't bring myself to join in. I'm not sure if it's the large crowd, or the expectation that I don't look good, or I'll be asked to go further...getting past some boundaries I have. I'm already uncomfortable in crowds, but to add to that being nude in front of them...well, there's somewhere i don't want to go. Even my parents thought I was modest as a kid growing up...and I never had to do the whole PE lockerroom thing growing up. Being nude is a vulnerability to me, and I'm not one to show my self, emotionally or physically to a group like that.
Did I say I had gained 20 pounds over the last year?
Still, I managed to salvage somethings, having a couple of nice conversations, getting to know Dan a little better and even got back in the pool for a little bit. I still felt concerned that someone would try to pants me, as they had done with others, so I probably looked like a jerk, closed off and probably a little disapproving of others. I understand that my attitude can really work against me, creating tension and a worried boyfriend. Perhaps i should have asked Chris if we could have left earlier, but i always feel guilty for being selfish, and wanting to take him away from a place where he feels comfortable.
We went to feed Joey (the dog), dropped by one more time, and then headed out to Oak cliff to Jeff and Joey's. It was late already, so we almost skipped it, but I guess it's some sort of sad machismo that makes me go back...some sort of emotional flogging to try to survive a place that I'm out of place in.
We got there, and it was far less crowded than we thought it would be. We saw Clint there, and found that a large group had left a few minutes before, trying to catch the softball playing visitors to the city who were sure to be looking for hookups on their last night in town. While I didn't even plan on going swimming...not even wearing a swimsuit, I was happy to talk to Drew and Charlie for a while. Chris was finding plenty of attention, and even though Drew and charlie left, I left him to continue to talk to some other guys. Even though I was introduced earlier to Chris' admirers as his partner, i distinctly got the feeling that i wasn't really wanted, so I left them alone, and watched episodes of "Family Guy" with Clint.
I eventually got bored and went to see what was going on, and when I got there, once again I was felt unwelcome. not by Chris, but by the people around him. He I was, the big, overweight boyfriend here to take Chris away. What assholes. I felt really worthless. Here I was, playing the jealous boyfriend, obviously spoiling their evening.
Still, i did feel selfish. Chris tried to make me feel better, saying that they weren't that interesting, and that he should have left earlier, but just like at the earlier party, i felt like the bad guy, demanding that we go because I was out of sorts. Still, i was made to feel uncomfortable by the people at the party. I shouldn't allow that to happen so easily.
I know Chris felt a little uneasy too, thinking that the men at that party were all very shallow and vain. they were looking at him like a piece of meat, and i guess that was the prevailing attitude at the party for those who didn't go running off to meet the athletes. As we left, neither Jeff, nor Joey really said anything to us, and I heard one of Chris' admirers state that he felt really uncomfortable with me around. Funny, the feeling was mutual. I guess that Chris and I are now, along with Cameron, not going to be on the guest list.
Going home I felt ashamed of myself. For one, I didn't trust those guys. I trusted Chris, but I checked in not only out of boredom, but to see what they were doing, and to find if I could get some attention as well. I did get attention from the person most important, chris, but I know I wanted to be accepted by the pretty boys too.
The ride home was mostly me saying that I was stupid, pulling Chris away, making myself look like a fool. Chris tried to tell me that it wasn't so bad, and if they got the impression that I was jealous, or needy, well that was their problem. Still, it was the lack of acceptance that made me feel like dirt. I found it interesting that Clint, you got hit on twice, and still felt like that wasn't the right crowd. I didn't get hit on at all. Then again, with the prevailing attitudes in the place, i guess I should learn to lower my expectations.
It's interesting how even those who work so hard...working on their pecs and hair and all, can be just as unsure and self-absorbed as I can be sometimes. you'd think they'd have it all, but I tell you, I went home with Chris that night, and they didn't I should feel good about that, shouldn't I?
If I could only get past the feeling that I did something wrong, that I should be ashamed for breaking it up, that I was selfish to want to take Chris and go home. Bored because I wanted attention and wasn't finding it there. It started well, but all the feelings that I had from the last parties at Jeff and Joey's came back.
I'm done with that.
Sunday was much better, because it was just Chris and I for most of the day. By the end of the day we had started some deep discussions about the future, about what I would like to happen. I also spoke about my fears that I'll eventually say something, or do something wrong and I'll lose him. I don't know why I think things are so fragile when there's so much evidence that things are strong and growing stronger. Chris worried about the day I'll actually move in, and then our visits no longer have that sense of being a special time. We'll have to find some way to keep it special...whenever it happens, someday.
I need to learn to accept myself first. That I can, and will succeed, that I will reach my goals and make the move. that I can lose weight if I really want to, and that I don't need to be accepted, or loved or applauded by anyone else out there to make me worth something. i need to accept that i have health problems, ones that can be changed. I need to be able to accept that I can be loved, and I'm worthy of that love. I shouldn't question Chris' love, since he's given me no reason to do so.
It's been an interesting year so far. If last year was all about learning about the community and getting immersed, this year has been all about changing perceptions, gaining experience and learning who Michael Edwards really is, and accepting that little kid, deep inside.
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When I started dating Ben, I discovered that I was dating all of his actor friends, gay or straight. They all wanted to know who I was... and I didn't fit in. I was shy (and still am) and would isolate myself at gatherings. This was the in crowd and I was the pudgy nobody in polyester who rarely said anything. I can't tell you how uncomfortable I was, how much I wanted to leave; but I hung in there. Fortunately, there are enough actors who are painfully shy who would stand along the side, isolated.
There were also the actor's wive's. Yeah, I was Ben's "wife." I'd talk to Bob's wife, Lucy; Tim's wife, Vincent; Kelly's husband, Bob... the non actors, the supporters.
There were things about me that Ben mentioned irritated him and I always feared being dumped, that he'd tire of me... that I wasn't up to par. I did eventually loose Ben; I suppose death isn't like a decision, nor was it mutual. Before he left, he told me, "you'll never know how much I love you." At the time I didn't, now I do.
Years later, I still consider his friends to be my friends.
About your body image. I keep saying to myself that I'm going to loose weight, but I've not been particularly successful.
I don't think liking big men is a fetish any more than preferring redheads, short guys, tall guys, facial hair or whatever you find attractive. I find all types of men to be attractive.
In the past I would have never had taken my shirt off in public... I wouldn't even wear just a T-shirt. I had the fat belly, man boobies complex as well as the small penis complex. I'm short too, but didn't give a damned about that.
But that's what I am, not who i am. It's like being gay; I can't change that. If someone doesn't like me for any of those reasons, there's not much that I can do. It shouldn't be my problem and it's not. And yes, I don't have a problem running around naked at gay resorts, bath houses, orgies or pool parties. Yes, I can be a slut.
All of this takes time. Growing up, growing pains of sorts.
I remember going shopping and liking a white shirt. My friend commented, " you don't want to buy that. It will make you look fat." I looked at him and said, "Do you think I'm fooling them now?"
I am what I am. You deserve to appreciated and loved for who you are, and I'm sure that's why Chris is with you.
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Feel free to IM if you'd like to chat about it.
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Gaining weight is almost to be expected once you have a steady boyfriend, so don't beat yourself up too much. That's energy that could be put to better use.
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You are a VERY handsome guy. It's hard to get that thru your head, but you are. So don't sweat weight problems because of looks. Do things that will make you healthy, first, and looks will come.
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Peer pressure is such a pervasive force in any subculture, including (and sometimes, it seems, especially) among gay men. There's always been a lot of social pressure for gay men to have the same smooth, gym-worked bodies and the same haircuts, the same highlights, to like the same guys, to take the same drugs, to accept some forms of sexual activities and reject others. We feel pressured into taking off our clothes at the pool parties, because that's what the pretty popular boys are doing.
I think most of us know it's all bullshit.
What's become the bear community was a reaction against the pretty-boy conformity among gay men, but I'd argue that in a lot of ways it's not that much different. When I shaved off my facial hair a few years ago, I got ignored and isolated by so many former bear friends so quickly that it was quite an eye-opener. So when I'm at a social event with a lot of gay men, or at a bar, partnered or not, I also feel absolutely stranded. I'm not fashionable or pretty enough for the pretty crowd, not bearish enough for the bears, and never drunk enough to feel numbed.
You're a handsome guy. Chris is a handsome guy. You'll never feel completely accepted everywhere you go, no matter what your weight or how much of a beard you have. And that's okay, because you're accepted and admired by a lot of guys, both in real life and on LiveJournal and I'm sure at work and other venues.
So you pulled Chris away. So what? They would only think of you as the jealous boyfriend if they were doing something that, in their heart of hearts, knew should incite jealousy . . . and that definitely is their problem.
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Thank you for baring your soul, It took a lot of courage to make a post like this.
You've come a long way from where you started. Chris and you are both very lucky men to have found each other.
There will always be men who will shun you no matter what the reason. I have found that some gay men are intimidated by guys who think for themselves instead of just following along with the crowd.
Being a chorus widow is a thankless position. It sounds like TCC enables a safe environment for partners, Just as our chorus does. Too
many times, widows are ignored.
I wish you luck on your journey. Every person's journey has unexpected twists and turns in it so don't get discouraged.
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It was really good meeting you this past weekend at the Eagle.
I would have talked to ya more, but I have this shy thing going for me, so it makes it just a little hard for me to just come up and speak....even with a few beers..hehehe
Hope you had a good visit to Dallas. I will be up in the Houston area during Labor Day weekend...maybe I will run into you somewhere.
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I came across your posting thru a buddy’s friend list and just wanted to say “Thanks” for such an open and honest entry. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who can relate to the things that you wrote. I know I can.
I too have been looking at how I perceive myself and people around me. For me, it seems to be a never ending thing. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I need to focus on my perception of myself first because a lot of the insecurities that I have all go back to how I see myself.
Being around shallow and vain people, as you described it, doesn’t do wonders for the perception of myself either. I seem to run into the same situation that you felt when you approached Chris at the pool party. It’s a real boost for your ego when you see your partner talking to someone and when you walk up, the conversation seems to end abruptly and the other guy walks away. Bill always makes a point of introducing me to the people that he is talking to and always refers to me as his partner. Usually when they walk away, Bill will tell me what they were talking about, even before I ask. And almost always it is the other person was wanting more than Bill was willing to give. Last night, when we were talking, Bill said something on the lines that we needed “true friends.” I asked him what he meant by that, and his response was, “Friends that want to go out to dinner, movie, etc. and not expect to get into our pants”
I will admit that I tend to be shy and reserved. Bill, on the other hand, is very outgoing. Once I get to know someone, I can be very talkative, but it’s a sort of catch-22 for me. How can I get to know someone, if I don’t talk to them? A number of Bill’s friends have commented to him that they don’t think that I like them because I rarely talk when we are together. Bill has explained to them that I tend to be reserved and for the most part, his friends will make an effort to engage me in a conversation with them.
Bill loves me for who I am, and I’m sure Chris loves you for you as well. As far as not being accepted by others, I’m starting to look at it as being their problem and not mine. Its not an easy thing to do, but I’m working on it and that’s okay.
Thanks again for a great posting
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I thought I was doing good and I was down. Instead, I was about 20-22 up.
As for your feelings about Chris, only you two can work those out. I mean, part of it is that you two haven't had that much time together and so, you probably are a little jealous not to be able to maximize your time with him. You probably also are, as you say a bit self conscious. There's multiple factors.
I've had the same issues before. I think these feelings are fairly common, though I'll admit I've never attended a pool party where people started stripping, but I'll extrapolate for that. ;) (Unless of course, we plan that visit sometime...)
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Thank you for sharing that. I share many of those feelings. Jeff and my friends always try to get me to feel more comfortable in my own skin, but I know that deep down, it's still something I need to convince myself of. Still, having said that, and knowing that you're probably very similar, and will shoo it away with an "Aw, shucks," I do want to tell you that I think you're an extremely attractive man.
I live near the beach. I've lived near water my entire life, and yet, I rarely if ever go to the beach. My body type, combined with the amount of body hair, in conjunction with the recent surgical scars on my stomach, make me feel as though I'll never be comfortable taking off my shirt in front of others. I've made some strides, I guess, in taking pictures of the scars, so I 'own' them, and taking what some might consider somewhat 'risque' photos, but I get to control them, and what's seen, and from what angle. Other than sexual partners, and doctors/nurses, no one has ever seen me nude, 'live'.
You hit it exactly on the head, when you realize that self acceptance comes first, and often is the only kind that matters, along with Chris'. Take as much time as you need, but know that when you do, there are plenty of us right here who already accept you, just as you are.
I've been with Jeff nearly 10 years now, and we still find ways to make almost every day special, and make sure that the other knows that he is loved. You and Chris will find similar ways to show one another.
I wish you the best of luck, on all your journeys. You've got a good head start.