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I Don't Want to Spoil The Party (but I do)
Just one last bit about last weekend. I could mention that we went out and saw Brother Bear which was nice, but nothing special. What impressed me is that we went together. Despite my telling Chris (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
oakleycub) that he could go see it without me with the Dallas Movie Bears, that see a new flick each Wednesday (why don't we have that here in Houston?), he waited till we were together to go see it. This really does mean a lot to me. I thought it was a really nice gesture.
I guess I'm having some unnerving feelings that I'm not good enough for this guy. I don't know why I keep beating myself up this way. Now I've always had a bit of a problem thinking I need to work really, really hard to keep friends, and this has only grown in my adult life as I lost touch with all of my high school friends, and now seem to be doing the same with the college ones. As I make new friends, I keep feeling that I really have to take care of them, stay in contact with them, and do things for them in order to keep them. It's a part of a low self-esteem issue that I'm continuing to work on.
So things go one or two ways for me, either I go out of my way to be accommodating, even to the point of putting myself in situations I don't enjoy, and feel bad about later, or I go off in a huff and have some stupid temper tantrum. I've written about a few of these occasions in this journal before. Being uncomfortable only lasts so long with me, and then I explode.
I managed to handle myself better over last weekend. I sort of got mad over a parking situation for the concert, and Chris took me to task for it, because i was acting like a stupid kid. I was revved up about the concert, and I was frustrated about the fact that there was no parking information around the Southern methodist University campus where it was held. Chris later apologized for being snippy, but he'd been up for hours that day. I was being an idiot, so the comment was warranted, and I really didn't have a problem with it. My sister knows I get that way, so she just watched knowing the moment would pass.
Monday night i was already getting down about leaving, but I was looking forward to seeing Skye (cristalskye) and so was Jason (spintobear), who is now Chris' roommate. We had invited her to dinner and Chris had decided to cook. I am only beginning to find out how good a cook Chris really is, but there's a problem. Many of you may know what an idiot I am when it comes to food. My parents spoiled me when I was I child, and now I'm so picky that it probably is one of the most unhealthy diets around. I eat like I'm on Adkins, with the carbs. The only green thing I'll touch is lime Jell-o, and even that can give me the shakes.
As Chris got the idea to make gumbo, he could see my spirits fall. Already I was in my, "now what the hell am I going to do?" phase, and being the really poor actor that I am, it showed in my face and my posture. I instantly felt stupid when I was called on it, and Jason was witness to me looking like a 5 year old who's just been told he can't go to McDonald's for the Brother Bear Happy Meal.
Chris came over to console me, and mentioned that he could cook something else, but I knew he really wanted to make the gumbo. I thought it was very unfair for me to completely take over the meal just because I won't eat what other people will. Chris and Skye have both changed menus for me before, and I've managed to change people's dinner plans just because they know I won't like going to a Chinese restaurant, but I find that that's very selfish of me to do all of the time.
Although I can't say that the extra attention Chris was laying on me as I pouted was bad, I had to subjugate my feelings and tell him that I would deal with him cooking gumbo for his guests. We went to Kroger and picked up what he needed, and I kept wondering if I should pick up a package of Pepperoni Hot Pockets to get through it. Chris even suggested making chili instead (which is one thing I can cook, so I'll have to make that for him sometime soon), but I told him no, he wanted to make gumbo, and he should do it. I'll deal.
In a way, I felt upset that I was burying my feelings so much. Chris asked me what was troubling me, and I wouldn't really tell him, because I'd come off as a demanding bitch. I was mad that dinner wasn't going to go my way, but i was also mad that I was making such a big deal about it. I was letting such a base emotion get the better of me, and for the sake of harmony, i wasn't going to let it get out and ruin Chris' evening, too.
As soon as Skye entered and found that Chris was cooking gumbo, she knew I was having a problem with it. I was much more reserved and quiet that evening, and I was kind of letting myself play the fool, taking some good-natured ribbing about my eating habits from all three of my fellow diners. For some reason people seem to find it endearing when I get embarrassed.
The gumbo was placed in front of me with a spoon, and I quickly got up to grab a fork. I told myself I wouldn't be an ass and not eat any of it, so I worked to fish out the chicken and sausage, occasionally grabbing some rice that wasn't tainted with the celery, onions or okra. It was a decent dish, actually. Skye and Jason were very impressed with the dish. I felt more embarrassed when they had finished most of their bowls and I sat there with one that was still populated by green stuff.
Chris has mentioned that he wants to go slow and change my eating habits. I say I'll try, but others have tried with little success. Still, he did get me to go to Pei Wei for their faux Asian cuisine, thought I did order the dish with the least vegetable matter on it. I'm still a meat and potatoes guy.
I guess I'm just not trying to spoil the party, but even when I try to give in, I'm causing a scene. It's not one of my best traits. Am I really so shallow they when I don't get my way I want to make everyone miserable? I guess so.
I apologized as I was leaving for being such a jerk. I told Chris that I was glad that he didn't give into my pouting, especially after seeing how much Skye and Jason loved his gumbo. Perhaps I'm the loser for not being able to enjoy it. I actually felt bad when I picked up some chicken nuggets on the drive home, like I had betrayed Chris' cooking by getting drive-thru.
Who knew that Barbeque sauce could make you feel so conflicted?
oakleycub) that he could go see it without me with the Dallas Movie Bears, that see a new flick each Wednesday (why don't we have that here in Houston?), he waited till we were together to go see it. This really does mean a lot to me. I thought it was a really nice gesture.I guess I'm having some unnerving feelings that I'm not good enough for this guy. I don't know why I keep beating myself up this way. Now I've always had a bit of a problem thinking I need to work really, really hard to keep friends, and this has only grown in my adult life as I lost touch with all of my high school friends, and now seem to be doing the same with the college ones. As I make new friends, I keep feeling that I really have to take care of them, stay in contact with them, and do things for them in order to keep them. It's a part of a low self-esteem issue that I'm continuing to work on.
So things go one or two ways for me, either I go out of my way to be accommodating, even to the point of putting myself in situations I don't enjoy, and feel bad about later, or I go off in a huff and have some stupid temper tantrum. I've written about a few of these occasions in this journal before. Being uncomfortable only lasts so long with me, and then I explode.
I managed to handle myself better over last weekend. I sort of got mad over a parking situation for the concert, and Chris took me to task for it, because i was acting like a stupid kid. I was revved up about the concert, and I was frustrated about the fact that there was no parking information around the Southern methodist University campus where it was held. Chris later apologized for being snippy, but he'd been up for hours that day. I was being an idiot, so the comment was warranted, and I really didn't have a problem with it. My sister knows I get that way, so she just watched knowing the moment would pass.
Monday night i was already getting down about leaving, but I was looking forward to seeing Skye (
cristalskye) and so was Jason (spintobear), who is now Chris' roommate. We had invited her to dinner and Chris had decided to cook. I am only beginning to find out how good a cook Chris really is, but there's a problem. Many of you may know what an idiot I am when it comes to food. My parents spoiled me when I was I child, and now I'm so picky that it probably is one of the most unhealthy diets around. I eat like I'm on Adkins, with the carbs. The only green thing I'll touch is lime Jell-o, and even that can give me the shakes.As Chris got the idea to make gumbo, he could see my spirits fall. Already I was in my, "now what the hell am I going to do?" phase, and being the really poor actor that I am, it showed in my face and my posture. I instantly felt stupid when I was called on it, and Jason was witness to me looking like a 5 year old who's just been told he can't go to McDonald's for the Brother Bear Happy Meal.
Chris came over to console me, and mentioned that he could cook something else, but I knew he really wanted to make the gumbo. I thought it was very unfair for me to completely take over the meal just because I won't eat what other people will. Chris and Skye have both changed menus for me before, and I've managed to change people's dinner plans just because they know I won't like going to a Chinese restaurant, but I find that that's very selfish of me to do all of the time.
Although I can't say that the extra attention Chris was laying on me as I pouted was bad, I had to subjugate my feelings and tell him that I would deal with him cooking gumbo for his guests. We went to Kroger and picked up what he needed, and I kept wondering if I should pick up a package of Pepperoni Hot Pockets to get through it. Chris even suggested making chili instead (which is one thing I can cook, so I'll have to make that for him sometime soon), but I told him no, he wanted to make gumbo, and he should do it. I'll deal.
In a way, I felt upset that I was burying my feelings so much. Chris asked me what was troubling me, and I wouldn't really tell him, because I'd come off as a demanding bitch. I was mad that dinner wasn't going to go my way, but i was also mad that I was making such a big deal about it. I was letting such a base emotion get the better of me, and for the sake of harmony, i wasn't going to let it get out and ruin Chris' evening, too.
As soon as Skye entered and found that Chris was cooking gumbo, she knew I was having a problem with it. I was much more reserved and quiet that evening, and I was kind of letting myself play the fool, taking some good-natured ribbing about my eating habits from all three of my fellow diners. For some reason people seem to find it endearing when I get embarrassed.
The gumbo was placed in front of me with a spoon, and I quickly got up to grab a fork. I told myself I wouldn't be an ass and not eat any of it, so I worked to fish out the chicken and sausage, occasionally grabbing some rice that wasn't tainted with the celery, onions or okra. It was a decent dish, actually. Skye and Jason were very impressed with the dish. I felt more embarrassed when they had finished most of their bowls and I sat there with one that was still populated by green stuff.
Chris has mentioned that he wants to go slow and change my eating habits. I say I'll try, but others have tried with little success. Still, he did get me to go to Pei Wei for their faux Asian cuisine, thought I did order the dish with the least vegetable matter on it. I'm still a meat and potatoes guy.
I guess I'm just not trying to spoil the party, but even when I try to give in, I'm causing a scene. It's not one of my best traits. Am I really so shallow they when I don't get my way I want to make everyone miserable? I guess so.
I apologized as I was leaving for being such a jerk. I told Chris that I was glad that he didn't give into my pouting, especially after seeing how much Skye and Jason loved his gumbo. Perhaps I'm the loser for not being able to enjoy it. I actually felt bad when I picked up some chicken nuggets on the drive home, like I had betrayed Chris' cooking by getting drive-thru.
Who knew that Barbeque sauce could make you feel so conflicted?
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